Monday, March 18, 2013

Cashy: I know you're guiding me through my grief. I love you.

Cashy, it sure has been a busy last couple of weeks, between moving into the new house, working full time, and two busy kids (well a baby that is literally into EVERYTHING) and a busy daddy who has to pick up some of momma’s slack when she works, it's just been crazy and the days are flying by.

I don't remember you or your brother being as busy as little sissy is. Oh man, I need to baby proof this new house and fast. If I turn my head for two seconds she will be eating Ajax, getting into every drawer or pulling out every tampon or maxi pad she can find, or ripping out pots and pans.

I swear if there is Silence in the house, that's not good, and it means Sissy is up to no good. Hahaha. One minute sis will be right beside me, the next minute she is back in your room digging out cars, and today it was a Baggie of rocks you collected. She got into them and started tasting a few as well. Good thing they were larger rocks that couldn't fit in her mouth. She can find anything and that's no joke. The smallest particle, even a grain of rice would be picked it up with her tiny fingers and instantly into her mouth. She had a dead fly hanging from her lip the other day. Lordy lord…YUCK!

Sometimes it's truly the strangest thing to realize that your healthy kids are healthy. If that makes any sense. I often sit and just stare at Sissy while she's nursing, almost like I'm searching for something to be wrong with her. Like it’s too good to be true. How can this perfect little angel of a baby girl be mine, and be perfect all at the same time. I'm used to worrying and worrying and worrying so much that I would make myself sick. My mom even had me convinced back when you were getting scans every 3 months, that if I didn't worry than something would truly be wrong. Sometimes I look at Sissy and tell your daddy, "her eye just moved weird," or "she just hit herself on the head," or "she keeps falling and bonking her head, it must be a brain tumor." Almost every time she’s napping in her crib longer than a half hour I'm worried she's in there suffocated or smothered and just dead. Crap how long will I be like this? Forever? God I hope not. 3 years of this constant worrying and constant fear of something going wrong, well it's enough to commit you to the funny farm.

Cashy you were a worrier too, just like me. You would sit and bite your nails like a little nervous Nelly. I'm sure you got that from me. Dang nail biting. I've tried all the techniques to quit biting my nails; visualizing dog poop under my finger nails, (pshhh that doesn't work), putting tobacco on the tips of my nails (that works for a bit but eventually if wears off, and I’ll be back at it), fake nails (tried that and I just wanna bite the damn fake ones off). You were so cute when you did it though. Sometimes if you had a hang nail you'd make me bite it off. That's probably how it started because when you were a baby instead of using the dangerous nail clippers (they looked so big and scary when placed next to a tiny baby finger) I'd just lightly bite off your soft nails so you wouldn't scratch yourself.

I have so much guilt about having had to work so much in those last few months we had with you. Going to work and knowing you were at home without me to hold your sweet little hand. I'll never forget how shitty of a parent I felt that night (about a month before you passed) when it was close to 6 o'clock and I had to be at work by 7, you were so upset about me having to go, you were crying and throwing a fit. It was a Saturday night, you wanted me to sit with you on the couch and cuddle. So I called in sick. I didn't feel bad about it either, until ten minutes later when my unit manager called me. She says, "You just called in sick, but we need you and we have nobody to cover. It's too close to the shift to find someone. You HAVE to come in; can't your mom sit at home with Cash?" I was blown away that she would actually call me to make me come to work. I was like "um, well ok." And I had to go to work. Tears and my heart ripped straight out of my chest.

I shouldn't complain. My job was phenomenal throughout your whole illness. I missed a lot of work. But I would do it all over again, just to be with you. To hold you, to kiss you sweet lips, to rub your little boney back and bootie, I massaged your little tummy and your stinky feet (your right foot had the most beautiful mole on the bottom of it, a rare occurrence according to one of your earlier pediatricians).

How is it even possible that I'm living this life without you? How is it possible that I birthed you, gave you life, and now you’re gone, just like that. Gone from us forever. My heart literally aches for you, for your touch, it aches and longs to hear your sweet voice, to see your beautiful smile, that smile that won over so many hundreds of hearts.

We hung out at the cabin in Darby two weekends in a row as John and Corinne were in town. We had such a great time, Colty got to bottle feed a baby cow, he rode the 4 wheeler, he shot his bb gun, he chased squirrels, he got to be that 8 year old boy that he hasn't really had much of a chance to be. Even though you only got to go there once with us, I know you would have loved to go there and play and run wild with your brother Colten. Ride the 4 wheeler, sit by the campfire, you loved to sit by campfires, you would always just kick back and stare at the fire. With your arms behind your head cuddled up with a blankie. I always wondered what you were thinking; you always had this way about you, like you were so much wiser beyond your years. A little boy so young and innocent, yet so wise and experienced in his earthy body.

John did a phenomenal press release on his website for me about my blog and how I use it to write to you to help with my grief. Grief, what does that even mean…? It means; Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death. Trouble or annoyance.

Deep sorrow doesn't even do the word grief, justice. Grief is that pain and hole in my heart that I often talk about. It's profound mental anguish. Living without you is beyond mental anguish. It's like being in one of those SAW movies, where you’re stuck in this scene where you can't get out and you keep trying and times running out...but my time’s not running out, it's moving slowly and slowly and each day that passes, it feels like it’s been a million years without you.

Thank you John and Corinne for the fabulous weekend and for working so hard on my press release while on your vacation. You guys rock! We're so lucky to have met you guys, it’s just one more awesome thing Cashy did for us! He brought us close to so many amazing people these past three years. We are just so thankful to have gotten to know so many kind hearted, free spirited people. If it wasn't for you Cashy none of this would have been possible. To know that all of you gathered and did fundraisers, pig raffles, lemonade stands, jersey raffles, toy drives, spaghetti feeds, Scentsy bear sales, and all because of the love you have for our family and because our little boy is dead.

Can you put yourself in my shoes for one minute? Just take one minute, close your eyes, and think of your child dying (not that I would EVER want anyone to ever feel our pain). In that one minute, allow yourself to experience the pain we feel, my family feels, every second of the day. Take this one minute of pain and know this is why you all have taken it upon yourselves to permeate yourself into our lives, when most of you don’t even know us. Take a minute to think about what amazing human beings that makes you, and be proud of who you are. You all know there is more to life then the superficial things that surround us. You all get the bigger picture and you all know you are about to help us change this world and the way most people live with their eyes closed and lack of passion.

You all have made me beyond proud and honored to have your love and support, and it makes me want to strive that much harder, be that much more passionate, and be that much more involved in spreading the knowledge we have not only pediatric cancer but cannabis and it's medical benefits, about eating healthy, juicing, exercising and living that healthy lifestyle that Cashy doesn't get to live. Not because he chose to be unhealthy or out of shape, not because he chose to eat those McDonald's fries, because he didn't get a choice, he didn't get to live. He wanted to live. Cashy lived everyday of his life like it was his last. He lived his life to the fullest, the way everyone should. I can guarantee you, if Cashy would have grown into an adult, the way he should have, he would have changed the world in some way shape or form. 4 years wasn't enough.

Why is it that every holiday season at the grocery stores there are those flyers you can buy for certain disorders for a donation of a dollar or 5. Why is there never any for childhood cancer? At Albertsons right now they have shamrocks for muscular dystrophy. I always buy one of these so I can put your name on it. We've been trying to get these in as monkeys with the foundations information, Daddy went to a few stores before Valentine’s day to try to get a store to use our logo and help raise funds so we can get more reggae runners out there and help other families. We were actually contacted by a hospital in San Francisco that we donated some runners to last summer on your birthday; they would like some more runners!!! They are in need of them! We were thrilled about this. That reggae run we did with you was your last run. It was so memorable in every way. Your 4th and last birthday. I never once thought that, that day would be your last birthday. I wish I would of thrown you I giant party. We should have, even though you would have probably hated it. I remember every time I asked you what you wanted for your birthday, you would answer, "stickers!" You loved stickers. The picture below is of you with your twenty-some packs of stickers that you stuck all around the house. There were even stickers on your head, and all over your bike. Man you were such a goofball. I miss you so much, the missing you part, it's constant, it never goes away, and I know it never will, I would never want it to.

We did family photos Saturday and Sissy got her one year pics done as well, along with her naked butt picture to go on the wall with yours and big bros. It'll be so cute!! Thanks Brittany McLaughlin with Writing with Light Photography! We can't wait to see them!!

Yesterday I broke down thinking about how wrong it was doing the family photos without you. We brought a framed 8x10 photo of you and had that in the pictures with us, so you know we're always thinking of you. I cried quietly in the kitchen thinking about how much of a stinker you were during your last photo shoot. You were already starting to get sick and you wouldn't smile for the camera! Brittney even had 39 different sheets of stickers to bribe you with, you kept taking the stickers but refused to smile! My sweet stubborn boy. .
Here's a quick recipe for a fabulous way to cook Brussel sprouts. I never used to like Brussels but with our new diet I've bed trying everything, and Brussels are sooooo good!! So take the Brussels and wash then then dry them off. Cut them in halves and place in baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil or coconut oil (we use coconut oil for everything), salt/pepper, and some garlic powder (not garlic salt it makes it to salty). Bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes. Your kids might even love these, colty and sissy do!!! Enjoy hot!

Check out the picture below of Cash watching Barney Live. You can just imagine what his face looks like. He was so excited!! this was in Disney world on Cashys make a wish trip! Such great memories!

Friday, March 15, 2013

"Tu me manques"

Miss you more and more everyday sweet Cashy. Four months seems like a lifetime without you. I hope you know how much we miss you.
Till we meet again buddy.

Friday, March 8, 2013

New blog design!

Well I've been working on the blog page most of the day, I finally figured out how to change and add pictures and make it a more personable page than it was! I would like some feedback, is the colors to loud, is it hard to read?? Let me know what you all think! I'm excited to hear your feedback, and I was excited to see that we've had 75,000 views on our blog page!! That's awesome!! The most popular blog post was the one I did after cashy passed, there was over 8 thousand views on that post! Crazy!! Keep reading and ill keep reading!! I like getting feedback and comments to from you guys as well. It makes me want to keep writing! So keep on with the comments! It's funny cause I get all bummed when I only get one or two comments a blog post. I'm always thinking, man no one read it all this time. Lol, Im a dork like that. But even if you guys don't read it or comment, I will still write because it's actually therapeutic for me. I like talking to Cashy. I know he listens!
So I am wondering if anybody has pictures of Cashy that I haven't seen or that I don't have. I'd love to get all the pics I can of him. So if anyone has pics even if it's from a long time ago, I want them! Please send them to me! Send them to or if you know my number just text them to me. I would truly appreciate it!!!

Cashy, my little buddy. Oh how I miss you so! It's still so unreal that your gone, that your not here to touch or tickle, or kiss or hug. I miss every part of you, even your stinky toes. Why did this have to be your journey? Why our family?

I was thinking about how out of off the people I went to high school with, all the girls I played soccer with, that I'm the only one who's lost a child to cancer. How flipping rare is that? It's rare for Missoula Montana, but it's definitely not rare. Thousands of kids die each year. I think about senior year how in the school newspaper they always did a section about the seniors and what everyone voted people to be "most likely" to do this or "most likely" to do that, well I was nominated (and my bestie lyndsey Was the runner up) for "most changed", what? Why does that even mean. I was kinda mad about that actually. Some people get most likely to grow up and be the president, some people got class clown (that was probably Joey wingo, lol), so why wasn't there a "most likely to have a kid die of cancer," category? At least I could of been warned.... Or at least prepared myself. I don't know what made me think about this, it makes no sense at all. Not sure why I even typed it. Stuff just flows like word vomit sometimes. Whatever I guess. I wish I would of been "most likely to live happily ever after". Why isn't that a category. I don't think ill ever been truly completely 100% happy without you. There will always be a huge void of a hole named Cashy in my heart.

My patient tonight after she had her baby scarfed down a giant super sized Arby's meal tonight. The smell made me wanna puke a little. (Sorry to the peeps who eat Arbys, no offense but it grossed me out) Sad thing is that that meal of about 1000 calories isn't even going to give her the energy or the nutrients that she really needs to breastfeed her baby or even maintain the energy level it takes to take cAre of a newborn. Ugh.

Colty's last day at Chief Charlo is today. :( I think I'm more sad about it that he is. Hd will be attending Lewis and Clark on Monday. A fresh new start. And he better get serious because they're ahead a little in math! But he's so dang smart he will catch on fast. Even his teacher thinks he will do just fine although she's sad to see him go (so she says, lol.... That's boys a handful!!!). So will will bring his class some treats and they're having a going away party for him. So cute! The most awesome thing is though, at the new house the bus stop to his new school is right out our front door! Yay!! No driving or biking to school! He's all excited to get to ride the bus to school. Cashy you would of loved to ride the bus too. I hope you ride it with him on Tuesday (Monday ill take him as it's his first day).

Well I just wanted to write a quick note on my blog page editing! I hope you all like it and continue to read! Cashy I hope you love it to!! I miss you, I love you and I wish we were snuggling in bed together and I was waking up every hour to give you water. This morning I had an odd dream where I was like above myself watching myself sleep and Toss and turn, and I could hear myself screaming and crying for you. It was so odd, it was like I was half awake half asleep. I don't know, I'm probably just losing my marbles!! Sleep deprivation will do that to a person, (so will working night shift!).

Well goodnight my sweet boy. I miss you and wish I could hold you and run my fingers along your scar on your head. I loved how it felt bumpy underneath my fingertips as I caressed your head. Your lovely battle wound (well one of the many).

Thanks for the sweet little surprise I found from you last night while getting ready for work. Michele was right when she said I would still find plenty of cashy surprises at the new house as well. A cars bandaid on my makeup remover towelettes. How sweet is that! I love you!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Pictures, potty time, juicing and growing to do.

Cashy, I've been so sad for you these last few days. I miss you so incredibly much that there is no words in the dictionary that could describe such emptiness.
How is it even possible that your gone? Could this all just be a bad dream and I just haven't woken up yet. You know when your dreams feel so real that when you wake up they are so vivid, it was really like you were really there doing those things. I wish it was a dream. If it was I'd probably never come back to reality. Id be ok living in dreamland. Anything is possible in dream land. First thing I would do is track you down and smother you with hugs and kisses till you turned blue. Then I would do whatever it was you wanted to do. I would guess that you would want to go to Walmart or target and pick up a ten pack of hotwheels cars and maybe some markers, probably a pack of toy story band aids as well. In dream land id let you get a 100 pack of hot wheels if you asked. (Pretty much did in real life too, you were spoiled rotten).
Your fascination with hot wheels cars came about the summer you turned 3. You went on a long trip with Daddy, Casey, Dan, Domo, Skye pearl and Your bro Colten, all the way to Denver Colorado. Daddy met with a bunch of cannabis activists and there was a expo going on. While you guys were visiting people, you were shown this kids hot wheels car collection. Daddy said there was probably over a thousand cars or more. Well that night when you guys were all getting ready to leave daddy had a feeling to check your pockets, well loan behold you had like 20 cars stashed in your pockets. Daddy unloaded your stash and they let you keep one. From there on out you were obsessed!!!

When we were in California doing radiation you were at your peak of hot wheels cars obsession. Every time you went in for radiation daddy and I would be waiting for you with two brand new in the box hot wheels cars. You insisted they were in the box and you wouldn't accept them unless they were new/sealed/ in the box. No way around it. It was pretty cute at first. We went to Walmart and would buy maybe 25-30 cars at a time. First we would try giving you just one car after each radiation season, then we would try keeping the boxes and reusing the cars , putting them back in the box and taping them so you would think it was new. Not a flipping chance. You would know instantly that it was a used one. Then came the tantrum! Daddy and I would always jump to your beckon call. People often told us we spoiled you to much, but hell how can you spoil a superstar like Cashy Michael Hyde, you were only the coolest dude on earth. You couldn't. Man I'd buy you anything you wanted if I could.

Sometimes when I'm deeply thinking about you and all that you endured, I get so weak, I can't breath, I panic. Pictures of you in your white suit in your coffin circulate through my brain like a movie, a sad sad movie, almost as bad as a horror movie, some things were that bad. The thought of how cold and stiff you were when your body was this lifeless vessel. Vessel to another realm. To another life, another spiritual dimension that your godly like self gets to embark on. Thinking about it that ways makes me calmer, makes me almost excited and at peace that you are on your next spiritual journey. The medium told us you were gearing up to take another soul soon. A part of me is happy about this, but another part of me is soooooo upset and hurt at the possibility of you taking another human soul. Who will you be? What will you look like? Will you still come to me in my dreams, will I still be your mommy? This frightens me. The universe is such a powerful, enlightening, and giant mass full of radiant energy. You could be anything, anyone. I do hope who ever you go on to be, that you get a chance to be healthy and live a life with no pain and no worries about tumors or scans, or blood draws. It's only fair that you get that chance. You've paid your dues, you experienced more in your short life than a grown adult would ever imagine. I'm so proud of you for that. I'm so proud of everything you ever did. I think about the few times I got you to actually pee on the potty. Of course we bribed you with a new Spider-Man bike if you went, even once. Lol. So you went pee and the moment that pee hit the little potty chair, you were done and you pulled out the cup part that the pee sits in, you ran down the hall to the bedroom to show daddy your pee. Alot of it spilt on the carpet and wood floor as you ran all the way to show daddy, but that wasn't the point. You were so excited, I was so excited, daddy was so excited. Our baby boy peed on the potty! Daddy took you to pick out your bike and you boys came home with a new big boy spiderman bike!! You loved it, even though you could barely reach the pedals.

I love recalling all our memories we've shared with you. Sometimes the littlest of memories are easily forgotten. I don't ever want to forget a minute that I spend with you. Ever. It's all I had left, memories.

Sometimes it's easy to get off track, it's easy to just want to be sad, and have pitty for yourself. Woah is me, my baby is dead, in a coffin practically 20 feet underground beneath the snowy cold hard ground. I think about you being down under the ground and I get really upset. It really wasn't what I wanted for you. (Well obviously death in general wasnt what I wanted for you) I wanted to cremate you. I wanted to keep your ashes, I wanted to have them in a really awesome urn, maybe reggae stripped. Mainly I wanted to burn that cancer out of you, I didn't want you buried deep in the ground with that killer of a beast in your body. It send shivers up my skin thinking about it. It's not what I wanted, none of it. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices and you don't always get what you want. Ive learned that Throughout this unforgiving life. I wish I could at least visit you, your so far away. I wish I could just get off work and drive up to the cemetery and see you, or talk to you through a cool crazy special urn that you would be in on the fireplace mantle. Daddy and Colty were at least able to visit you a couple weeks ago. I hope you were giggling and teasing daddy and brother the whole time they were there. I know you were.

I ordered picture prints of a ton of my favorite pictures of you. I blew up our family photos we did in June and framed them last night. I was literally a wreck hanging pictures and cooking dinner last night. Each time mike would come in I'd be bawling hanging up another picture. It's probably not a good thing that this house is so big! It means more wall space for pictures of your cute face! People will probably think I've literally gone nuts, bonkers, off the wall with all the picture I've hung up. I don't care, I miss you and it makes me feel good. Except that I just stare at the perfect essence of your being and my heart just melts into a million pieces and I want to crumble to the floor. I wish I could just hold you and kiss that spot behind your ear where I would kiss and you would giggle and laugh because if tickled so much. It's like that song by meatloaf, "I would do anything for love"except, I would do that thing that they wouldn't do because I miss you so much I would literally do anything. If that makes any sense. Well it makes sense to me.

Everything makes sense except the fact that your gone. Im still so very sorry and sick to my stomach that this has happened to you, to us. Nothing will ever be ok again. This life without you is wrong, so now I just have to go on, without you, it literally feels like my heart is on the outside of my chest and everyone is using it as a punching bag. I was actually told the other day by a crazed maniac of a Cashy fan ( ugh, there's always some crazies out there) that I had growing to do as a person. Pshhh. Well everyone can grow as a person yes, but to be told your ungrateful and you have growing to do, well that just pissed me off. I'd like to see how much growing you'd do if you fought for almost three years to keep your baby alive, if you've seen everything from code blues to blood gurgling out of your babies mouth as he get suctioned out while on a ventilator that keeps breathing for him, or while you hold your son shaking, while his skins a crispy burned color and peeling so bad from the chemo that his butt is so raw you can't even wipe the excessive diarrhea with babies wipes because they burn the already burned skin even more, or while you mastered catching vomit in the pink puke bucket as soon as he made a certain face you knew chunks were flying, or how you held your son 6 weeks straight every morning while they sedated him with heavy narcotics so they could radiate his 20 pound little frame from head to toe. Why don't you do some of that, then tell me I have some growing to do. I'm not saying I'm this saint of a person, I've made mistakes, I've made poor decisions, but I've also learned from those bad decisions and mistakes, I HAVE grown as a person, I've grown into a mother to my hero, a momcologist, a freedom fighter, a rebel, a woman who is strong enough to hold her baby and keep it together while he is taking some of his last breaths for fear of scaring him in his last moments, I've grown into all those things and I admit I do have growing to do yes, because my time on earth isn't over and as long as I'm alive I'm Growing and I wouldn't want it any other way. If your living and not growing as a person well something is wrong. So to that awful lady who made me waste my time and tears arguing with her, yes I do have growing to do, and if I'm not growing well I'm not living!

So on to a more positive note: Juicing; so alot of people have been asking me about juicing and how and what it involves. I know the thought of juicing --Cashy, makes your head spin and you usually would automatically freak out about it, most of the time you'd be semi ok with it as long as we pretended to take it back out. You would say "take it back" so we would pretend to suck it back out of your gtube after it went right in. Lol we sure fooled you sometimes!! Haha. So juicing is an amazing way to get alot of vital nutrients to your body with out all the pulp and the vegetable or fruit itself. When you drink a fresh juice it hits your blood stream instantly faster than a shot of hard alcohol. It gives you energy, it fills you up and is such a healthy way to get your more than your recommended servings of fruits and veggies. Your dad and I absolutely love juicing. When we skip a day on accident, if we're to busy or run out of time, we just don't feel right, we feel run down, kinda cranky and drained. We try to do a daily juice around breakfast time. I will usually just drink the juice after my workout and call it good, mike usually eats something (he's so skinny he needs to! ). It fills me up for hours. We use carrots and apples as our main staple, then I add whatever I can find in the fridge, kale, beets, spinach, usually a pear as well, and parsley even. I chug it down because its a mental thing for me. Sometimes they're not the tastiest with all the green leafy veggies so I chug it down. Mike savors the flavor. Lol. So with exercising and juicing we feel better than ever! Everyone should get an omega juicer and start juicing their way to best! Lol.... I totally sound like a commercial. Hahaha.

Well I must say goodnight. Daddy's sleeping on our new mattress (after nearly 12 years on our old one) that came in today ( while I'm at work, so jealous) so please give daddy a dream Cashy! I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever to infinity and beyond! I hope your safe and warm buddy. Miss you more than you would ever know.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Cancer, I hope you get cancer and die!

Cashy, Cashy, Cashy. Oh, how you are changing the world, even if it's just through one person at a time. I don't think a single person who sees your sweet smiling face or hears your contagious laugh could ever continue on without hearing your story of how brave, strong and how long and hard you fought. You fought harder in your 4 years of life than anyone I've ever known, and probably ever will.

More and more people are discovering your amazing story everyday and hopefully people are sharing and spreading it as well, like a wildfire rolling in the wind, snatching everything in its path, spreading Cashy’s childhood cancer awareness. That's what we need, awareness for this awful, murderous disease that is taking over our babies and loved ones.

Sometime I get so angry thinking about how little knowledge people know of childhood cancers. Why? This is one of the leading killers of our children. Cancer. Before you were diagnosed I never even knew about childhood cancer, sure I knew it existed, but I didn't care to learn more about it. Maybe I was in denial that I would never be faced with something so deadly and destructive, let alone my perfect little baby boy like you.

How can something so common in today's world have no reliable treatment plan. And I’m saying reliable, like life saving. Chemo and radiation are not a cure. It's like us parents are just throwing our children in torture chambers and letting the doctors and nurses have their way with them. Let’s pump these sick kids full of adult chemotherapy drugs in pediatric doses, and radiate their whole bodies until their vomiting, till their hair falls out, till their immune system can no longer take it. Skin peeling from every part of their body from the toxic chemo that requires a bath every 8 hours to wash the chemo from their skin after it soaks through their pores causing severe burns. Then they either get an infection from the low white counts, or they finish the round and then recuperate to do it all over again. And this is the best we have for our babies? It's unacceptable. Our country has failed us. FAILED.

I feel like if we could do this all over again, I would have chosen to do it the RIGHT way. You would have been put on the cannabis oil right away, high doses. You would probably still be here today and I know this to be true. A little 8 month old baby just beat a massive brain tumor solely with cannabis oil twice a day on his binkie. His cancer is gone! It's amazing. I know if we wouldn't have done the high dose chemo, and denied the radiation, you would likely still be here. But we didn't know all that we know now. Mike did, he knew it was all a bad idea. But when you are faced with your little baby having a 4.5cm brain tumor, you panic and it's almost like you do what you’re told. Like the Jews who were put to death by the Nazi’s. They did what they were told and it was their demise. We listened to the doctors, although we didn't trust very many of them (geez, some of them you wonder how they even passed the medical board exam), we listened and put you through the recommended gauntlet they called pediatric cancer treatment for a stage 4 PNET brain tumor. Surgery, 6 rounds of high dose chemo with three stem cell transplants. Not to mention septic shock, bleeding lungs and life support as possible side effects from those horrific treatments.
I'm so sorry we put you through that crap Cashy. I'm so so sorry. I hope you know we tried so hard to keep you alive.
I’ll never forget those two months after your brain surgery when you were blind and so scared and dependent on both our daddy and I. The grueling brain surgery where we waited for you for 4 hours, we waited to hear anything at all promising from your world renowned brain surgeon. He came back half way through surgery, he was cold, had a stone cold face as he took us back into a tiny room to talk to us. All he could tell us was your tumor was in the blue cell tumor group and he was only able to remove 10% of your tumor. All that for only ten percent? 10 percent that grew back plus in the weeks later to 4.8cm.

We were called back after you were transferred to ICU and were stable. I remember walking through the maze of the PICU seeing all these sick frail babies on open beds and cribs, all with something awful lurking around in their bodies as well. We found you and you were sleeping soundly, you were all bloody and your hair had been shaved slightly where your incision was. You looked so tiny and helpless and all I could think about was why did this happen to you, to us? It was so unfair. Or poor baby laid helpless on this hospital bed with IVs and arterial lines running into his tiny veins. They kept drawing your sodium level because after surgery your sodium kept getting out of wack and they had to monitor it closely. This is what started your new love and craving for water, and all the water you could get. They wouldn't let you drink water because it would dilute your sodium level even more. But you were so thirsty that you were crying and whining, you would point to your mouth in agony for more water. They let us give you tastes of water on a mouth sponge. You hated this, until you figured out that if we soaked the sponge enough with water you could suck that thing dry then ask for more. They quickly caught on to that and wouldn't let us do that very much either. From then on your sodium levels were never the same. Your pituitary gland had been removed in surgery and we weren't aware of this until after chemo was completely done and your were struggling for your life on life support. Your endocrine labs were out of wack and you now required synthroid and hydrocortisone to live. You had to have that every day for the rest of your short, yet amazing life.

You pulled through brain surgery like a champ. You were out of the ICU in less than 18 hours and back up to the neuro floor.

We knew right away that you couldn't see. You were so scared and insisted Mike or I constantly be by your side on the bed. Sometimes I would try to get up and sneak to the bathroom and you would notice and you would slap your arm on the pillow indicating you wanted me back there right that instant. It was hard for us to even get a tiny bit of a break. Not that I even wanted a break, I wanted to always be by your side. I wanted you to know that we would always be there no matter what.

One thing I am very proud of is we never once left you alone in your hospital room. Mike or I were always there with you. We saw many kids alone in their rooms after hours, as parents had to go home to be with their other children. We always made sure one of us was with you at all times.

Your obsession with drinking water was your body’s way of regulating your sodium levels on its own. You would wake up almost every hour for water, you would put down 12 oz in 10 seconds. It was crazy. All that water had to go somewhere, so of course we were changing your diaper every hour as well. Often we'd wake up totally soaked in pee. Man it was an exhausting process, but I'd do it for the rest of my life if it meant you were still here with us.

Your thirst for water was an ongoing battle but sometimes it was worse than others. Eventually it leveled out, but even the night before you died you were up asking for water in the middle of the night. We always kept a big glass of water on the night stand so we wouldn't have to get up and fill it up, but sometimes we had to. Sometimes you would be picky on what water glass we would give you to drink out of. Sometimes it was a guessing game on what you really wanted. Those last few weeks with you, you had such a temper on you! You would delegate who could do what. I'd get you a glass of water, but I would have to hand it to daddy to hand it to you or vice versa. You were like that with everything (which I blame the tumor for your irrational behavior), diaper changes, sometimes you'd insist daddy change you, then sometimes it was me, then a few times baby sis was delegated to the task, even the dog Irey changed your diaper once. That was tricky!! Haha.

We were so scared you were going to be blind forever. Until one day after your second round of chemo, we were at grandma’s house and I was making funny faces and waving my hands at you. I stuck my tongue out at you and you copied me!!! I was like hmmm, maybe he can see shadows. Well shortly after that you were able to walk again with help and we had got the news your tumor had shrunk down to nothing but a few cells at the base of your skull. We were so thrilled. I remember getting the news and running down to the camper where Mike was sleeping because he was up all night with you (We took turns every day, we would stay from 8am-8am the next morning with visits throughout the day and then we'd switch out for the next shift, we were quite the team daddy and I) and I woke him up and told him your tumor was GONE! It was a miracle and I was soooooo happy. You were getting your sight back and things were looking up. You were starting to feel better as well. Then it was like all of a sudden you could see again. After that third round of chemo you were up and playing and running around again, despite the vomiting and diarrhea. You were such a rock star, or I should say you ARE a rock star buddy.

There are so many children out there suffering from the horrible side effects of these chemos and the radiation they are getting, this is unnecessary suffering, if anyone googled the benefits of cannabis you'd have to be a friggin idiot to not know that it's the most natural, safest and most therapeutic plant known to man. Anyone battling cancer should use cannabis first as a treatment. What's to lose? Try the oil for a 30-60 day trial and see how it goes...what if you didn't need to do chemo, what if you didn't need to lose your hair or have open brain surgery? What if you didn't need to get your brain radiated or your boobies chopped off? What if????? There's no what IF about it. Cannabis is curing cancer and treating hundreds of debilitating diseases right in front of our eyes and people are too scared to even know the truth. I try to let people know about this miracle plant and that possibly it's the cure to cancer (according to the Medium and Cashy, it is). I send messages to parents fighting cancer with their babies. Nobody listens. Nobody listens until it's too late and they want the cannabis after they've done all the horrible treatments, well expecting the oil to work after their body has been through the gauntlet, well it's highly unlikely. That's where I went wrong with you Cashy. I'm so sorry I didn't trust daddy's instincts and refuse the radiation. I know better now. It was the death of you. I'm so sorry. Daddy and I cried in bed the other night talking about this. You just can't radiate a baby’s brain and expect it to fix it. No, it comes with life long side effects if you can even get them to live past a few months of the radiation. It's sickening what these doctors call treatment. No one will even know what I'm talking about until you've sat with your baby and sedated them with Propophol (yes that’s what Michael Jackson OD' on) every day for 30 days, until they've held their baby in their arms and they pass out like a limp rag doll, then your hurried out of the room so they can intubate him and screw that awful radiation mask down to the table with your lifeless body under it. The hurt in your heart when you walk out of this giant chamber full of special walls that soak up radiation, without your baby. Then you have to wait for an hour while they pump radiation, you follow them up to recovery where you wait till you wake up. It was the most awful feeling every time. I hated leaving you on that table alone, and cold. You always came back frozen from being in that cold room all exposed. My poor sweet baby.

Radiation was short, only lasting 6 weeks but it was by far the worst thing you had to go through. I'm so sorry for that. You were such a trooper, sometimes you would even play on the jungle gym at the Ronald McDonald house afterwards. I always admired your amazing strength.

Oh how I miss you so much. So much has happened in the last few weeks. We found new homes for both our dogs Irey and Muffy. They weren't getting the attention they needed and sure as heck would never listen to us one bit!! Irey would jump the fence immediately when we let her out. She is like a dang gazelle. She'd be gone all day, till she felt it was time to come back or she was hungry. So she went to a farm out of town with an old couple who has the time for her. Muffy went to our friend Dan’s parents in Bozeman. It's been really lonely without the dogs, so quiet. You always cracked me up when Irey would come and jump on the bed to sit by you. You would yell "IWEY, No, get down!" It was so cute. You would yell at Muffy too when she would come sit by you on the couch. Haha.

I was so sad initially thinking about moving out of our house we have so many memories with you in it. But now that we have moved, the big move was this weekend as I know you were with us. The new house is awesome! We're so excited about it. It's spacious and has charm. Although the kitchen is outdated and the kitchen is MY domain, I am trying to make it cute. You can tell it hasn't been updated since 1970. Lol. Talk about some pee green tile on the wall as border. Eww!!! Oh well, though I don't mind it one bit. I’m just happy to have so much room now!!! The backyard is basically the woods, there’s a huge ravine, and a creek with lots of trees. Deer everywhere! Colty is in little boy heaven! Yesterday morning he ran out chasing a deer and fell into the creek before school (it's shallow up to ankles), he required an outfit change. Goofy kid. Colten and Sissy each have their own big room and YOU even have your own room!!! I was so excited about this. You never had our own room at the other house. So this is YOUR room!! I'm gonna hang our Spider-Man poster and some other things. I had an awful dream that you were wandering around the house looking for us and you were so sad. I woke up bummed.

Sometimes we swear Catherine Joy is you in disguise! What 10 month old baby loves to play with matchbox cars??? Umm not many!!! I constantly find sissy playing with your cars at the old house, well two days ago I couldn't find her for a sec and I found her in your room playing with your cars, lol. Then yesterday, I found her playing with two of your band aids, I had no idea where she even found them, as we've moved and everything is in disarray. There are just so many similarities with you and Sissy. I love that. It's almost like we get a do over with her. Cashy keep her healthy and protect her, as I'm sure you are.

While in the midst of packing and sorting through Cashy and Cat’s things last week, one of Mike’s friends little girl was over and she is a few months younger than Cashy. She goes, "too bad the baby doesn't have her own room," I go "well she does now," and Autumn goes "well, where is your other baby going sleep?" I told her that Cashy died (assuming she wouldn't know what passed away meant), she gets all concerned and goes "your baby died?" She was so bummed about it, and a little bit later she comes up to me, "I miss Cashy so much." I was like "I do too honey." She was just so cute, and it always blows my mind when I see kids your age Cashy. They seem so big and grown up and they all talk so well. It hurts my heart to think that, that's how you should be. Running around, talking in sentences, playing in the dirt with guns and worms. Being a little boy. You were robbed of that life buddy. You were robbed of a normal little boy life. I prayed every night for that for you. I'm glad we had a few good months in between. When little Autumn was born she was born with a small deformity on both her hands and feet. I remember thinking when she was born that it was the most awful thing that could happen, and I'm a nurse so obviously I've seen worse. I remember thinking, “thank god that didn't happen to my sweet Cashy” who was born three months earlier. God, now I’d trade deformed legs, arms, hands, feet, cleft palette any of those for cancer. They're all cosmetic. Then 4 months later my good friend Megan's baby girl was born with two holes in her heart and would require surgery before she was 1. This was devastating as well, again I was so thankful it wasn't my baby, but I hurt for my friend who was so scared for her baby. But now, Baylee is a healthy happy little 4 year old girl, who just chopped her hair off with scissors! Lol.

While packing i found your missing crocs with fur inside of them. Tucked in them were some dirty socks. I smelled them and was able to smell your stinky feet. You always got a huge kick out of us smelling your toes and saying,"peew!!!" I cried so hard when I found all your shoes, most of them are single now as they dont have a match. Breaks my heart.

Well, we’re finally settled in our house, daddy has a foundation office as well and we’re planning a Reggae Jam concert with Pato Banton again for the foundation at the Top Hat on April 11th! We're so excited about this!!! I hope everyone can come out and show their support! It'll be free to the public!

My good friend Jacque came to town the other weekend as we had planned to do a ski day at Snowbowl. So we ski'd Saturday and tore it up on the east bowls and had a blast! Jacques a damn good skier!! We could all use a lesson from her. I told her she was like an angel on the snow! lol . Unfortunately, one of our near and dear friends Nikki Lynn from high school passed away and we attended her funeral the next day. It was such an amazing turn out and it was a great celebration of Nikki's life. RIP Nikki, watch over my Cashy for me. I know you are! Nikki, I hope you know how many people love and care for you and your giant heart. No more funeral for me please!!!!!

Daddy went to LA that weekend and set up a foundation booth at the High Times Cannabis Cup. Cashy you still are a well known celebrity in the cannabis community! Daddy is so passionate about this movement and I really admire his dedication and perseverance. I love you babe! He had a real good time and got to spread your story to more people!

I always try and make it a point to tell someone new your story. Even at the YMCA when I go and workout I usually give out a bracelet or two, just spreading Cashy’s Cancer Awareness! It's the least I can do. I want everyone in the world to know what a fight you put on for the world to see and even though you’re gone, you've touched so many lives in your short time on this earth.

I had a great dream of you yesterday while I was taking a nap before work. We were at some kind of water park and I was in the pool trying to get you to jump in, you jumped in and grabbed on to me and we were floating around and we had our arms wrapped around each other and I kept telling you, “I love you and miss you so much.” It was so great. It was like we were reuniting for a quick swim! Loved it. Keep them coming buddy!!

Well I must end this post sometime, so with that, I’ll say that I love you to the moon and back to infinity and beyond and miss you so much. Give daddy a dream of you please, he's yet to have one and he's broken about it.