Every day is beautiful!

Well it's now been over two months since we found out Cashys cancer has returned and 3 months since he started showing symptoms again. Each and every day with our buddy is a challenge but a beautiful blessing at that.
Not much has changed in the last week since the last update although we have changed some things in his daily routine and his eyes are looking better than they were when he was on the DCA.
Since removing cash from the DCA he has shown a slight improvement, he's been awake more for longer times and his rapid eye movements have lessened. His vomiting is still present but less often and we haven't fully figured out when it's gonna happen, it's totally random, but mostly in an when he first wakes, (which is one symptom of a brain tumor, morning vomiting). He threw up this am, but once again I was able to pull out a playdough bucket that was near and catch it all, lol (our poor bed, I swear I'm changing sheets every other day, sometimes twice in twenty four hours). Cash has been giving mike and I an extremely hard time when it comes to hooking up his feeding tube and pump at night on continuous feeds. He fights it so hard and if literally takes us grown adults to hold him down to hook it up, then it's the battle of keeping it in because he's smart and knows how to unlock it and unhook it. Last night he was pulling on his gtube so hard that it was almost pulled out of his tummy completely. And if anyone knows how gtubes work there is a balloon that is blown up after being inserted thy holds it in place, he almost had the whole thing out. We literally had to hold him down and put a small T-shirt over his belly and tape it around so it covered it so he couldn't pull it, that lasted only ten minutes and it was off, finally he gave up and went to sleep. Ugh. That fiasco took nearly an hour but he stayed hooked all night.
We purchased a vitamix blender, (that thing is effin awesome!) so now during the day we blend up every meal that we cook and I add a bunch of high calorie high fat items, to it and then we Just squirt 60cc of the mix in him at once, about every hour he'd gets full syringe along with his fresh veggie juice. This am I'm mixed up scrambled eggs, toast, hemp protein powder, hemp oil, flax oil, yougurt and almond milk, mixed it up and pumped him full of it! You could literally grind up a whole steak in that thing if you wanted, we don't eat meat, but you could basically grind anything up you want. It's so easy and since he's not eating a single morsel it's the best way to get wholesome food in him, then at night he gets the tube feedings on continuous. He's maintaining his weight, he hasn't lost any, even though he looks like a little skeleton.
This morning about 4 am when the boys got up to go hunting (yes hunting again), Cashy woke up and was in the best mood, laughing and giggling. I love to hear his laugh, it vibrates through my whole body and Just resonates good vibes! I love it. His laughter is becoming less and less so when we hear it, it's just amazing and makes you feel so good.
Lately he loves for me to lay with him and hold his hand. I love this, his little hand in mine, it feels so right. I wish I never had to let it go.
I know everyone struggles day to say with their own lives, children, bills, work, school, etc. I know how the simplest of things can seem important, and sometimes you overlook the important things by worrying about the little things. Well when you have a child sick with a debilitating disease like cancer, you tend to push away those little things and only worry about the major things. With that said, Ive been struggling with a friends post on Facebook last week. I Wong name names but if you read this youll know who you are, and know that I love you girl......but she posted this long post about how her 3 1/2 year old is having major issues with obeying and listening and that he is Totally out of control and won't listen to her for nothing if she sends him to his room he's jumping off dressers into his bed, etc. She also said that she went and saw her doctor so she could get medication so she can tolerate even being around her son?!!??.....seriously Hun, do you know what I would GIVE to have Cashy acting like a little asshole and running around jumping off dressers and yelling and screaming!! To need medication to numb your reality of your happy luff and your healthy kid, well it's appalling. And I'm hurt that you would even go to that extent, to medicate with prescriptions. There's much better ways to cope! Believe me! Sorry if this offends you hun, but it's been bothering me. Some advice for you as well, look into what your feeding him, sometimes certain foods can cause kids to act out, there's dyes in processed foods that can literally alter behaviors. Start looking there. But get off the meds. Enjoy your rowdy wild boy, you never know what could happen tomorrow or the next. Tomorrow is never promised for anyone. when Colten was three he was the same way, we actually got banned from ever playing with a good friends little daughter who was 9 months older than colty because he was to wild. It's just a 3 year old boy thing, trust me.
Mike and I were able to attend the pearl jam concert on Sunday! We didn't have tickets and either did our friends so we decided to try and find a scalper, by the grace of god we did but all four seats were in diffrent sections, lol...we all managed to squeeze into a spot! It was so much fun and was nice to get away for a few hours and Just jam to some music! Thanks Brooke and Casey for coming with us!

So we're just still going day to day, hoping and praying for our miracle again. I do know one thing, if it wasn't for the oil Cashy is on, he wouldnt be here, he wouldn't be comfortable like he is, and most likely he'd Be on a morphine drip trying to control his pain, but he's not! He's comfortable, happy for the most part and is still enjoying going to Walmart for a quick grab of some playdough, markers or cars. Lately it's a big cars movie kick again. He actually sat up and watched the whole movie cars yesterday. Usually it hurts his eyes to watch tv very long but he did it! I'm pretty sure were on the right track to killing this tumor. Three months since this tumor has returned, basically it should be huge by now, and I know it isn't! we're gonna fix you Cashy! Just keep being that super Cashy that we know and soon it will all be a bad nightmare! Brain tumors are complicated and breaking that blood brain Barrier is hard to do, so with that said we can't expect this tumor to be gone over night, it's a process and mild and I are pretty much on our own protocol for this one. We're changing the world guys! We are! Just you all wait and see, soon no child will have to suffer this way again!
Thanks for the pizza last night Tammy! Your such a sweet lady! Thanks again! And thank you everyone for the continued love and support! We love you all!

Happy birthday to the best daddy out there!

It's 3 am and I'm sitting here at work, it's so busy here in OB that we had to open another two whole units, because our new OB/labor and delivery unit won't be done for another month (so they say a month, but I'm guessing it will be longer) i got a little panicky and anxious thinking about things.
I'm thinking about how any of these parents who just added a new baby to their family, or are parents for the first time ---these parents could experience exactly what Mike and I are experiencing right now. Tomorrow is never promised and cancer has no rules, it doesn't care about age, or race, or if your a new parent or a parent of 3 or 4 children. Honestly I would never say I'm done having children because I have my "healthy" children and that's all I need. Because you never know what could happen,. No one is ever guaranteed tomorrow. Not that you would ever want to replace a lost child but health is never promised.
When this journey was laid in front of us over 2 1/2 years ago, I had never realized how many children and family's are affected by this horrible disease until we were thrown into this battle unwillingly. It truly opens your eyes to what really is important in life. The nice house, the nice cars, none of it really matters at all if your child is battling for their life. What matters more than your kids? Your own flesh and blood? Nothing. It's all material things that can be taken Away and brought back. But If your child dies, you can't bring them back. Your heart will be missing a piece as long as you live.
My heart is missing a piece, there's a hole in it where 4 year old healthy Cashy should be. He should be running and playing with his brother, learning to ride a bike without training wheels, Climbing trees and skinning his knees and running the neighborhood with Colten and all the neighbor kids.
Whenever I see 3-4 year old kids, I'm always so in Awe how big they are and how well they talk. I think, wow, Cashy should be 40 some pounds and talking really well. But he's 22lbs and talks about as much as a 2 year old. It breaks my heart. Mostly for the fact that he hasn't had that chance to grow and prosper as a normal child.
He was all signed up for head start this year, we went and met some teachers and saw his classroom back in may, Cashy was so excited to go to "school" that day, even if it was just to heck things out, he wore his backpack that day and filled it with markers and crayons. He was so excited for it. I kept saying to myself and mike, man I hope he is well enough this September to start school and even if it's for just a half a day a few days a week, I was thrilled for him to start learning and getting on with life past cancer. A part of me knew it wasn't going to happen but I had all the hope in the world that it would.
Cash has been wanting to get up more lately, he likes to go for rides in dads truck and moms van. We went to the home coming parade with grandma and the cousins on Saturday. He was ok for a few minutes, he mainly wanted to go get candy, even though he really didn't even want to eat it. We left shortly after arriving but I was happy that I was able to get him out of the bed and dressed. Him and cat the went to grandma Julie's while I got to get away for a few hours and attend the griz game, even though we lost, if was good to take a break and visit with family and friends. Thanks for the ticket Jan and Rich!
We decided to take Cashy off of the DCA. We decided that cannabis has so much more to offer than the DCA and with its side effects, such as muscle weakness, vomiting and risk for neuropathy, we just decided against it. We did 4 full weeks on it though. The cannabis oil is everything every cancer patient should have, its a anti nausea, antioxidant, neuoroprotectant, antibacterial, anti pain, anti seizure, and most important anti cancer. So back to the basics again. There's so many promising studies emerging with cannabis shown to stop metastasizing cancers and to ultimately cause apopotosis to the tumor itself, basically it eats itself from the inside out. So we're still praying this is working!! He's comfortable, not in pain, so that's all that matters. That my baby boy isn't in pain. Sometimes he complains of his eye hurting and he holds his hand over it. Which breaks my heart.
Colten and mike got out hunting again and this time took grandpa Jim along with them. jim was able to shoot a deer with his bow and Colten was right there by his side, helping him gut it out! Yuck! Colten was very excited! It's good to see him so happy and full of life. I wish that for all my babies.
It's Mikey's birthday today! The big 29! We're getting old!! Haha. I'll be 30 next month on Halloween! Ahh! Hard to believe we've been together since I was 18 and he was 17. It's been a LONG interesting road of ups and downs, but somehow we always prevail and make the most of it. I wouldn't want to share this road with anyone else, he's my rock and he keeps me grounded and even when I'm down and feeling defeated he's alway there with a positive attitude to keep me truckin along. Even if it's spending Christmas in the Ronald McDonald house thousands of miles away from home, we've made the hardest of hard times memorable. I love him so much for that. Happy birthday baby. I love you! I know exactly what you want for your birthday wish, as mine is the same. I never would of thought 12 years ago when I met you in Mr. kucera's class (with your big black afro, and your tinted glasses) that we'd have three beautiful children, and one who's battling cancer for the third time. Why we were given this journey I don't know, but I do know one thing, that this has made us stronger and better people today, and I wouldn't change that.
I'm still feeling terribly guilty being at work. What is a mother to do? My gut instincts say to stay home and cuddle that baby like he wants me to and never leg him go. But I feel like he's still well enough for me to keep working. Is that selfish of me? I dont know. We still have bills and such that need paid. Pretty much just power, water and phone, screw everything else. Like I said none of it matters.
But when I'm gone for 13 hours I feel so sad and guilty that I'm not there holding his hand like he likes me to do, or snuggling him in one arm and trying to feed baby girl in the other arm. It's such a special feeling to be loved by your babies, to know they need you more than anyone in the world. It's a huge concept, and I love knowing that their ours and no one else's. Our own little breed! :)
Well everyone have a good week and keep our Cashy in your prayers. He's maintaining so that's all we can ask for! Love you all. One love!

Laying here in bed with Cashy, he is insisting that I "go ny ny" with him, well he has all day. Id love to just sit and lay in bed and snuggle him all day, but then again nothing would get done. Where is the time to clean the house, breastfeed the baby (believe me it is time consuming, she'd be ok with sitting on my nipple all day long) cook my healthy children and husband dinner, homework with Colten, giving colten ( god knows colten is my neglected child, i need to spend more time with him) and cat attention and my hubby too ;), and also try and get a workout in as well (it's my mental vacation, even if it's only an hour).

Cashy keeps me extremely busy, and believe me I wouldn't trade it for the world. With morning meds, making fresh juice, keeping his oil dose in him every three hours, his supplements, hooking up his tube feedings because he won't eat a thing, (and believe me it's all a fight with him, most times he insists his baby sis give him his meds instead of me, yes it's interesting but we improvise, then we have to pretend to take it out, because he gets pissed and says "take it out" we pretend and he's content with that), more meds in the evening along with more oil and supplements.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I wasn't cut out for this job, like maybe I'm not a good enough mom to have such a special child like cashy with cancer , all the responsibilities and worrying, and sweat and tears that come with having a child who's battling a life threatening disease. Well I'm thankful to the lord that I am Cashy (and Colten and cats,)mom and I wouldn't want it any other way but I question if I'm really good enough for such a special boy. Maybe nothing I'm saying really makes sense, I run on minimal sleep.

Every mom wishes the best for their children. They hope for good health, and happiness and they want to give their children everything that they want. But what happens when you can't make everything better, you can't take their pain away, you can't just put a bandaid on it and kiss it all better. Isn't that what a mom is supposed to do, take away their baby's pain? What if you can't? How do you cope with that as a mother. I still don't have that answer, after two and a half years of battling this horrid beast, I still don't have that answer. I want to be able to fix him, make him that same little boy that he was two and a half years ago, but reality is he wont ever be the same. The effects of chemo and radiation are unfathomable, they have wreaked havoc on my baby's tiny body. He hasn't really even grown all but a few centimeters since we started chemo two and a Half years ago. He's a measly 22 pounds at 4 years old. He frail and pale and really tired, really really tired. It breaks my heart to see him so lifeless and wounded. I wish I could just rip that tumor out of his brain and throw if away or take it and put it in my head. He doesn't deserve this, no child does. Fuck you cancer, fuck you. I'll scream it at the top of my lungs. But it won't change anything. Children die everyday from this retched disease. It's not fair, it's not right and reality is big Pharma really doesn't want a cure for cancer, they want our loved ones to be diseased and sickened, it's all a money making scheme at the expense of our loved ones. It's a sad fucking reality and I hate everything about it.

Just lost my angry train of though, Cashy threw up, I made it fast enough and caught it with a bowl, only a small amount on the monkey Jammie's, damn I'm good. But really no mom should have to be "good" at catching vomit on time. Seriously. Fuck.
Man I love this little boy so much, words can't even express the love I have in my heart for him and all my babies.

His eyes are moving weird, the right one turns inward and then will move back and forth really fast. It scares me. Mikes so optimistic about it all, he's always like "man his eyes look good today," I'm thinking, are you insane, their crossed and twitching weird. They don't look good to me. But then again it could be the DCA that he is getting, it's a neurotoxin. Reality is its probably the tumor pressing on the optic nerves. But we're trying our hardest to be optimistic and believe he is getting better. But I'm worried he's not.
Talking with a gal from work the other night about all of this and how we believe his going to get better, she mentions how everything we do or when people see me its always, "how is cashy doing?" she goes, "it'll be so weird for you eventually when he is gone," because we're always so consumed with cash and that's what people think of when they see me. I dont think she wAs trying to be hurtful, but It hurts to even think that it's possible that he could be gone someday. I think about it alot and my stomach churns and makes me dizzy and nauseated. The thought of having to bury your own child. It's gut wrenching.

Colten John turned 8 years old yesterday, him, mike and uncle Grady and Dan are out trying to kill that trophy bull! I hope they can get one in the am! Colty is such a good kid, he didnt even want a big party he wanted to go hunting! What a man already! I'm making a cake for his arrival tomorrow.

Thank you to Christian Redhli and brittney Painter, and Sarah Bledsoe for putting on today's garage sale for Cashy and the foundation! They raised almost 600 bucks!! Thanks so much for your hard work ladies!! We love you guys!! We couldn't do it without everyones support.
Well enough tears and doom and gloom for the night. I'm gonna cuddle my little love and fall asleep holding him tight. Goodnight all. Sweet dreams.

So I'm utterly pissed, I had a huge blog update wrote out and someone called me and it erased everything!!!! Ahhh. Dang it.
Cashy is about that same, he's only thrown up twice in 8 days. We're grateful for that. Still sleeping alot but he needs sleep.
I can't thank everyone enough for all their support during that last month of our third battle with this beast called a PNET brain tumor. Everyone has been so great and caring, that our heads are spinning!! Thank you everyone for your support, we couldn't do this without eveyones kinds gestures and love. We love you all.
September is childhood cancer awareness month, and this is now our third September since we entered the world of pediatric cancer. Nobody knows how devastating cancer can be until its someone you love or know going through it. I've posted the statistics many times, the death rates, cure rates, and the number of children effected daily by this horrific disease. I can't bare to do it again because it sucks, and as crappy as it is, there is no cure. You hear of moms "shaving their heads for cancer" for research, big reslly where does all this money raised for the "cure" go?? It's been 2 1/2 years for us and still there isn't even any new hopeful drug of a miracle that can be given. Why not???? Theres men on the moon, iPods, iPhones, navigation, all the technology in this world and yet no cure for effin cancer. It's unacceptable. The best there is, is poison in the vein, and high doses of radiation to their sickly little bodies. It's not fair. It's not right. Cashys "best hope" was stem cell transplants with high dose chemo. He had the best of the best and this still didn't work. Nobody knows how awful chemo is until they e sat with their child and held their had while their basically dying while receiving these bone marrow transplants during high dose chemo. It's basically the worst thing to ever witness let alone put your child through willingly. Radiation is worse, alot less of treatment time, yes but after effects are mind blowing.
Yes we're greatful for the 9 months after chemo that he had to be a boy a play, well after the months of recooperation. After radiation our little boy hasn't been the same. Yes he's still there but a part of him had been zapped out on that table along with that tumor. He has extreme control issues, you've all seen him in his monkey Jammie's, well thats because god forbid you take them off and get a bath and clean ones on once in awhile. Today I basically stripped him down threw him in the tub, he freaked about it but sometimes to have to just take control. Lol. Then he was mad because I threw the Jammie's in the washer. Well they can only be puked on and peed on so many times before you draw the line. I even bought him new ones on eBay, exact same ones.....don't try fooling him, he's no fool. Today he was so Mad about it that I wiped a booger from his nose and he insisted that I put the booger back in his nose, he's such a weirdo. Lol. I pretended and he was cool. Well he finially settled for the new red monkey Jammie's. Thank god. After a 45 minute screaming fest. Ugh. So now he's back to sleeping peacefully.
We had a good weekend, Friday mike, colty and I went to the michael franti concert with Domo, my brother joe and we met friends Casey, brooke and skye pearl. It was a blast, he did a shout out to 4 year old cashy hyde and even put on one of our bracelets! Mike and colty went hunting sat through Monday. Cashy, Catherine and I went to a BBQ with friends and family and Cashy actually was up playing in their playroom for over an hour! Very pleasing to see!
Yesterday I drove over with catherine to Bozeman Montana to see one of bestest friends on earth and her new little bundle of joy June. She's so dang cute, she's got a whole head of firey red hair! I love it! I can't wait till their both running around and giggling!! Lyndseys been such a great support through all of this with Cashy since day one. She' flew to SLC three times and even drove over with her sister in law lindsay when Cashy was in the PIcU after his third bone marrow transplant went bad. I still remember that day so clearly when they came and we decided that since Cashy had been semi stable for a couple days (even though he was on life support with bleeding lungs and septic shock) that it was ok to go get lunch and maybe do some shopping to get my mind off things for a bit, Not long because I hadn't left his side that whole week after the first two code blue/cardiac arrests earlier that week. So we venture out and decide to go to the mall, I think we had pizza and went to American eagle and then we decided o head back. On our way out to the car I called Cashys nurse in the icu and they said he was stable but a little aggitated but no worries she said they were going to give him something to tske the edge off, that worried me (this is now why he has a allergy to presedex) So we have to stop at nearest gas station to get gas in the blazer, I go inside to pre pay and I come out and lyndseys on my phone and she said it was the hospital and they wouldn't tell her what was Going on, I pick up phone and she said it was the Chaplin and I need to get to hospital ASAP becAuse Cashy was in cardiac arrest and they were doing CPR. I freaked, I don't think we even got gas, i took off after the girls wantex to drive, i said no, and I seriously have never drove so fast in my life as I did that day. They probBly have PTSD from that drive, lol, I was going about 100mph bobbing and weaving in between cars, I was a serious race car driver, I did really good! I kept trying to call mike and my dad because they said he wasn't there, mike wouldn't answer so I kept calling mY dAd, somehow he answered it but didn't know it because I could hear mike and him talking, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, and driving 100mph for them to hear me, finally my dad heard me and I said "cashs coding, get In there NOW!". They went running in I guess and could hear overhead "could the parents of Cashy Hyde come to IcU state," on top of "code blue, PICU, room 1).
So after what usually takes 30 minutes for that drive took us 10 with my NASCAR skills. I pulled up and ran in, lyndsey parked the car. By the time I had got in there everything was stable for now. Seriously I'll never forget that day, my mom and brad had just headed home hours earlier to.
Lyndseys mom passed away from liver cancer when colty was Just a baby. I think about what they all went through during that time and I wish I would of been a better support for her like she has been for me. Pam fought long and hard, and it was grueling for them all. I know Pam is looking down at Lyndsey, (and Mariah and zack too) and she couldn't be more proud of all of them. I'm sure she's right by your side lynds oggling over that sweet baby girl of yours right now. I know it.
Miked good friend casey had always been by our side throughout this battle as well, skye pearl (his 11 year old sassy pants daughter) and casey made numerous trips to SLC with us and to visit us. His mom also passed awAy from cancer (Breast) after giving birth to his youngest brother which she refused chemo because she was pregnant. now that's a true mothers love right there.
So thank you lyndsey and Casey for being such good friends during all of this. We love you guys.
Cancer affects us all, not just the one with the disease. It affects parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts, best friends and perfect strangers. Remember that children can't fight cancer alone. We need better options for these kiddos.
So we just Keep taking this battle day to day and thank god for all the good memories and times we've had with our Cashy. We will beat this, and if will be because of everyone who's came together to help!! Thank you all. One love.

A month ago today...

Well it's been a month since we found out Cashys tumor is back for the third time.
Surprisingly he's at least maintaining, two weeks ago he couldn't stop throwing up no matter what and what amount we put in him (thank god for the gtube), so he's pretty consistently thrown up once a day (every morning) for the past week, the week before no throwing up. He's receiving his nutrition through his gtube on a soy based formula instead of milk based. We run it all night and it totals about 14 hours a day and were up to 75ml/an hour. He's not wanting to eat anything which breaks my heart, id love for him to just scream at me for a cheese Sammy right now like he used to. :(
I've noticed his eyes are starting to move weird when he's awake, especially the right one. Which is from the tumor obviously. He's also on alot of oil right now which can also cause weird eye movements.
Yesterday after him asking and asking to get in the van and go get a "buzz" (buzzlight year) we loaded up baby sis and all and went to target and he got a toy story toy, some princess (yes princess, I tried to offer him cars, he insisted on the glittery princess one, lol) color wonder coloring books, and a small Rex toy story figurine. He was happy as can be and left and went to mikes parents house where we had some dinner for Julie's birthday. Happy birthday Julie! Although cash refused I get out of the car, it was a nice short visit.
My mom came and watched the kids today while I went to a cycling class at the Y. I love that class, it's fun and I get sweaty and do around 15-16 miles each class. It's a good workout. I encourage anyone to try.
So I came home and baby was crying cause she was hungry, my mom was flustered and then got all upset about how Cashy is just lying in bed and wanting to sleep. Give or take his dozens of yelling demands which we all come running to his beckon call, which I gladly do, because I would do anything for this sweet boy. The sleeping Is because of both the tumor and the oil. This is how he was when he was first diagnosed with cancer in 2010. It's upsetting and heartbreaking I know, i want nothing more than for him to bounce up and start playing and riding his trike again, id give my right arm for that right now. but really sleep is the best thing for him now. (yes mom I know your reading this, and I love you) you can't heal if you don't sleep.
So my aunt Diane and my cousins kila collin and casey (the boys are 7 year old twins and colty and them got along right away) came up visit us today,while they were in town from anaconda. I haven't seen them since uncle Danny's funeral when colty was 2. It was good to catch up. diane is also a 2 year breast cancer survivor and she's doing great and I'm so happy for her! She looked great too!

Our friends Amanda and nick, Sara and Ben put on a bake sale last weekend for Cashy at the farmers market and they raised $1000 for us. So very kind and thoughtful, thank you guys do much and thank you everyone who donated to the bake sale. Thank you all. Also thank you Lacee Putra for your fabulous donation as well, michelle steele for your rallying the troops for us as well, and theres so many more people i could on for days, we love you all and couldn't do it without you and your support.

So we just keep takin life day to day at this point and continue on with the plan and hope and pray for ANOTHER miracle for our sweet boy Cashy. He's such a little angel on earth, we must keep him alive. We must. It's not acceptable for anything less.

Battling brain cancer for the 3rd time in two short years.

So as many of you know, Cashy was re-rediagnosed with the same damn sPNET brain tumor that has taken over his little short life yet again on July 27th....for the third time.
He had been feeling crummy and complaining of his tummy hurting since the third week in June when we went on our family trip to San fransisco to give out reggae runners to the local children's hospital, 20 total!! The biggest reggae run yet. He started lounging around more, sleeping more and an occasional vomiting here and there which progressed as the weeks went on. We took him to his pediatrician to try and get to the bottom of why his tummy was hurting so bad, he had a ct with contrast of his abdomen and colon. He had ultrasounds, xrays and we couldn't find anything wrong. So we insisted on an MRI of the brain to rule out that nasty cancer. Well we got a call from dr Randall around 4 that afternoon saying the tumor was indeed back, in the same spot and it was 2.5cm.
We were devastated with the results. We had the thought a few times that the tumor was back but kept trying to reassure ourselves that it wasn't the cancer and that maybe he was having side effects of the radiation treatment as they did radiate his abdomen while doing the spine. Wasn't the case.
How could 6 weeks of intense radiation therapy not keep the cancer away longer than a few months. We were so disappointed, and now scared for Cashys life once again. How can life be so hard?? Why does this happen to precious innocent children? Why can't they just get a chance to play and grow and be a normal happy healthy kid.
The reality is 47 children are diagnosed with cancer daily and 7 will die daily. What kind of outrageous numbers are these? Why is it that childhood cancer has the least funding of any disease. Pediatric aids is funded 3 timed the amount as pediatric cancer is? In not saying pediatric aids research isn't a must, but the numbers of children with cancer with the numbers of children with aids is way way higher.
When Cashy went through high dose chemo and bone marrow transplant, they told us this was the most promising route of treatment with highest success rate. Did you all know that the chemo that he received for all his 6 rounds where chemo drugs from the 1970's!! Isn't that outrageous, doesn't that just enrage you?? That in the past 40 years they haven't came up with new drugs to fight cancer?? Doesn't that seem odd?? Do they even really care? Probably not. Not till it's one of their children or grandchildren. Then maybe they will.
Radiation only offered Cashy a 30% chance of 5 year survival. Shitty odds. But we went ahead with it anyways, in hopes to bide more time with our boy. Maybe that was the wrong decision. I dont even know anymore.
I'm just angry, angry angry and Just royally pissed of that my precious boy had to endure this pain again. I wish I could just transplant that tumor into my brain and let him live a normal heathy life, something I want more than anything else.
We promised Cashy no more pokes, no more scans, no more inflicting pain. I hope to god we can keep that promise and he won't ever need anther poke again. God let me keep my promise.
People are always saying, "oh I can't even imagine your pain, and how you all feel".......people, don't even try and imagine the pain in our hearts, it's not physically possible to even know unless your going through this and I hope to god no other child ever has to go through this again, but reality is 47 kids are diagnosed daily....47!! It could be you, your neighbor, your nephew/niece, your grandson/granddaughter, your sister/brother, mom/dad. Anyone. Cancer has no rules to abide by. It doesn't care who it is.
So now we are taking the natural approach and fighting cancer this time at home with everything we have. High dose cannabinoids, gerson therapy, we're also using a promising drug that doctors in Canada have been curing cancer with called DCA, there are some side effects but none worth worrying about at this point. Its very promising and we are excited to add this to our protocol. Google DCA if your interested in learning more about it. We ate confident that all these things together will help fight this nasty beast and give us more time with our boy. If it doesn't well we know we tried our damnedest and Cashy will die at home and knowing we all love him very much ad that we have tried everything to keep him alive. He's tired. He doesn't want any more conventional treatments. We know this. As much as I would love to Just pump him full of chemo in hopes that it would work, reality is it won't and the doctors told us it probably would only buy us another month or two. Why put him through that pain and agony, Judy so we can have him a little bit longer. It's not fair and it would be selfish of us to do so.
So I sit here tonight looking through old pictures of Cashy before he was diagnosed (a ripe 22 months old) and my eyes swell with tears when I see his smile and his long hair and thinking to myself wow, he was bigger at 20 months old than he is now at 4 years old. It's insane to think we've been fighting this beast for 2 years now, over half his life. It's agonizing and heart wrenching to think about.
We got home this afternoon from our lovely and relaxing vacation at seeley lake in a beautiful log cabin that a couple of amazing secret admirers got us for 4 nights. We all had a blast and are thankful for the memories that we now have. Thank you whoever you are, we are truely blessed to have such great people in our lives. Thank you thank you, you dont even know how thankful we are.
Thank you everyone else who have donated their time, energy and hearts to our family during this third battle of fighting cancer. We couldn't Be more appreciative. We love each and every one of you.
Cashys tired, he wants to sleep alot, but we did get his vomiting under control and he went a whole week without throwing up ( he was throwing up 7 times a day or more). We have him on tube feedings again as he was dwindling away with all the vomiting. He's now more comfortable and has been wanting to eat little bits here ANC there, although he is very very picky. Lol.
This is him sleeping peacefully on the couch tonight.
Alls I ask is everyone please please keep him in your prayers and thoughts as we battle this horrid disease again.
We love you all.
The Hyde's.

Long overdue update on Cashy :)

Holy cow, I really dropped the ball on blogging, sorry folks, has it really been 4 months??? Wow. Life has certainly been interesting that's for sure.
So we returned home from California At the end of January, we were unsure of the status of Cashys tumor at the time, we were nervous but had faith and believed it would be gone. His oncologist in Salt Lake city didn't want to do MRI scan for 4-6 weeks after completion of radiation. They said the tumor can still shrink during these weeks after the treatment. So we returned home and enjoyed every minute of it. You really learn to appreciate even the smallest of things when going through something like this. Our main focus was fattening up Cashy And enjoying being home.
We waited 4 weeks and returned to Salt Lake city where Cashy had a spinal tap, labs drawn, and brain and spine MRI. Of course we had to wait overnight for the results but the crazy thing was after his scan the anesthesia doc asked me why Cashy was having a scan done at this time because the radiologist (the doctor who reads the scans) was wondering..I was thinking to myself but didn't say anything not wanting to jinx anything, that the tumor must be gone if theyre asking why he's getting a scan done. So when the scan was over I went to the reception desk to pick up a copy of all his latest scans because we were doing that LA 7 news article and they wanted some pictures of the brain scan itself. I got the disk and noticed on it, it had that days scan on as well. Well that meant that it had already been read, but we always have to wait to next am for the oncologist to call us with results. The wait really is the most awful feeling ever, knowing the scans over and results have been read and everyone knows but you as the parents don't know yet. Ugh, it's agonizing. Well we got home to grandmas in salt lake and put the disc in the computer and I really figured it wasn't going to work because usually you need a special program to look at the scans but it loaded up and as I looked at February 22nds scan and it had the radiologists report. So I'm reading through all the big medical terms, kind of understanding most of it because of reading all the other past reports and over analyzing them, I think being a nurse makes this situation a whole lot worse and I'm constantly over analyzing everything. Every little odd thing, I'm constantly looking at his eyes and making sure their not droopy or if his pupils are dilated or constricted, or if he takes a nap that means he's tired and why is he tired? constantly fearing that the tumor is going to make an appearance again. A cancer parents worst fear. So reading through the report, to me it sounded like the tumor was gone, I took a picture of it and sent it to all my nurse friends and of course my mom, they read it and agreed it sounded good, but without talking to the oncologist I didn't want to get our hopes up and tell everyone.....so we waited till am and doctor called about 930. She said that the tumor was gone and to consider him in remission once again. It was literally the greatest feeling ever to know that Cashy has been given a second/third/fourth (whatever you want to call it) chance at life. We were flying high that day, can you say adrenaline rush! Mike did a live radio interview with Aaron Traylor that day, you could hear the excitement in his voice, he's such a great public speaker, he really can Just talk and talk and never miss a beat. I really love that About him.
We returned home again after an epic "cancer free Cashy" party at the badda bing (miles uncles hang out and car lot in SLC).
The girls from the college put on a fundraiser for the foundation called "Cashys cupids" fundraiser for valentines day and they raised around $1,800 for the foundation. It was really kind and generous of them to take their time and help out the foundation. Thanks again for that, we truly appreciate the support. ;)
Cashy had an eye doctor appointment to follow up and to see if the radiation had left Cash with cataracts, which we were told he would most definitely have them because they were beaming his optic nerves. The ophthalmologist told me that he was slightly nearsighted but most toddlers are and that he didn't have any cataracts and to follow up in six months. Sweet, we were stoaked!!
At first Cashy was still really tired and wore out easily, he was not the greatest eater and was slow to start putting on weight. I called his endocrinologist and they had me stress Dose him with his daily steroid every 8 hours for 3 days. Wow this really kicked him back into gear, he was eating like crazy (steroids do that) and he had alot more energy. Since then he has really been able to put on some weight and is actually getting "thick" believe it or not. He still about the size of a two year old but he's slowly growing taller as well.
I went back to work the beginning of march, my job has been wonderful with me and has been very flexible with letting me have the time I needed off to take care of Cashy. So very greatful.
March 30th we threw the "cancer Fears Cashy" party at the Elbow room bar and grill. We had a small raffle for some neat prizes and a 50/50 raffle. It was a great turnout and we raised $1,500 dollars for the foundation from selling bracelets, stickers, tattoos, and some shirts. It was a great time And we thank everyone who came out and helped support the foundation that night. Thank you all again!
April 9th, we were blessed with the another baby, this time a Girl!! We didn't find out the sex of the baby so we were very excited to have a girl. She is Just a delight, and the cutest little thing ever! She was a month early and my water broke at ten oclock that morning and 7 hours later she was born! It was the easiest delivery out of all 3 kids, even considering I didn't get an epidural, not even an iv was placed, not saying it wasn't the MOST painful experience ever, I'm glad I did it though, it was a humbling experience. She was 6lbs even, 19 inches and we named her Catherine Joy after mikes grandma Catherine. She was very excited and honored that we named her after her. Catherine is so sweet and the best little baby, she can be cranky sometimes though, and she'a terrible sleeper at night, ugh. She wants to be held at all times! She has the bluest eyes ever! Which is weird because neither mike or I have blue eyes and both boys have brown. Shes getting chunky already too!
So ill pretty much sum it up as life has been crazy busy with three kids!! With Cashy still being the most demanding child. He's very bossy, he tells me what to do all the time!! He's special I guess! He pretty much gets whatever he wants, I'm not gonna lie.
Colten and Cashy are great big brothers and big helpers too. I couldn't ask for a better crew of kids.
Cashy has been doing great, he has started talking so much lately, he will pretty much repeat anything you say, he will continue with speech therapy for the summer. He hasn't been very good about wearing his hearing aids, and we could be better at trying to get him to wear them, but with the last treatment and everything he quit wearing them and we haven't pushed the issue yet. Cashys enrolled in preschool for the fall. He will most likely go half days, three days a week or so. He's very excited!
So right now were on our way to Salt Lake city for Cashys next set of three month scans. He's doing so great it's hard to even think of the possibility that his cancer could be back. So once again were living life in three month increments with a new baby in tow.
Cashys spinal tap is tomorrow am, and his brain and spine scan and hearing test are Wednesday. So everyone please, please keep Cashy in your prayers and thoughts. I hate the fact thy he has to get ivs and pokes, it's not fair for kids to have to live like this. But as long as he's here, we will do everything and anything and whatever it takes to keep him heathy and happy.
One Love-
I promise to keep updating more often!!