Saturday, January 19, 2013

There's a giant hole in my heart where you belong Cashy.

Well Cashy it's been a little over two months since you left us and gone to heaven. We miss you more than words can even describe. I still think of that night like it was yesterday. I think about How you looked so peaceful after you passed, how all your pain and suffering went away instantly when your little old soul left your physical body. Your face and lips were so cold, your body so lifeless and stiff. Your sores on your face almost instantly healed. You looked beautiful yet so frighteningly empty. Like your body was just a shell and your soul burst into a million pieces when you left us. That's how daddy described it, you went into his heart, it started beating so fast and he said it was like your energy burst into a million pieces and went into everyone. We all have a piece of you with us in our hearts forever.

We've had a few interesting weeks lately. Daddy and I attempted to learn to snowboard, even Colten tried once! We went out twice, (daddy three times) and tried our hardest to learn the trade, but we decided that its not for us and we will always be skiers at heart! Being on a ski hill and not being able to soar down the mountain as fast as you'd like, well it's frustrating, and my ass and my knees hurt for a good two weeks!! I know you were with us watching and laughing at us as we kept biffing it down the bunny hill! Haha. Just as I was thinking about how you'd love watching us and brother, a little boy on skis about 3 years old zooms by us with a Paul frank monkey helmet on. I knew that was a sign you were there with us. Whenever I see those monkeys I just know you are there to make sure I'd see it and know your with me. Well it's what id like to believe.

Living without you just doesn't feel right. Our family is a family of 5, not 4. When it's just us four, everything is so uncomplicated and easy. Your brother is basically a grown man, he's so self sufficient, he wakes up with his alarm clock every morning for school and gets up and takes a shower, dad or I get up and make him breakfast and send him on his merry way. He's such a strong, smart big boy and he misses you so much. He hurts, we all hurt, but he really misses his little brother. There's such a huge age gap now between your brother and baby sissy. We now have an 8 year old and a 9 month old. Your supposed to be my middle child, my little boy, my big 4 year old. We have such a void in our lives now without you. My heart aches and longs to hold you, to kiss your lips, your fingers and that little spot on your neck behind your ear where I would always kiss you till you giggled. I miss that so much.

I miss taking care of you. You were such a big part of our lives, everything revolved around cashys care. Sometimes I find myself creeping down the hall way to grab sissy out of her crib or to let her down, I creep quietly so I won't wake you up. Isn't that just crazy. I catch myself and then quickly become burdened with grief that I could have possibly forgot that your gone and it doesn't matter how loud or quiet I am because your not going to wake up. I wish I would just wake up, wake up from this nightmare I'm living. This nightmare we have to call life without you. It's no life, no parent should ever have to live life without their 4 year old.

At work tonight one of my co workers that had lost a baby while she was 30 weeks pregnant several years ago asked me if I'm grateful for the time I had with you, or if I thought it would of been easier to lose you in the womb than to have never spent a single day with you. I told her, you bet I'm grateful for every second I spend with you my sweet boy. You changed our lives for the better in so many ways. You don't even know. It was like you were almost sent here on earth to show us the way to live right and to appreciate every little thing.

When you were diagnosed with cancer , life was so uncomplicated and straight forward. I fell into this hole of thinking material items would make me happy, the need for the nice big house, the new cars, and everything that really doesn't matter in life. Nothing matters more than good Heath and happiness. Those material things don't make you happy, ya for the moment they can, but when you look at the big picture, your not happy, your just existing. Your dad and I had a rough patch those few months before you were diagnosed with cancer. One night we got into it about possibly not making the mortgage payment and I was up In arms about it. He said to me ( and ill never forget this) well nothing really matters besides our family, we could move into our camp trailer and live there as long as were all healthy and happy nothing else matters right? I didn't agree, I said there is no way I would live in our camp trailer. That's how far gone I was into the need for material items. Ill never forget that because after Cashy was diagnosed with cancer my views on what was really important changed and I realized that, fuck, our cute house on the hill, our nice truck and blazer and four wheeler do not matter. They don't. You can always get a new house, you can always get a new car. We could live in a tent in the middle of the desert and as long as I have all my babies and my husband well we will be alright. I'm ashamed it took you getting cancer for me to realize how good I really had it, how nothing in the world is more important than your family. Nothing. I became complacent and that's no way to live. I'm sorry I wasted your first year and a half of life not cherishing every moment with you and your brother. I truly regret it, I regret not getting down on the floor to play cars and playdough with you more, I regret not taking you on that wagon ride or to the park more.

I didn't fully become aware of what I had done to myself and what I i needed to do to better myself until your cancer came back in October 2012. In July 2012 I was still struggling with my happiness and what I truly wanted for our lives and how we needed to change for the better. I was overweight, nearly 190lbs, I never had truly lost the baby weight from your brother and then after you it just kept stacking on. I wasn't happy with myself and I knew I needed to change something and fast. That's when I started working out and in August somehow by the grace of god I got pregnant with your baby sissy. ( thank you marina IUD for spontaneously combusting in my body somewhere). I was so shocked and angry that this happened. We took the right preventative measures. I was scared to death that maybe this baby was given to us to replace or prepare us for the loss of you. I didn't want another baby, you were my baby and nobody could take that place. The thought of three kids freaked me out, how could i possibly love another baby as much as I love you and your brother? But now I couldn't be more happy that we have sissy here with us. She is such a true blessing to our family. Pure joy. Catherine Joy Hyde, she keeps us sane in the hardest of days. We couldn't do it without her. I'm pretty sure I'd be in bed crying everyday all day if I wasn't for her and of course my spinning class at the Y.

Getting back into shape and eating healthy is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm addicted to working out now! Who'd of ever thought that!! I try to be active at least 4 days during the week and at least one day on the weekend. It's been great. Your daddy even joined me for spinning class twice this week! He loved it too! This week I cycled over 58 miles! It's a great feeling and I'm in the best shape I've been in since my soccer star days! Lol. Even though I've lost 45 lbs and I feel and look better than I have in years, I still have a bad self image when I look at myself but I'm getting better at being positive and loving myself and that's thanks to you cashy.

We've been getting better at doing more things outside of the house with out you. Still everything reminds us of you. I swear I saw you walking out of the grocery store with a lady the other day, a cute little boy with sweats and a hoodie and a beanie on with the hood pulled over his head. It looked so much like you hand in hand with his mom. I wanted to go and turn his head and grab his little hand to make sure it wasn't you, but my craziness tucked back inside and I got in the car without you and drove home.

We were watching tv the other night and a little boy reached up and kissed his mom on the lips and mike and I both looked at each other and just knew what each other were thinking. That it looked like you kissing that momma. I pretty sure I burst into tears. Can't remember.

Why is it that every song I hear reminds me of you? I've now convinced myself that whenever I'm listening to pandora or my iPod on shuffle, each song that comes on it was from you, a little sign of sort. Maybe I'm just crazy but like mike told me I can believe whatever I want Because believing is believing and no one can take that from you. No one. Your daddy's so smart sometimes!!

Well last weekend we went up to Corinne and John's cabin up in Darby, where you spend your last day and night alive. I was worried that I would be a complete wreck being up there without you, but it was peaceful and serene, and thanks to a couple glasses of wine, I was relaxed and had a great time visiting and telling stories about you and how amazing of a child you were/are. We even talked about daddy and I's crazy wedding! oh man is that a story for another tome! I knew you were with us in spirit though.

We got some great family photos with our new camera, but the only thing that was missing was you. How can a family photo ever be normal again without you? Ive decided our next family photos we get we will have a picture in a frame of you so we can hold it proudly and still have somewhat of a family photo even if your not here physically.

Because of you cashy we've met so many amazing people and now lifelong friends we would have never known if it wasn't for you and cancer. As sad as it is to lose a child, we've gained so much throughout this journey you've put us on and I'm thankful for everything we've endured to get us here. Ill rephrase that, I'm not thankful we've lost you one bit, but if thats what your journey was supposed to be, to come and make our family stronger, more wise, healthier, more open and most of all capable of loving everyone no matter their faults or flaws. If that makes any sense.

I still haven't had any vivid dreams of you alive and well. In all my dreams your dead and we all are aware. It's like we're constantly planning your funeral, and your their in the house just laying in your monkey Jammie's, dead. It's disturbing.
I had a terrible dream the other week, I had taken your sister to the doctor here in Missoula for a consult to get a central line placed in your chest (ugh!), for when she gets cancer down the road. Horrible. My mind is screwed up To even dream a dream like that. Thank god that was only a dream! I want nothing more than to know that your safe and happy. Please just let me know, just a little glance, a small one.... Please Cashy.

Daddy finished his tattoo of you on his arm with your giant angel wings and tombstone. It's beautiful and I love it so much! I know you would too!! I got my arm tattoo finished and my tattoo of you and the angel on my leg finished and touched up as well. They look so good!!!

Daddy and I went on a "couples escape" night at Quinn's hot springs on Wednesday night. We went skiing on Wednesday day, only after having both our new pairs of ski boots totally just kill our legs and feet. Why so ski boots have to be to most uncomfortable boot ever? If only you could wear snowboarding boots on your skis, it would be so much nicer! now that's an idea! Lol. So we ski'd then went to the hot springs and soaked for a hour and a half then got ready for dinner at the lodge. Dinner was amazing and we ate more food in one setting than we do in a whole week! Lol, not really but I felt so stuffed the thought of getting back into my swim suit again was awful, but we soaked again for another hour or so. Then we came back to our cabin and finished off our deserts we couldn't even touch earlier! We had such a great time! We laughed, we cried, we drank champagne, we ate, we swam, and well I will leave the rest at that! ;) it was a nice relaxing get away and it was great to rejuvenate ourselves. We got up in am and soaked again and then went back to cabin and got ready and had breakfast at the lodge as well. Fabulous 24 hours away!! Sissy and brother got to hang with grandma Vickie. Grandma Vickie misses you to cashy, I'm glad you gave her a dream. She needed that. She said you looked so healthy and well and it was like you weren't even sick. I wish I could be in that dreamland!

Well cashy I miss you so much my heart has a permanent hole in it where you left you'd everlasting light. The whole reminds me of what you became and what you are now. My hero.

Friday we leave for Arizona where we will stay with Janess and Jamison and your best bud Slade. Slade misses you even though she doesn't really know your gone. Janess called the other day telling me that Slade keeps insisting on watching your slideshow from your funeral over an over and over. She's said just hearing the music makes her cry. Ugh, I told he'd she was just torturing herself! That slideshow is a tear jerker! I can't even make it through the first song without bawling instantly. I refuse to watch it for now. To sad. So anyways, Friday we go to Arizona where we will build ten reggae runners donated by Infiniti of Scottsdale dealership where Janess works. We will assemble them on Saturday and at 4pm we will be taking the cars to Phoenix children's hospital to donate them. We are all so excited to be doing this, but a part of me is so sad that you won't be with us to test the runners and give your approval. Makes my heart hurt. That was your job. We will make sure sissy and Slade do a good job. I promise! I know you will be with us through it all.

Well I better get busy buddy. I hope you know how much your missed and I hope you're proud of us for trying so hard to keep your legacy alive! We love and miss you so much my sweet angel monkey boy. I love you To infinity and beyond. I hope your safe and warm. <3

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Bringing on the new year without you Cashy, just isn't right.

Well Cashy it's been a long, amazing, rough, sorrowful, sad, hard, happy, invigorating year for us. So many things happened in 2012. Good, bad and ugly things happened. I'd like to only remember the good, but so much of this last year has been bad, unforgettable, and utterly hard.
Last year at this time we finished up watching Disney's Toy Story on Ice in Rancho Cucamonga,CA then had a horrible dinner at the Red Lobster. You didnt eat a thing. We were trying to by our time left while we were wrapping up the last two weeks of your 30 radiation treatments that only kept you cancer free for a few months. All that torture and pain for only three months. I wouldn't trade those three months for anything as you were blessed with a baby sister and being a big brother. You were such an amazing big brother. You loved your sissy so much, you were always kissing her and wanting to hold her. Last year I was so afraid you would never get to meet your baby sister. It hung in the back of my head like the sound of finger nails on a chalkboard. The idea of losing you was so scary and it was my biggest fear. Well I lost you, I couldn't keep you here, we tried so very hard. But it wasn't fair for you to endure so much pain just for our pleasure of keeping you here.

Everyone is so busy being normal, happy and living life. It's like everyone has already forgotten about you. But really what do I expect, the ball not to drop in new york city tonight? sure, I'd be happy with that. But life goes on for others, and ours is so empty, sad and at a halt. Quiet, our house is quiet. To quiet.

This year has brought us alot of joy along with all the sorrow. Our beautiful surprise baby girl Catherine Joy was brought into this world. She wasn't planned by any means as I had preventative measures in place, well we thought they were in place. It was so exciting not finding out the sec of this little bundle. Deep down I kinda knew it was a girl but I didn't get to excited about it, i didn't even buy one girl outfit until she was born. That damn psychic I went to in January 2011. She was dead on. She had told me we were going to have a baby girl (which blew me away and I passed if off as her not really being a legit psychic) she told me that you were going to die, again my biggest fear, yet i didn't believe her, and she also told me mike was going to be a prominent public speaker, which he is. Most likely will never go to a psychic again, but I'd love to go to a medium. One of my best friends lyndsey (whom her mother passed away from liver cancer when colten was a baby, man it seems so long ago) and I really want to go see Theresa Caputo. She's the Long Island medium on tv, she is awesome. Her waiting list is a year long though. Mainly I just want to know if your alright and at peace, and most important if your happy.
Grandma Vickie had a dream of you Sunday. She said you guys were at our house and you were just playing like normal and it was like you weren't really gone. She said you were so happy and you were wearing your favorite blue monkey Jammie's. this makes me happy but also sad. Sad that your not here and that the reality is your gone. I hate reality, I want to just bury myself in my bed and hide from this cruel place called reality. I try to remind myself that I need to be making the most of every second of this life I live, and that I'm "lucky" to be alive, but I'm not feeling so lucky without you.

We fought so hard for your life cashy, to save you, to give you that childhood that we always wanted you to have. I think we fought harder for you than anyone has fought for their own lives. If I could of I'd of taken that cancer out of you and put it in me. I'd of preferred it be me rather than you. Sometimes I wonder If people really fully understand what we went through to try and save you, all the vomit, the blood, the tears, the overflowing shit (seriously), the medicine, the IV's, tube feedings....and so much more, yet being so grateful to be doing it all, because it meant life. Not death. I wonder if anybody truly knows how close a mother and a child grow when going through something like this together. How a bond is formed, unlike any other that exists in the world. I wonder if anybody can even imagine going through something like this only to have the love of their life, taken away from this world.
How is it even medically possible that you just died, your little heart just quit beating. I can't even fully wrap my mind around how that happened, and I'm a nurse. Not being on morphine or any narcotics, how is it that the cancer just took over your body, that you just slipped away, that it just ended your life like that, it's unfathomable. I get nauseated thinking about it, you must of been so scared, my brave little man.
Trying to go to sleep without you is the worst, I hate that when I lay down and try to sleep all the thoughts that linger in my mind creep in and take over. I try to think about you and all of our happy times. But I mostly just cry and wish that I didn’t have to wake up in the morning without you. I wish I could stay asleep forever and just dream about you. But I have yet to even have a happy dream about you. I wish I knew if you were safe and happy.

We have alot of great memories from 2012, as hard of a year that it has been, we also had some very memorable trips and fun times with you Cashy. We went to San Francisco and donated reggae runners for your 4th birthday, we went floating numerous times with you and your pillow and blankie in tow, we did trips to fairmont hot springs, you even went to a few minutes of a matisyahu concert, Michael Franti did a shout out to you at his concert in Missoula, we went to the farmers market several times and you got yourself a Elmo balloon that you loved, you played at the park several times. Skye pearls birthday party. You got to go trick of treating after picking out your buzz light year costume (which was a little to small, but it worked), up until the night before you passed away we were soaking at lost trail hot springs after you kept insisting we "go swimming". I wish I would of got some pictures that night of you, but you looked so sick and skinny and it was almost like you were giving up, throwing in the towel. I'm so sorry cashy, I'm so sorry for everything we put you through. My heart just aches without you. I hope your safe and warm and watching over us all. Love you buddy, to infinity and beyond.
Happy New year everybody, I hope you all have a prosperous year full of love, joy, and good times. one Love!