Wednesday, May 15, 2013

6 months without my heart beating.


It's absolutely asinine to think you've been robbed of your little boy life now for 6 months. Thank you cancer once again for ruining our lives and everyone else's that you touch.  

6 months without your silly monkey ways, 6 months without your little squeaky voice, 6 months without your ever so impressionable smile that could melt a person’s heart with one glance, 6 months without being able to hold your little hand, 6 months without your sweet lips on mine, 6 months since I've snuggled and held you close, 6 months since my heart went to heaven.  

Oh how I wish I could have gone with you.  Sometimes life just seems so meaningless, like we're just going through the motions to just get through the day and on to the next.   

Where is everybody when you need them? 

I don't sleep well, I haven't now for 3 years, but now it's worse.  I lay in bed after usually falling asleep on the couch holding Sissy, but totally awake and now running my mind through the never ending slideshow of your life and death.  Would you be able to sleep?  Would you be able to sleep knowing the place your baby boy, your hero once slept, is now an empty spot.  I look over at your daddy and want to just smack him sometimes for being able to sleep as soundly as he does, (he doesn't on the nights I work though, haha, cuz of Sissy).  Could you sleep knowing that everything that your beloved little boy ever loved, had ever done, colored, played with and cherished is now in a big storage container in his "new" room.  Knowing everything is in there, but not having the strength or courage to even look through it or pull things out to make your room feel more of a little boy's room than just daddy's office.  Knowing that if you did dig through it you'd probably have a major melt down and cry session.  Sometimes its better not even go there.  But sometimes a good cry session is all you need to pick yourself up again and go through the never ending motions of life once again, life without you Cashy…life that will never be the same.  

This pic is when we were all in Seattle and we went on a little hike.  I love this pic.  

I lay awake wishing and hoping you'd come running through the door with your big cheeky grin on your face, just because you missed me and wanted to squeeze in the middle of daddy and I. Oh how I wish I could be tired from being up all night with you, getting you water, even cleaning up your throw up if need be.  I wouldn't even care about laying in your pee, like we often had to do because you'd soak through the sheets and your super absorbent nighttime diapers twice a night sometimes, I'd gladly do all the dirty work over and over if it meant getting to see you again.  But I don't, I lay awake in a sleepless cycle of regrets and what if’s, could of’s and should of’s, because your dead and I can't change that reality. 

The things that keep me going and make me have semi better days are because of the people that have grown to love you so much buddy.  They followed your story and a lot of them are perfect strangers, people we've never met before, people who poured their hearts into prayers, meditations, positive thoughts for you.  A lot of them are friends from the past, friends that I've made because of you, and friends that have always been around.  But it's the strangers and the friends from long ago that have picked up on your story and have fallen in love with you, you've changed so many lives in your short little life here on earth, it's seriously amazing.  I get so many heartfelt letters and messages weekly from people that you've changed their life through their learning of your story.  Isn't that phenomenal Cashy? That something so amazing came out of something so negative, and destructive as cancer.

I got permission from one of my friends from elementary and grade school to repost a message she had sent to me awhile back, the things she said really stuck with me, it warmed my heart and made me feel really good.  Thanks Karen! :) 


First I want to say that you are an amazing woman.  The strength that you and your family show is unbelievable and truly inspirational! I look at your FB page almost daily and I love your blog. Your little Cashy has changed so many lives and has inspired the world.  


Because of his story and your posts, so many families are making a healthy change.  I for one love reading your posts about nutrition (second of course to stories about Cash).  Thank you for bringing to light the world of GMOs.  It scared the crap out of me to know what I had been feeding my boys.  We have made the organic switch and I am now a crazy label reader.  I would love to know more about all the changes that you have made to your diets and such.  I still feel a little...okay a lot...overwhelmed by it all.  It is harder with the older two boys because they are so darn picky when it comes to food.  They would have lived off of chicken nuggets and turkey sandwiches if I would have let them. It’s hard to find substitutes for all that 'bad' stuff.  Taybor (the youngest) was easy.  I never fed him store bought baby food; he wouldn't eat the nasty stuff. I made all his baby food myself and he is a completely different child.


Months ago, you wrote about juicing and it had me instantly researching juicers and I fell in love.  It is my one guarantee that they boys get the veggie nutrition that they need.  I never in a million years thought that they would even touch spinach or kale let alone eat it!  

Thank you for sharing Cashy's story with everyone. I don't know how you manage to do what you do; wife, mom, nurse and world changer.  Sounds like Super Mom to me.  


So how amazingly sweet is that Cashy?  You’re helping change the world little by little.  I get a lot of these message, letters, emails like this and it truly touches my soul each and every time I get one.  So thank you all for being there for my family and me during this difficult last year we've had.  Nothing in life can be worse than losing your own child, especially to cancer…nothing.  So every little word of encouragement, every little message from your heart really helps me keep goings.  So thank you all, and thank you Karen.  ;) 

Cashy, everything in my mind is jumbled. I can't get the night you died out of my head.  The images are imprinted in the back of my mind and I don't think I'll ever forget the pain and heart ache that went on that night.  We were so unprepared, so in denial that you were "dying.”  Never once did we think that you were going to actually die.  We were so hopeful.  There were never talks of funeral plans, what you would wear, how you would be dealt with, i.e.; cremation, embalming, burial.  I honestly never once thought about what we would "do.”  I just thought that you would beat this, that we would cure you that my momma skills could just make you all better. Isn’t that what moms are supposed to do for their little boys? Kiss and make it better with a Toy Story Band-Aid?  Well you can’t put a Band-Aid on a friggin brain tumor, as much as I'd like to think I could, but I just couldn't make this one better this time.  You got tired.  You put up such a hard fight. I get flashes of that night you passed, almost like a war veteran would get "flashbacks", I get cancer flashback; I have "momcology" PTSD.  I picture you gasping for air like you did for that hour that night.  I was so scared for you.  All I could do was panic, cry and fear that you were suffering.  I wanted you comfortable, which you had always been.  I think the whole stigma of "dying" made me panic and made me feel like you needed something to help ease the transition.  But the oil did it, ten minutes after your second extra dose of oil you breathing slowed, you were calm and you were able to just cuddle with us.  I wasn't calm.  I was a wreck; I was in a zone of an adrenaline rush.  A certain kind of adrenaline rush no parent should ever have to feel.  I remember telling you how strong you were and how proud of you I was, and I remember telling you it was ok to let go.  I actually told you it was ok, that daddy and I would be alright. I lied, we’re not alright, and we’re not ok.  We miss our little boy more than anything. 

We had a great Mother's Day BBQ at the house with the moms and grandmas, and aunt Michele and Craig.  It was a good time, but we all missed you so much buddy.  Here's colty and I checking out the mother duck laying on her eggs waiting for them to hatch.  They hatched the very next day.  

I made these pictures frames with all the kids handprints on them for my mom and mikes mom as a gift.  I found a tshirt that Cashy had his hand print on that he painted back in September so I photocopied it and improvised.  They're pretty cute little art projects I did.  

I was admiring the coffee table yesterday.  I examined every little sticker that is forever stuck to it, stuck by your little fingers.  I'm so glad I never removed all those stickers.  They will forever reside there, just like your everlasting angelic presence is in my heart.  A real smile inside me exists, every so often.  Once in a while there’s a smile, a smile that I can let go without the guilty feeling and that little devil that resides on my shoulder saying, "why are you smiling?  Your son is dead; there is nothing to be smiling about."  But once in awhile, I can muster up a smile, but how can that smile be real and true when your heart is so broken? 

Daddy and I will be flying out on Thursday morning to San Fran.  We're excited to get away together and spread some Cashy cancer awareness.  Hopefully John and Corinne will give us a tour of all the must sees in San Fran because all the other times we've been there; there wasn't much time for that!  Can't wait guys!!! :) 

So I took Sissy to the eye doctor because I've been so paranoid that she has a brain tumor and that it's growing and growing.  The eye doctor said her eyes are perfect and there is nothing to worry about.  Phew.  I could drive myself nuts worrying about everything.  Sissy also had her ear nose and throat appointment.  Her ears are still icky inside despite all the heavy hitter antibiotics including the recephin shots.  Ugh.  So they recommended that she get tubes put in he'd ears to help drain the fluid in the middle ear.  I will say that I'm freaked about the face that she has to go under anesthesia but I'm also not really worried one bit, what's a ten minute tubal procedure when you've sat through a 4 hour brain surgery?? Ahhh it's nothing. She will be just fine and there's nothing to worry about.  For now, lol.  So her procedure is on may 30th.  Wish her luck.  I hate when any of my babies aren't 100 percent feeling well. 

Colty is going turkey hunting with aunt Michele and uncle Craig this weekend while we are off to San Fran. He's so excited.  

Well Cashy, I will say goodnight and tell you once again that we are all hurting for you.  We will be hurting for you for the rest of our lives, but our lives that you are going to shape for us to live, so we can live to the fullest potential possible.  Because living any other way would be a disgrace to you and everything you fought so hard to live for.  We want to live life to the fullest for you Cashy.  Kinda like the "what would Jesus do" motto.  What would Cashy do?  That's how I wanna live.  (That's a lot of lives, and life's, haha, kinda a tongue twister).  

Oh and the little baby that was born last week named Cash Michael, well they decided to change his middle name to Hayden and let YOU be the one and only Cash Michael.  I thought that was so sweet and I cried to myself when a fellow nurse that had her as a patient as well told me this yesterday.  Wow so incredibly amazing of them, to honor you like that buddy.  Man I miss you.  

I love you to the moon and back buddy, to the moon and back.  


Your momma


Thursday, May 9, 2013

Dear May, oh how I loath thee.

Dear life...why are you so hard? Why do you have to pull at my heart strings (or lack thereof from sadness and grief) and take them in every direction…literally every day? Haven't you had enough? I have.  


For some reason these past few weeks have been extremely hard without you here Cashy.  You would think as time passes, my heart would be use to the sadness, the pain and being without you here. It's not easier, it's worse.  It's almost like I have risen out of the fog that I've been living in these last 6 months and now things are clearer, and things are clearly wrong.  


Wrong as in our family…we are a family of 5, not 4.  Wrong as in your big brother has lost a buddy and no longer has you to play with or teach bad things too.  He doesn't get to run around the back yard with you, he doesn't get to help you learn how to ride your big boy Spider-Man bike without training wheels.  He doesn't get to have a partner in crime like he should.  He should be taking you down to the gully below our house so you guys can run through the creek and get your shoes soaking wet like he does by himself now.  He should be showing you how to kick a soccer ball and score a goal (or I could show you that, mom’s an old pro--haha).  He should be helping you learn how to read by reading you books before bedtime. He doesn't get to do any of this; he has lost his best buddy, his side kick. 


We always talk about how you would be doing certain things if you were still here with us.  Such as, if you were still here you'd still be sleeping in-between daddy and I in bed. You and Sissy both.  Instead I now occupy the pillow you once laid your head to rest every night.  I don't get to fight over who gets "mommy's Blankie" now, It's always just waiting there for me instead of you snuggled up with it.  

I think a lot about how I should have been able to sign you up for kindergarten this year.  Next month you would be turning 5 years old.  It's amazing and so unfair to think, life can change so fast, in the blink of an eye.  I don't think reality will ever fully set in that you’re gone forever. That no matter how hard I wish, hope, pray, and beg to hold you or kiss you again, reality is I won't be able to. I only have your pictures and memories left.  You would never imagine how even the blurriest of pictures is a blessing to me.  I'm glad I never erased all those blurry photos that I took twenty times just to get one good one of you smiling.  I cherish each and everyone now.  Since the first of May I've been trying to post a different picture of you every day in honor of Brain Cancer Awareness month, ones that most people haven't seen.  But I start looking through the pictures and all I can do is just bawl my eyes out as the sting of you being gone resonates throughout my whole body leaving my heart numb.  I stare at these pictures looking at every detail of your sweet face, your angelic body.  How was I so lucky to have even gotten the time I did with you? But why couldn't I have had more? 

Your documentary is coming out into theaters really soon, the debut is June 6th.  We will be heading to SLC to help promote and be there at the premiere.  Then daddy will fly to Texas the same weekend for the premiere in Dallas on June 8th.  It will be playing in Missoula on July 25th as well, at the Wilma! We will be there with bells on selling bracelets and shirts.  Everyone should come and be there for this and help support Cashy’s legacy! If you’re not there I’ll be pissed!! Haha! It's a phenomenal documentary and you are the star Cashy! This documentary is the sequel to "American Drug Wars," a documentary you can find on Netflix.  It's going be huge and soon everyone will know your story Cashy.  Here is the link to the trailer: (you might have to copy and paste it)

Well last weekend your brother and I ran in theColor Me Rad 5k race here in Missoula with a bunch of new and old friends, we were Team Cashy of course! The raddest team of all!  The race was a blast and it felt good to get out there and run and throw colored chalk around. Your brother had fun too, but he was a little slow!! Haha.  He needs to get his butt in gear and start getting ready for hunting season!  So a big thanks to Michele Steele for organizing team Cashy, it was great to have gotten to meet all of her friends.  They all seemed like such great people, just like she is.  Love you Chele.  Thanks as well to Staci Manaraska for making all the ladies our reggae tutus, we all looked so fabulous!  Thanks for your hard work babe! It was nice to get out there and laugh a little bit!



Daddy worked hard today and finished up 4 more Reggae Runners that we will be donating to Sacred Heart Hospital in Spokane, WA this weekend! It's always exciting to go and donate some runners; it helps keep a smile on our face, knowing that we’re putting smiles on sick kid’s faces. It's such a good feeling and I hope you’re proud little buddy. 

Sissy is getting so darn big, she is walking all over the place and getting into everything.  I swear her middle name is baby danger!  Haha.  The other day I heard a picture frame break and I went running, found her and she's holding a giant shard of glass in her hand.  Geez, luckily there was no cuts.  Then the other day she was all tangled up in the vacuum cord, even around her neck twice.  I swear!!! Yesterday mike had left the downstairs door open and I come walking out to see her standing at top of stairs looking down, luckily again, she didn't go a tumbling down.  

Brooke and I rode bikes down Pattee canyon, by the new house yesterday.  It was a blast zooming down the road on a pedal bike again, I felt like a kid again!! Brooke was freaking me out though as she is 7 months Prego zoomin down Pattee on her cruiser bike, haha.  It was all good.   So we got a crazy idea and daddy went and bought us a mountain bike at Wal-Mart and he hooked a baby seat to it for Sissy.  So now while I’ve been at work, the boys and Sissy have been cruising downtown and around Missoula on their bikes the last two nights.  I can wait to join next time!! Hopefully I can make it back up to the house, uphill isn't the easiest on a bike!! Haha. Here is a pic of sissy eating an ice cream cone from the DQ on one of their rides. 

So at work tonight, about 6 hours into my shift I was in the room weighing a baby, changing his diaper and checking his vital signs.  I asked the mom, "So what's this little guy's name?"  She answered, "His name is Cash, Cash Michael." Same middle name and everything.  Whoa, I was speechless and got a little auseated and hot flashy.  I got flustered and I had the baby naked to weight him, but in the flustered-ness I put his clothes back on and forgot to weight him so I had to retake everything back off. Lol, oh man I wasn't sure how I felt about it.  I was overwhelmed with emotion. She said they hadn't decided if they were going to use a K or a C for it, (in my head I was like, K K K).  I left the room after finishing my tasks.   Went into the med room and couldn't hold back the tears.  Ugh, twice now in a row I've been crying at work. I hate crying in front of people, I hate to show weakness.  I know the name Cash is a pretty dang cool name, but man, hearing that this baby was a Cash Michael just like you; it broke my heart but made me smile at the same time.  I want my Cash Michael back.  :( 

My little Cash monkey boy and big brother Colty. 

Next week Daddy and I are going to San Francisco to visit John and Corinne (thanks for flying us down guys!) and daddy is going to be talking at a conference and we will be running a booth for the foundation.  I’m excited to get out of town for a bit, but nervous to leave Sissy for three nights.  She is still nursing, so I will have to be pumping.  Ugh!  Oh the joys of motherhood! ;) 

The last time we were in San Francisco was with you buddy for your 4th birthday where we donated 10 reggae runners. I miss you so much bud.  

Well, the entire month of May sucks and to top it off May 6th is "bereaved Mother's Day.”  I got a message from a fellow friend, who's also lost a baby herself, not to cancer but to childhood infant death syndrome (such a tragedy) saying it was national bereaved Mother's Day.  So now I officially hate May even more.  Real Mother's Day is coming up and I'm not even looking forward to it because Mother's Day is a day where you celebrate being a mother to your wonderful kiddos, but how can it be wonderful when you’re not here.  


The hardest thing is Knowing deep down that I'm a mother of three kids but only two are alive with me now.  My baby boy is gone because of cancer, because of that nasty Effin disease that is underfunded for pediatric research, but yet I learned last week that the government can spend nearly a million dollars a year on researching how snails have sex.  No joke.  How snails have sex???  It's disgusting and I'm ashamed to even say I'm an American if this is what it's come down to.  Snails having sex takes priority over thousands of kids dying each year.  Fuck you American government, when will our kids take priority?  Who knows, but until then people will keep shaving their heads (not my boys, their growing their hair OUT for cancer, lol); people will keep donating their money to charities that only help themselves and not the kids. When will the kids be more important? After all they are our future right?? 

Well Cashy, I'm going to go, I hope you’re happy, safe and warm.  I miss you so much and love you to the moon and back. 


Cashy Fans: 

Here is a recipe for some yummy zucchini.  Slice zucchini in half, cut end off to stabilize, brush with olive oil or coconut oil, top with garlic powder.  Top with sliced tomatoes and salt and pepper to taste. Then layer with mozzarella cheese, and add fresh basil on top.  Bake at 375 for 20-30 minutes!  So yummy! 

Here is a yummy potatoes recipe also, except instead of butter and olive oil use coconut oil (much better for you and no cholesterol) you could even use sweet potatoes instead. Yumm!