New blog design!

Well I've been working on the blog page most of the day, I finally figured out how to change and add pictures and make it a more personable page than it was! I would like some feedback, is the colors to loud, is it hard to read?? Let me know what you all think! I'm excited to hear your feedback, and I was excited to see that we've had 75,000 views on our blog page!! That's awesome!! The most popular blog post was the one I did after cashy passed, there was over 8 thousand views on that post! Crazy!! Keep reading and ill keep reading!! I like getting feedback and comments to from you guys as well. It makes me want to keep writing! So keep on with the comments! It's funny cause I get all bummed when I only get one or two comments a blog post. I'm always thinking, man no one read it all this time. Lol, Im a dork like that. But even if you guys don't read it or comment, I will still write because it's actually therapeutic for me. I like talking to Cashy. I know he listens!
So I am wondering if anybody has pictures of Cashy that I haven't seen or that I don't have. I'd love to get all the pics I can of him. So if anyone has pics even if it's from a long time ago, I want them! Please send them to me! Send them to cashhydefoundation@gmail.cm or if you know my number just text them to me. I would truly appreciate it!!!

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Cashy, my little buddy. Oh how I miss you so! It's still so unreal that your gone, that your not here to touch or tickle, or kiss or hug. I miss every part of you, even your stinky toes. Why did this have to be your journey? Why our family?

I was thinking about how out of off the people I went to high school with, all the girls I played soccer with, that I'm the only one who's lost a child to cancer. How flipping rare is that? It's rare for Missoula Montana, but it's definitely not rare. Thousands of kids die each year. I think about senior year how in the school newspaper they always did a section about the seniors and what everyone voted people to be "most likely" to do this or "most likely" to do that, well I was nominated (and my bestie lyndsey Was the runner up) for "most changed", what? Why does that even mean. I was kinda mad about that actually. Some people get most likely to grow up and be the president, some people got class clown (that was probably Joey wingo, lol), so why wasn't there a "most likely to have a kid die of cancer," category? At least I could of been warned.... Or at least prepared myself. I don't know what made me think about this, it makes no sense at all. Not sure why I even typed it. Stuff just flows like word vomit sometimes. Whatever I guess. I wish I would of been "most likely to live happily ever after". Why isn't that a category. I don't think ill ever been truly completely 100% happy without you. There will always be a huge void of a hole named Cashy in my heart.

My patient tonight after she had her baby scarfed down a giant super sized Arby's meal tonight. The smell made me wanna puke a little. (Sorry to the peeps who eat Arbys, no offense but it grossed me out) Sad thing is that that meal of about 1000 calories isn't even going to give her the energy or the nutrients that she really needs to breastfeed her baby or even maintain the energy level it takes to take cAre of a newborn. Ugh.

Colty's last day at Chief Charlo is today. :( I think I'm more sad about it that he is. Hd will be attending Lewis and Clark on Monday. A fresh new start. And he better get serious because they're ahead a little in math! But he's so dang smart he will catch on fast. Even his teacher thinks he will do just fine although she's sad to see him go (so she says, lol.... That's boys a handful!!!). So will will bring his class some treats and they're having a going away party for him. So cute! The most awesome thing is though, at the new house the bus stop to his new school is right out our front door! Yay!! No driving or biking to school! He's all excited to get to ride the bus to school. Cashy you would of loved to ride the bus too. I hope you ride it with him on Tuesday (Monday ill take him as it's his first day).

Well I just wanted to write a quick note on my blog page editing! I hope you all like it and continue to read! Cashy I hope you love it to!! I miss you, I love you and I wish we were snuggling in bed together and I was waking up every hour to give you water. This morning I had an odd dream where I was like above myself watching myself sleep and Toss and turn, and I could hear myself screaming and crying for you. It was so odd, it was like I was half awake half asleep. I don't know, I'm probably just losing my marbles!! Sleep deprivation will do that to a person, (so will working night shift!).

Well goodnight my sweet boy. I miss you and wish I could hold you and run my fingers along your scar on your head. I loved how it felt bumpy underneath my fingertips as I caressed your head. Your lovely battle wound (well one of the many).
<3

Thanks for the sweet little surprise I found from you last night while getting ready for work. Michele was right when she said I would still find plenty of cashy surprises at the new house as well. A cars bandaid on my makeup remover towelettes. How sweet is that! I love you!

Pictures, potty time, juicing and growing to do.

Cashy, I've been so sad for you these last few days. I miss you so incredibly much that there is no words in the dictionary that could describe such emptiness.
How is it even possible that your gone? Could this all just be a bad dream and I just haven't woken up yet. You know when your dreams feel so real that when you wake up they are so vivid, it was really like you were really there doing those things. I wish it was a dream. If it was I'd probably never come back to reality. Id be ok living in dreamland. Anything is possible in dream land. First thing I would do is track you down and smother you with hugs and kisses till you turned blue. Then I would do whatever it was you wanted to do. I would guess that you would want to go to Walmart or target and pick up a ten pack of hotwheels cars and maybe some markers, probably a pack of toy story band aids as well. In dream land id let you get a 100 pack of hot wheels if you asked. (Pretty much did in real life too, you were spoiled rotten).
Your fascination with hot wheels cars came about the summer you turned 3. You went on a long trip with Daddy, Casey, Dan, Domo, Skye pearl and Your bro Colten, all the way to Denver Colorado. Daddy met with a bunch of cannabis activists and there was a expo going on. While you guys were visiting people, you were shown this kids hot wheels car collection. Daddy said there was probably over a thousand cars or more. Well that night when you guys were all getting ready to leave daddy had a feeling to check your pockets, well loan behold you had like 20 cars stashed in your pockets. Daddy unloaded your stash and they let you keep one. From there on out you were obsessed!!!

When we were in California doing radiation you were at your peak of hot wheels cars obsession. Every time you went in for radiation daddy and I would be waiting for you with two brand new in the box hot wheels cars. You insisted they were in the box and you wouldn't accept them unless they were new/sealed/ in the box. No way around it. It was pretty cute at first. We went to Walmart and would buy maybe 25-30 cars at a time. First we would try giving you just one car after each radiation season, then we would try keeping the boxes and reusing the cars , putting them back in the box and taping them so you would think it was new. Not a flipping chance. You would know instantly that it was a used one. Then came the tantrum! Daddy and I would always jump to your beckon call. People often told us we spoiled you to much, but hell how can you spoil a superstar like Cashy Michael Hyde, you were only the coolest dude on earth. You couldn't. Man I'd buy you anything you wanted if I could.

Sometimes when I'm deeply thinking about you and all that you endured, I get so weak, I can't breath, I panic. Pictures of you in your white suit in your coffin circulate through my brain like a movie, a sad sad movie, almost as bad as a horror movie, some things were that bad. The thought of how cold and stiff you were when your body was this lifeless vessel. Vessel to another realm. To another life, another spiritual dimension that your godly like self gets to embark on. Thinking about it that ways makes me calmer, makes me almost excited and at peace that you are on your next spiritual journey. The medium told us you were gearing up to take another soul soon. A part of me is happy about this, but another part of me is soooooo upset and hurt at the possibility of you taking another human soul. Who will you be? What will you look like? Will you still come to me in my dreams, will I still be your mommy? This frightens me. The universe is such a powerful, enlightening, and giant mass full of radiant energy. You could be anything, anyone. I do hope who ever you go on to be, that you get a chance to be healthy and live a life with no pain and no worries about tumors or scans, or blood draws. It's only fair that you get that chance. You've paid your dues, you experienced more in your short life than a grown adult would ever imagine. I'm so proud of you for that. I'm so proud of everything you ever did. I think about the few times I got you to actually pee on the potty. Of course we bribed you with a new Spider-Man bike if you went, even once. Lol. So you went pee and the moment that pee hit the little potty chair, you were done and you pulled out the cup part that the pee sits in, you ran down the hall to the bedroom to show daddy your pee. Alot of it spilt on the carpet and wood floor as you ran all the way to show daddy, but that wasn't the point. You were so excited, I was so excited, daddy was so excited. Our baby boy peed on the potty! Daddy took you to pick out your bike and you boys came home with a new big boy spiderman bike!! You loved it, even though you could barely reach the pedals.

I love recalling all our memories we've shared with you. Sometimes the littlest of memories are easily forgotten. I don't ever want to forget a minute that I spend with you. Ever. It's all I had left, memories.

Sometimes it's easy to get off track, it's easy to just want to be sad, and have pitty for yourself. Woah is me, my baby is dead, in a coffin practically 20 feet underground beneath the snowy cold hard ground. I think about you being down under the ground and I get really upset. It really wasn't what I wanted for you. (Well obviously death in general wasnt what I wanted for you) I wanted to cremate you. I wanted to keep your ashes, I wanted to have them in a really awesome urn, maybe reggae stripped. Mainly I wanted to burn that cancer out of you, I didn't want you buried deep in the ground with that killer of a beast in your body. It send shivers up my skin thinking about it. It's not what I wanted, none of it. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices and you don't always get what you want. Ive learned that Throughout this unforgiving life. I wish I could at least visit you, your so far away. I wish I could just get off work and drive up to the cemetery and see you, or talk to you through a cool crazy special urn that you would be in on the fireplace mantle. Daddy and Colty were at least able to visit you a couple weeks ago. I hope you were giggling and teasing daddy and brother the whole time they were there. I know you were.

I ordered picture prints of a ton of my favorite pictures of you. I blew up our family photos we did in June and framed them last night. I was literally a wreck hanging pictures and cooking dinner last night. Each time mike would come in I'd be bawling hanging up another picture. It's probably not a good thing that this house is so big! It means more wall space for pictures of your cute face! People will probably think I've literally gone nuts, bonkers, off the wall with all the picture I've hung up. I don't care, I miss you and it makes me feel good. Except that I just stare at the perfect essence of your being and my heart just melts into a million pieces and I want to crumble to the floor. I wish I could just hold you and kiss that spot behind your ear where I would kiss and you would giggle and laugh because if tickled so much. It's like that song by meatloaf, "I would do anything for love"except, I would do that thing that they wouldn't do because I miss you so much I would literally do anything. If that makes any sense. Well it makes sense to me.

Everything makes sense except the fact that your gone. Im still so very sorry and sick to my stomach that this has happened to you, to us. Nothing will ever be ok again. This life without you is wrong, so now I just have to go on, without you, it literally feels like my heart is on the outside of my chest and everyone is using it as a punching bag. I was actually told the other day by a crazed maniac of a Cashy fan ( ugh, there's always some crazies out there) that I had growing to do as a person. Pshhh. Well everyone can grow as a person yes, but to be told your ungrateful and you have growing to do, well that just pissed me off. I'd like to see how much growing you'd do if you fought for almost three years to keep your baby alive, if you've seen everything from code blues to blood gurgling out of your babies mouth as he get suctioned out while on a ventilator that keeps breathing for him, or while you hold your son shaking, while his skins a crispy burned color and peeling so bad from the chemo that his butt is so raw you can't even wipe the excessive diarrhea with babies wipes because they burn the already burned skin even more, or while you mastered catching vomit in the pink puke bucket as soon as he made a certain face you knew chunks were flying, or how you held your son 6 weeks straight every morning while they sedated him with heavy narcotics so they could radiate his 20 pound little frame from head to toe. Why don't you do some of that, then tell me I have some growing to do. I'm not saying I'm this saint of a person, I've made mistakes, I've made poor decisions, but I've also learned from those bad decisions and mistakes, I HAVE grown as a person, I've grown into a mother to my hero, a momcologist, a freedom fighter, a rebel, a woman who is strong enough to hold her baby and keep it together while he is taking some of his last breaths for fear of scaring him in his last moments, I've grown into all those things and I admit I do have growing to do yes, because my time on earth isn't over and as long as I'm alive I'm Growing and I wouldn't want it any other way. If your living and not growing as a person well something is wrong. So to that awful lady who made me waste my time and tears arguing with her, yes I do have growing to do, and if I'm not growing well I'm not living!

So on to a more positive note: Juicing; so alot of people have been asking me about juicing and how and what it involves. I know the thought of juicing --Cashy, makes your head spin and you usually would automatically freak out about it, most of the time you'd be semi ok with it as long as we pretended to take it back out. You would say "take it back" so we would pretend to suck it back out of your gtube after it went right in. Lol we sure fooled you sometimes!! Haha. So juicing is an amazing way to get alot of vital nutrients to your body with out all the pulp and the vegetable or fruit itself. When you drink a fresh juice it hits your blood stream instantly faster than a shot of hard alcohol. It gives you energy, it fills you up and is such a healthy way to get your more than your recommended servings of fruits and veggies. Your dad and I absolutely love juicing. When we skip a day on accident, if we're to busy or run out of time, we just don't feel right, we feel run down, kinda cranky and drained. We try to do a daily juice around breakfast time. I will usually just drink the juice after my workout and call it good, mike usually eats something (he's so skinny he needs to! ). It fills me up for hours. We use carrots and apples as our main staple, then I add whatever I can find in the fridge, kale, beets, spinach, usually a pear as well, and parsley even. I chug it down because its a mental thing for me. Sometimes they're not the tastiest with all the green leafy veggies so I chug it down. Mike savors the flavor. Lol. So with exercising and juicing we feel better than ever! Everyone should get an omega juicer and start juicing their way to best! Lol.... I totally sound like a commercial. Hahaha.

Well I must say goodnight. Daddy's sleeping on our new mattress (after nearly 12 years on our old one) that came in today ( while I'm at work, so jealous) so please give daddy a dream Cashy! I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever to infinity and beyond! I hope your safe and warm buddy. Miss you more than you would ever know.

Cancer, I hope you get cancer and die!

Cashy, Cashy, Cashy. Oh, how you are changing the world, even if it's just through one person at a time. I don't think a single person who sees your sweet smiling face or hears your contagious laugh could ever continue on without hearing your story of how brave, strong and how long and hard you fought. You fought harder in your 4 years of life than anyone I've ever known, and probably ever will.

More and more people are discovering your amazing story everyday and hopefully people are sharing and spreading it as well, like a wildfire rolling in the wind, snatching everything in its path, spreading Cashy’s childhood cancer awareness. That's what we need, awareness for this awful, murderous disease that is taking over our babies and loved ones.

Sometime I get so angry thinking about how little knowledge people know of childhood cancers. Why? This is one of the leading killers of our children. Cancer. Before you were diagnosed I never even knew about childhood cancer, sure I knew it existed, but I didn't care to learn more about it. Maybe I was in denial that I would never be faced with something so deadly and destructive, let alone my perfect little baby boy like you.

How can something so common in today's world have no reliable treatment plan. And I’m saying reliable, like life saving. Chemo and radiation are not a cure. It's like us parents are just throwing our children in torture chambers and letting the doctors and nurses have their way with them. Let’s pump these sick kids full of adult chemotherapy drugs in pediatric doses, and radiate their whole bodies until their vomiting, till their hair falls out, till their immune system can no longer take it. Skin peeling from every part of their body from the toxic chemo that requires a bath every 8 hours to wash the chemo from their skin after it soaks through their pores causing severe burns. Then they either get an infection from the low white counts, or they finish the round and then recuperate to do it all over again. And this is the best we have for our babies? It's unacceptable. Our country has failed us. FAILED.

I feel like if we could do this all over again, I would have chosen to do it the RIGHT way. You would have been put on the cannabis oil right away, high doses. You would probably still be here today and I know this to be true. A little 8 month old baby just beat a massive brain tumor solely with cannabis oil twice a day on his binkie. His cancer is gone! It's amazing. I know if we wouldn't have done the high dose chemo, and denied the radiation, you would likely still be here. But we didn't know all that we know now. Mike did, he knew it was all a bad idea. But when you are faced with your little baby having a 4.5cm brain tumor, you panic and it's almost like you do what you’re told. Like the Jews who were put to death by the Nazi’s. They did what they were told and it was their demise. We listened to the doctors, although we didn't trust very many of them (geez, some of them you wonder how they even passed the medical board exam), we listened and put you through the recommended gauntlet they called pediatric cancer treatment for a stage 4 PNET brain tumor. Surgery, 6 rounds of high dose chemo with three stem cell transplants. Not to mention septic shock, bleeding lungs and life support as possible side effects from those horrific treatments.
I'm so sorry we put you through that crap Cashy. I'm so so sorry. I hope you know we tried so hard to keep you alive.
I’ll never forget those two months after your brain surgery when you were blind and so scared and dependent on both our daddy and I. The grueling brain surgery where we waited for you for 4 hours, we waited to hear anything at all promising from your world renowned brain surgeon. He came back half way through surgery, he was cold, had a stone cold face as he took us back into a tiny room to talk to us. All he could tell us was your tumor was in the blue cell tumor group and he was only able to remove 10% of your tumor. All that for only ten percent? 10 percent that grew back plus in the weeks later to 4.8cm.

We were called back after you were transferred to ICU and were stable. I remember walking through the maze of the PICU seeing all these sick frail babies on open beds and cribs, all with something awful lurking around in their bodies as well. We found you and you were sleeping soundly, you were all bloody and your hair had been shaved slightly where your incision was. You looked so tiny and helpless and all I could think about was why did this happen to you, to us? It was so unfair. Or poor baby laid helpless on this hospital bed with IVs and arterial lines running into his tiny veins. They kept drawing your sodium level because after surgery your sodium kept getting out of wack and they had to monitor it closely. This is what started your new love and craving for water, and all the water you could get. They wouldn't let you drink water because it would dilute your sodium level even more. But you were so thirsty that you were crying and whining, you would point to your mouth in agony for more water. They let us give you tastes of water on a mouth sponge. You hated this, until you figured out that if we soaked the sponge enough with water you could suck that thing dry then ask for more. They quickly caught on to that and wouldn't let us do that very much either. From then on your sodium levels were never the same. Your pituitary gland had been removed in surgery and we weren't aware of this until after chemo was completely done and your were struggling for your life on life support. Your endocrine labs were out of wack and you now required synthroid and hydrocortisone to live. You had to have that every day for the rest of your short, yet amazing life.

You pulled through brain surgery like a champ. You were out of the ICU in less than 18 hours and back up to the neuro floor.

We knew right away that you couldn't see. You were so scared and insisted Mike or I constantly be by your side on the bed. Sometimes I would try to get up and sneak to the bathroom and you would notice and you would slap your arm on the pillow indicating you wanted me back there right that instant. It was hard for us to even get a tiny bit of a break. Not that I even wanted a break, I wanted to always be by your side. I wanted you to know that we would always be there no matter what.

One thing I am very proud of is we never once left you alone in your hospital room. Mike or I were always there with you. We saw many kids alone in their rooms after hours, as parents had to go home to be with their other children. We always made sure one of us was with you at all times.

Your obsession with drinking water was your body’s way of regulating your sodium levels on its own. You would wake up almost every hour for water, you would put down 12 oz in 10 seconds. It was crazy. All that water had to go somewhere, so of course we were changing your diaper every hour as well. Often we'd wake up totally soaked in pee. Man it was an exhausting process, but I'd do it for the rest of my life if it meant you were still here with us.

Your thirst for water was an ongoing battle but sometimes it was worse than others. Eventually it leveled out, but even the night before you died you were up asking for water in the middle of the night. We always kept a big glass of water on the night stand so we wouldn't have to get up and fill it up, but sometimes we had to. Sometimes you would be picky on what water glass we would give you to drink out of. Sometimes it was a guessing game on what you really wanted. Those last few weeks with you, you had such a temper on you! You would delegate who could do what. I'd get you a glass of water, but I would have to hand it to daddy to hand it to you or vice versa. You were like that with everything (which I blame the tumor for your irrational behavior), diaper changes, sometimes you'd insist daddy change you, then sometimes it was me, then a few times baby sis was delegated to the task, even the dog Irey changed your diaper once. That was tricky!! Haha.

We were so scared you were going to be blind forever. Until one day after your second round of chemo, we were at grandma’s house and I was making funny faces and waving my hands at you. I stuck my tongue out at you and you copied me!!! I was like hmmm, maybe he can see shadows. Well shortly after that you were able to walk again with help and we had got the news your tumor had shrunk down to nothing but a few cells at the base of your skull. We were so thrilled. I remember getting the news and running down to the camper where Mike was sleeping because he was up all night with you (We took turns every day, we would stay from 8am-8am the next morning with visits throughout the day and then we'd switch out for the next shift, we were quite the team daddy and I) and I woke him up and told him your tumor was GONE! It was a miracle and I was soooooo happy. You were getting your sight back and things were looking up. You were starting to feel better as well. Then it was like all of a sudden you could see again. After that third round of chemo you were up and playing and running around again, despite the vomiting and diarrhea. You were such a rock star, or I should say you ARE a rock star buddy.

There are so many children out there suffering from the horrible side effects of these chemos and the radiation they are getting, this is unnecessary suffering, if anyone googled the benefits of cannabis you'd have to be a friggin idiot to not know that it's the most natural, safest and most therapeutic plant known to man. Anyone battling cancer should use cannabis first as a treatment. What's to lose? Try the oil for a 30-60 day trial and see how it goes...what if you didn't need to do chemo, what if you didn't need to lose your hair or have open brain surgery? What if you didn't need to get your brain radiated or your boobies chopped off? What if????? There's no what IF about it. Cannabis is curing cancer and treating hundreds of debilitating diseases right in front of our eyes and people are too scared to even know the truth. I try to let people know about this miracle plant and that possibly it's the cure to cancer (according to the Medium and Cashy, it is). I send messages to parents fighting cancer with their babies. Nobody listens. Nobody listens until it's too late and they want the cannabis after they've done all the horrible treatments, well expecting the oil to work after their body has been through the gauntlet, well it's highly unlikely. That's where I went wrong with you Cashy. I'm so sorry I didn't trust daddy's instincts and refuse the radiation. I know better now. It was the death of you. I'm so sorry. Daddy and I cried in bed the other night talking about this. You just can't radiate a baby’s brain and expect it to fix it. No, it comes with life long side effects if you can even get them to live past a few months of the radiation. It's sickening what these doctors call treatment. No one will even know what I'm talking about until you've sat with your baby and sedated them with Propophol (yes that’s what Michael Jackson OD' on) every day for 30 days, until they've held their baby in their arms and they pass out like a limp rag doll, then your hurried out of the room so they can intubate him and screw that awful radiation mask down to the table with your lifeless body under it. The hurt in your heart when you walk out of this giant chamber full of special walls that soak up radiation, without your baby. Then you have to wait for an hour while they pump radiation, you follow them up to recovery where you wait till you wake up. It was the most awful feeling every time. I hated leaving you on that table alone, and cold. You always came back frozen from being in that cold room all exposed. My poor sweet baby.

Radiation was short, only lasting 6 weeks but it was by far the worst thing you had to go through. I'm so sorry for that. You were such a trooper, sometimes you would even play on the jungle gym at the Ronald McDonald house afterwards. I always admired your amazing strength.

Oh how I miss you so much. So much has happened in the last few weeks. We found new homes for both our dogs Irey and Muffy. They weren't getting the attention they needed and sure as heck would never listen to us one bit!! Irey would jump the fence immediately when we let her out. She is like a dang gazelle. She'd be gone all day, till she felt it was time to come back or she was hungry. So she went to a farm out of town with an old couple who has the time for her. Muffy went to our friend Dan’s parents in Bozeman. It's been really lonely without the dogs, so quiet. You always cracked me up when Irey would come and jump on the bed to sit by you. You would yell "IWEY, No, get down!" It was so cute. You would yell at Muffy too when she would come sit by you on the couch. Haha.

I was so sad initially thinking about moving out of our house we have so many memories with you in it. But now that we have moved, the big move was this weekend as I know you were with us. The new house is awesome! We're so excited about it. It's spacious and has charm. Although the kitchen is outdated and the kitchen is MY domain, I am trying to make it cute. You can tell it hasn't been updated since 1970. Lol. Talk about some pee green tile on the wall as border. Eww!!! Oh well, though I don't mind it one bit. I’m just happy to have so much room now!!! The backyard is basically the woods, there’s a huge ravine, and a creek with lots of trees. Deer everywhere! Colty is in little boy heaven! Yesterday morning he ran out chasing a deer and fell into the creek before school (it's shallow up to ankles), he required an outfit change. Goofy kid. Colten and Sissy each have their own big room and YOU even have your own room!!! I was so excited about this. You never had our own room at the other house. So this is YOUR room!! I'm gonna hang our Spider-Man poster and some other things. I had an awful dream that you were wandering around the house looking for us and you were so sad. I woke up bummed.

Sometimes we swear Catherine Joy is you in disguise! What 10 month old baby loves to play with matchbox cars??? Umm not many!!! I constantly find sissy playing with your cars at the old house, well two days ago I couldn't find her for a sec and I found her in your room playing with your cars, lol. Then yesterday, I found her playing with two of your band aids, I had no idea where she even found them, as we've moved and everything is in disarray. There are just so many similarities with you and Sissy. I love that. It's almost like we get a do over with her. Cashy keep her healthy and protect her, as I'm sure you are.

While in the midst of packing and sorting through Cashy and Cat’s things last week, one of Mike’s friends little girl was over and she is a few months younger than Cashy. She goes, "too bad the baby doesn't have her own room," I go "well she does now," and Autumn goes "well, where is your other baby going sleep?" I told her that Cashy died (assuming she wouldn't know what passed away meant), she gets all concerned and goes "your baby died?" She was so bummed about it, and a little bit later she comes up to me, "I miss Cashy so much." I was like "I do too honey." She was just so cute, and it always blows my mind when I see kids your age Cashy. They seem so big and grown up and they all talk so well. It hurts my heart to think that, that's how you should be. Running around, talking in sentences, playing in the dirt with guns and worms. Being a little boy. You were robbed of that life buddy. You were robbed of a normal little boy life. I prayed every night for that for you. I'm glad we had a few good months in between. When little Autumn was born she was born with a small deformity on both her hands and feet. I remember thinking when she was born that it was the most awful thing that could happen, and I'm a nurse so obviously I've seen worse. I remember thinking, “thank god that didn't happen to my sweet Cashy” who was born three months earlier. God, now I’d trade deformed legs, arms, hands, feet, cleft palette any of those for cancer. They're all cosmetic. Then 4 months later my good friend Megan's baby girl was born with two holes in her heart and would require surgery before she was 1. This was devastating as well, again I was so thankful it wasn't my baby, but I hurt for my friend who was so scared for her baby. But now, Baylee is a healthy happy little 4 year old girl, who just chopped her hair off with scissors! Lol.

While packing i found your missing crocs with fur inside of them. Tucked in them were some dirty socks. I smelled them and was able to smell your stinky feet. You always got a huge kick out of us smelling your toes and saying,"peew!!!" I cried so hard when I found all your shoes, most of them are single now as they dont have a match. Breaks my heart.

Well, we’re finally settled in our house, daddy has a foundation office as well and we’re planning a Reggae Jam concert with Pato Banton again for the foundation at the Top Hat on April 11th! We're so excited about this!!! I hope everyone can come out and show their support! It'll be free to the public!

My good friend Jacque came to town the other weekend as we had planned to do a ski day at Snowbowl. So we ski'd Saturday and tore it up on the east bowls and had a blast! Jacques a damn good skier!! We could all use a lesson from her. I told her she was like an angel on the snow! lol . Unfortunately, one of our near and dear friends Nikki Lynn from high school passed away and we attended her funeral the next day. It was such an amazing turn out and it was a great celebration of Nikki's life. RIP Nikki, watch over my Cashy for me. I know you are! Nikki, I hope you know how many people love and care for you and your giant heart. No more funeral for me please!!!!!

Daddy went to LA that weekend and set up a foundation booth at the High Times Cannabis Cup. Cashy you still are a well known celebrity in the cannabis community! Daddy is so passionate about this movement and I really admire his dedication and perseverance. I love you babe! He had a real good time and got to spread your story to more people!

I always try and make it a point to tell someone new your story. Even at the YMCA when I go and workout I usually give out a bracelet or two, just spreading Cashy’s Cancer Awareness! It's the least I can do. I want everyone in the world to know what a fight you put on for the world to see and even though you’re gone, you've touched so many lives in your short time on this earth.

I had a great dream of you yesterday while I was taking a nap before work. We were at some kind of water park and I was in the pool trying to get you to jump in, you jumped in and grabbed on to me and we were floating around and we had our arms wrapped around each other and I kept telling you, “I love you and miss you so much.” It was so great. It was like we were reuniting for a quick swim! Loved it. Keep them coming buddy!!

Well I must end this post sometime, so with that, I’ll say that I love you to the moon and back to infinity and beyond and miss you so much. Give daddy a dream of you please, he's yet to have one and he's broken about it.

Owls, mediums, Cashy's and billboards....

Well, we are coming up on three months since your passing Cashy. It's not getting any easier, just more tolerable. Everyone tells me, "ohh it gets easier as the time passes." I call bullshit on that. Sometimes I feel like saying, really? Did your kid fight a cancer battle of a lifetime for two and a half years, did they get poked, prodded, radiated and poked again? And ALL for what? So we could keep you here with us?

I am grateful for the time we did get with you. But I think as the days go by, the pain gets worse, but it's tolerable pain. Like a normal, tolerable pain. As tolerable, I mean, I can drive to the store to get groceries without crying 60% of the time. You were my shopping buddy, my partner in crime, my buddy who sat behind me doing the fist pump to the song “pumped up kicks,” or you would be in the back squealing as we went over the big bumps down the hill on Garrett Street. You loved that. I remember one of the last times we went over those big dips you didn't really enjoy it, I looked back as we went over it and you had this look like you were holding on for dear life with a sort of ‘nauseated’ look on your face, that was one of our last trips to Walmart. God I miss having you, my shopping buddy, with me when I'm at Walmart. I hardly ever go there now. I just can’t bare it without you. Those last few months with you, you were so funny how adamant you were about going to Walmart to get either, playdough, markers or stickers. We had to drop everything we were doing to go to Walmart, right then. Sometimes we went twice a day. Daddy enjoyed taking you to Walmart too. I can't even type this without bawling right now. I wish I could take you one more time, just one more ride in the car, one more ride in the shopping cart, one more big kiss on your soft lips. I miss you so much, I want to snuggle your little body and squeeze your little bootie. I miss every little thing about you, I feel like I'm stuck in this giant awful world forever without you. It hurts so bad.

I had to take a break from writing this to dry my eyes and collect my thoughts. It's funny how most the time I’ll be completely fine, I’ll be able to talk about you to people, especially when I'm at work, I often find myself talking about you after I get the dreaded question, "how many kids do you have?" I always say three, and sometimes I’ll go into detail about you, mostly after feeling out my patient and deciding if I want to even go there with them. Most of the time all my patients have heard of you. You’re a local celebrity around Missoula! Sometimes they haven't heard of you so I tell them all about you and how brave and strong you were.

We've had a few busy past couple of weeks. That's what I like, to keep busy. Because when I slow down and breath, or look at your adorable pictures I get nauseated, I get dizzy and I realize holy shit, you’re really gone aren't you… I do better when I'm busy, when I have tasks, lists, and projects to finish. Our latest project is packing up stuff around the house little by little. During this two and a half year struggle with you, we also struggled with bills and money. In June, daddy and I made the decision to quit making the mortgage payment so we could focus on caring for you and getting the medicine we needed to try to save your life, and most importantly keep you comfortable. It sure costs ALOT to keep a steady flow of oil around, even for a 21 lb little squirt like you! So the house is going up for auction and foreclosure March 25th, which is getting close. So we need to wrap up our decision on what and where we are going to go. The old me would have been freaking out and having a nervous breakdown about this, but the new me, ahhh I'm not scared! Bring it on world!

I applied for a nursing license in the state of California, will this be our next adventure in life!?? I don't know. The thought of moving out of Missoula scares the crap out of me. I was born and raised in Missoula and the only time I've not been in Missoula was when we were fighting cancer with you. I have learned to adjust that's for sure. But moving away!! That's just scary! But I know you will guide us the whole way, so I'm not scared one bit!

So Wednesday night the 23rd of January we headed back up to Corinne and John’s cabin in Darby, Montana. We had Mike’s buddies Dan and Troy and Colten John with us and we went skiing the next day at Lost Trail Mountain. On our way there it was dark but as we were driving to get to their dirt road, along beside us a giant bird was soaring right beside the car, we were like, “holy cow what is that!!??” Well, it sat up on the fence post and just disappeared, and then as we're taking our turn and going straight all of a sudden there is that bird again, it was a giant white and grey owl!!! So beautiful and pure, it literally looked us in the eye again and then flew away. Crazy thing is your daddy had a dream you were an owl!!! Just another confirmation you’re with us in spirit.

The next day was such a nice ski day!!! Sun was shining and we all tore it up! until daddy and his clumsiness fell while trying to stop and look for Colten, who was behind us all. He fell and hurt his shoulder pretty bad. He had to ski down to the lift then up to the next lift, where he then had to go up two different rope tows with using only one arm, momma felt bad for him.

Well, that next day we flew as a family to Scottsdale, Arizona where my best friend Janess and her hubby Jamison (our website guy) and their lovely little terrorizer of a daughter Slade live!

Janess works for Infiniti of Scottsdale car dealership and they sponsored 10 Reggae Runners to donate to their local Children's Hospital. So we got to build them in their big showroom, there was over 20 adults and kids there to help. It was amazing and so much fun. Then we took them to Phoenix Children's Hospital and got to deliver the runners to the oncology floor. It was so much fun, immediately there were two boys (that were obviously too big for the cars) that kept trying to squeeze themselves in them. It was fun to watch! Lol.

This hospital was amazing, lights that changed colors all over the floors, giant chandeliers hanging. It was beautiful! You would have loved this place, for a hospital it was dang cool!

Thank you Infiniti of Scottsdale and all your employees who took the time out of their day to come and help out by putting the cars together, mounting the IV poles and then stickering them up. We couldn't thank you all enough for helping spread Cashy story! We're changing the world, one Reggae Runner at a time!

Janess and I got our toes done the next day and we all went to Dave and Busters and played some games. Colten was in heaven! Sladey was too, lol! We went home bright and early that Monday morning. I hate having to say goodbye to friends and loved ones. :( Love you guys!

We got home and organized ourselves for the week to come. I had to work that night we got back. But it wasn't so bad.

Last Friday we got the pleasure to meet with a medium and a clairvoyant healer. This was such an amazing experience I won't even be able to explain everything, but it was such an exhilarating experience. Basically, you are around us all the time (Which we already knew that).

She told us you weren't in any pain, you thanked us for using the oil to control your pain, and that we did a good job with that. She told us that you come to us in colors and in smoke (like incense or sage, we often burn both throughout the day). She told us that you sit on the end of our bed in a turned manner, she said you said that your older and more mature now and you don't need to lay in bed with us, you want to give us privacy now. Lol. That made us laugh, as you can imagine having a 4 year old in your bed, you get clever in ways to have "adult" time. Lol. You told us that you come to Colty often and talk to him, you told us he's ok and he's going to be fine. That makes me happy. You told us to go "south" which confirmed that maybe we do need to move to California. You also told us that you are so thankful for the foundation and that we will be helping thousands of children by what we’re doing. That makes us feel so good. You also told us that cannabis IS the cure to cancer, but it will have to remain an underground thing as the government doesn't want a cure for cancer. That's the whole goal with the foundation, to spread pediatric cancer awareness and to tell the world your story. I hope we can make you proud buddy. I could have sat and talked with the medium about you all day long, 45 minutes went by way too fast.

I'm just very thankful to have been able to do that. It was life changing and confirmed everything we had already known, that you’re forever with us in our hearts and our souls. I love and miss you so much buddy.

So after the medium we packed up and went back up to Darby that evening with the kids and Colten's friend Sierra. We stayed Friday till Monday afternoon. It was so relaxing; we blessed the full size teepee with some sage and had a nice fire in it. We watched movies, we lounged and wore sweats all weekend.

Sunday we got ready and drove up to Lost Trail Hot Springs where we soaked in the hot pool for a bit. So I'm sitting in the hot tub and I hear a mom yell, “Cash come here!” I turned and said, “Mike, that little boy’s name is Cash,” he looked about 4 years old. I thought that was really neat. Well, not even 10 minute later another family walked in with a little boy about 4 years old wearing Cars swim trunks, your favorite! I now hear the other mom say "Cash" then the first mom goes, “oh wow, there are two Cashys here today!” Now I'm like WHAT??!! In your 4 years of life, I never ever ran into another little boy named Cash, now there are two and can you believe Johnny Cash is playing on the radio??!! We were baffled and I actually got all teary eyed. It was like you were saying, “Yeah, I'm here and I can swim and play like a normal little boy again.” So were sitting with the family of the second Cash and turns out he had an older brother named Colten!!! How Effin ironic is that!! I was blown away and again Cashy you have out done yourself.

So I carry you with me in my heart Cashy, forever and always. It's crazy to think how far we've come in life. Where we are now and where we used to be. Somedays, I'd give anything to be sitting up in that hospital room with you fighting cancer, because it would mean you’re alive, fighting. But then I remember how unfair and selfish that is, how could I be so selfish that I'd want you to be in the hospital with IV’s and chemo dripping? I'm not gonna lie, I've pondered it a lot. I've also thought about how you left us, I've thought about how it looks like we just let you die. Like we just gave up and quit treating you. I hope you don't think that's what we did. I hope you know we fought so hard for you, we tried everything from the inhumane cancer treatments to the natural approach. That cancer was just too powerful. That evil evil cancer. Sometimes you just have to say it, “Fuck you cancer.”

We have met so many inspiring people since we have taken this journey with you Cashy. I know it's your plan. Out of all the cliché sayings in life, the one that now holds the most meaning to me is, “to live everyday to the fullest, because as I have now learned, life can be over in the blink of an eye.”

It shouldn’t be this way, but it is. As much as I hate to say this, life is suffering. As much as I am angry at what has happened to us, the fact of the matter is, it has happened and no amount of anger, sadness and bitterness is going to bring you back. Our outcome, our life of losing you, will never change. I have no control of that but I do have a little control over the way I choose to live my life now. I don’t want to be “the mom,” who lost you and who let it destroy everything. I don’t want to be looked at as “the mom,” who can’t survive this. I want to be looked at as the mirror image of you, someone who possessed such strength and love. Who took on the world with such fire and passion and who never gave up.

I’m not done with this world, as I have too much to fight for. I feel like I was put here on this earth to be more than what I am. I feel like you will help me achieve this, as there is now a fire that burns inside of me even as I sleep. I’m not completely ready to face the world, but I feel a little more ready than I felt a couple of weeks ago. Bring it on world, what could possibly happen that could be worse than losing you. My precious boy that I carried in my womb, that I loved and cared for like nobody else could.
I try to keep my sanity by working out 4 days a week or so... Spinning class is still my favorite. We listen to the latest hits and take commands from the instructor. Lol. As my friend Brooke would say negatively, "who wants to listen to someone's playlist and get yelled at for an hour?" Lol, I love it, I really do think it keeps me mentally stable. Haha.

That night after the visit with the medium, I had my first vivid dream of you. It was short but wonderful. I was chasing you on the beach, we were running along the shore and you were laughing and running, you had your black North Face sweater on, and your jeans rolled up to your knees. I was running after you in the water, and that was it. Short but sweet. Then the amazing thing was, I woke up and checked my Facebook account and I had a message from a friend from work Olivia. She is the one who did your hand molds after you passed (I still don't know how you were able to do that Olivia, but I praise you for that, thank you thank you, you don't even know how special it is to us. It's the most special thing to have. It's like holding his hand in real life). So her message was that she had a dream of Cash and I and we were running on the beach together. How crazy is that???!!! Well, probably not crazy at all to you. So thank you for that Cashy. I love you buddy.

So we were contacted by a group out of Michigan called Michigan Compassion. They raised enough money to put your picture and our foundation logo on a billboard on their super busy highway in Detroit!! We're so excited about this! It's so awesome!!! Now what other cancer patient has their own billboard sign!? None that I know of!!! You rock Cashy! Thank you Michigan Compassion and all the sponsors that helped donate! So kind and heartfelt of you all.

With that, I must end this post. So much has happened and so much will continue to happen by you all continuously spreading Cashy's story! He's a true saint that boy.

Love you Cashy, sweet dreams wherever you are, I hope you’re safe and warm. I love you to the moon and back and infinity and beyond buddy. One love. :)

There's a giant hole in my heart where you belong Cashy.

Well Cashy it's been a little over two months since you left us and gone to heaven. We miss you more than words can even describe. I still think of that night like it was yesterday. I think about How you looked so peaceful after you passed, how all your pain and suffering went away instantly when your little old soul left your physical body. Your face and lips were so cold, your body so lifeless and stiff. Your sores on your face almost instantly healed. You looked beautiful yet so frighteningly empty. Like your body was just a shell and your soul burst into a million pieces when you left us. That's how daddy described it, you went into his heart, it started beating so fast and he said it was like your energy burst into a million pieces and went into everyone. We all have a piece of you with us in our hearts forever.

We've had a few interesting weeks lately. Daddy and I attempted to learn to snowboard, even Colten tried once! We went out twice, (daddy three times) and tried our hardest to learn the trade, but we decided that its not for us and we will always be skiers at heart! Being on a ski hill and not being able to soar down the mountain as fast as you'd like, well it's frustrating, and my ass and my knees hurt for a good two weeks!! I know you were with us watching and laughing at us as we kept biffing it down the bunny hill! Haha. Just as I was thinking about how you'd love watching us and brother, a little boy on skis about 3 years old zooms by us with a Paul frank monkey helmet on. I knew that was a sign you were there with us. Whenever I see those monkeys I just know you are there to make sure I'd see it and know your with me. Well it's what id like to believe.

Living without you just doesn't feel right. Our family is a family of 5, not 4. When it's just us four, everything is so uncomplicated and easy. Your brother is basically a grown man, he's so self sufficient, he wakes up with his alarm clock every morning for school and gets up and takes a shower, dad or I get up and make him breakfast and send him on his merry way. He's such a strong, smart big boy and he misses you so much. He hurts, we all hurt, but he really misses his little brother. There's such a huge age gap now between your brother and baby sissy. We now have an 8 year old and a 9 month old. Your supposed to be my middle child, my little boy, my big 4 year old. We have such a void in our lives now without you. My heart aches and longs to hold you, to kiss your lips, your fingers and that little spot on your neck behind your ear where I would always kiss you till you giggled. I miss that so much.

I miss taking care of you. You were such a big part of our lives, everything revolved around cashys care. Sometimes I find myself creeping down the hall way to grab sissy out of her crib or to let her down, I creep quietly so I won't wake you up. Isn't that just crazy. I catch myself and then quickly become burdened with grief that I could have possibly forgot that your gone and it doesn't matter how loud or quiet I am because your not going to wake up. I wish I would just wake up, wake up from this nightmare I'm living. This nightmare we have to call life without you. It's no life, no parent should ever have to live life without their 4 year old.

At work tonight one of my co workers that had lost a baby while she was 30 weeks pregnant several years ago asked me if I'm grateful for the time I had with you, or if I thought it would of been easier to lose you in the womb than to have never spent a single day with you. I told her, you bet I'm grateful for every second I spend with you my sweet boy. You changed our lives for the better in so many ways. You don't even know. It was like you were almost sent here on earth to show us the way to live right and to appreciate every little thing.

When you were diagnosed with cancer , life was so uncomplicated and straight forward. I fell into this hole of thinking material items would make me happy, the need for the nice big house, the new cars, and everything that really doesn't matter in life. Nothing matters more than good Heath and happiness. Those material things don't make you happy, ya for the moment they can, but when you look at the big picture, your not happy, your just existing. Your dad and I had a rough patch those few months before you were diagnosed with cancer. One night we got into it about possibly not making the mortgage payment and I was up In arms about it. He said to me ( and ill never forget this) well nothing really matters besides our family, we could move into our camp trailer and live there as long as were all healthy and happy nothing else matters right? I didn't agree, I said there is no way I would live in our camp trailer. That's how far gone I was into the need for material items. Ill never forget that because after Cashy was diagnosed with cancer my views on what was really important changed and I realized that, fuck, our cute house on the hill, our nice truck and blazer and four wheeler do not matter. They don't. You can always get a new house, you can always get a new car. We could live in a tent in the middle of the desert and as long as I have all my babies and my husband well we will be alright. I'm ashamed it took you getting cancer for me to realize how good I really had it, how nothing in the world is more important than your family. Nothing. I became complacent and that's no way to live. I'm sorry I wasted your first year and a half of life not cherishing every moment with you and your brother. I truly regret it, I regret not getting down on the floor to play cars and playdough with you more, I regret not taking you on that wagon ride or to the park more.

I didn't fully become aware of what I had done to myself and what I i needed to do to better myself until your cancer came back in October 2012. In July 2012 I was still struggling with my happiness and what I truly wanted for our lives and how we needed to change for the better. I was overweight, nearly 190lbs, I never had truly lost the baby weight from your brother and then after you it just kept stacking on. I wasn't happy with myself and I knew I needed to change something and fast. That's when I started working out and in August somehow by the grace of god I got pregnant with your baby sissy. ( thank you marina IUD for spontaneously combusting in my body somewhere). I was so shocked and angry that this happened. We took the right preventative measures. I was scared to death that maybe this baby was given to us to replace or prepare us for the loss of you. I didn't want another baby, you were my baby and nobody could take that place. The thought of three kids freaked me out, how could i possibly love another baby as much as I love you and your brother? But now I couldn't be more happy that we have sissy here with us. She is such a true blessing to our family. Pure joy. Catherine Joy Hyde, she keeps us sane in the hardest of days. We couldn't do it without her. I'm pretty sure I'd be in bed crying everyday all day if I wasn't for her and of course my spinning class at the Y.

Getting back into shape and eating healthy is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm addicted to working out now! Who'd of ever thought that!! I try to be active at least 4 days during the week and at least one day on the weekend. It's been great. Your daddy even joined me for spinning class twice this week! He loved it too! This week I cycled over 58 miles! It's a great feeling and I'm in the best shape I've been in since my soccer star days! Lol. Even though I've lost 45 lbs and I feel and look better than I have in years, I still have a bad self image when I look at myself but I'm getting better at being positive and loving myself and that's thanks to you cashy.

We've been getting better at doing more things outside of the house with out you. Still everything reminds us of you. I swear I saw you walking out of the grocery store with a lady the other day, a cute little boy with sweats and a hoodie and a beanie on with the hood pulled over his head. It looked so much like you hand in hand with his mom. I wanted to go and turn his head and grab his little hand to make sure it wasn't you, but my craziness tucked back inside and I got in the car without you and drove home.

We were watching tv the other night and a little boy reached up and kissed his mom on the lips and mike and I both looked at each other and just knew what each other were thinking. That it looked like you kissing that momma. I pretty sure I burst into tears. Can't remember.

Why is it that every song I hear reminds me of you? I've now convinced myself that whenever I'm listening to pandora or my iPod on shuffle, each song that comes on it was from you, a little sign of sort. Maybe I'm just crazy but like mike told me I can believe whatever I want Because believing is believing and no one can take that from you. No one. Your daddy's so smart sometimes!!

Well last weekend we went up to Corinne and John's cabin up in Darby, where you spend your last day and night alive. I was worried that I would be a complete wreck being up there without you, but it was peaceful and serene, and thanks to a couple glasses of wine, I was relaxed and had a great time visiting and telling stories about you and how amazing of a child you were/are. We even talked about daddy and I's crazy wedding! oh man is that a story for another tome! I knew you were with us in spirit though.

We got some great family photos with our new camera, but the only thing that was missing was you. How can a family photo ever be normal again without you? Ive decided our next family photos we get we will have a picture in a frame of you so we can hold it proudly and still have somewhat of a family photo even if your not here physically.

Because of you cashy we've met so many amazing people and now lifelong friends we would have never known if it wasn't for you and cancer. As sad as it is to lose a child, we've gained so much throughout this journey you've put us on and I'm thankful for everything we've endured to get us here. Ill rephrase that, I'm not thankful we've lost you one bit, but if thats what your journey was supposed to be, to come and make our family stronger, more wise, healthier, more open and most of all capable of loving everyone no matter their faults or flaws. If that makes any sense.

I still haven't had any vivid dreams of you alive and well. In all my dreams your dead and we all are aware. It's like we're constantly planning your funeral, and your their in the house just laying in your monkey Jammie's, dead. It's disturbing.
I had a terrible dream the other week, I had taken your sister to the doctor here in Missoula for a consult to get a central line placed in your chest (ugh!), for when she gets cancer down the road. Horrible. My mind is screwed up To even dream a dream like that. Thank god that was only a dream! I want nothing more than to know that your safe and happy. Please just let me know, just a little glance, a small one.... Please Cashy.

Daddy finished his tattoo of you on his arm with your giant angel wings and tombstone. It's beautiful and I love it so much! I know you would too!! I got my arm tattoo finished and my tattoo of you and the angel on my leg finished and touched up as well. They look so good!!!

Daddy and I went on a "couples escape" night at Quinn's hot springs on Wednesday night. We went skiing on Wednesday day, only after having both our new pairs of ski boots totally just kill our legs and feet. Why so ski boots have to be to most uncomfortable boot ever? If only you could wear snowboarding boots on your skis, it would be so much nicer! now that's an idea! Lol. So we ski'd then went to the hot springs and soaked for a hour and a half then got ready for dinner at the lodge. Dinner was amazing and we ate more food in one setting than we do in a whole week! Lol, not really but I felt so stuffed the thought of getting back into my swim suit again was awful, but we soaked again for another hour or so. Then we came back to our cabin and finished off our deserts we couldn't even touch earlier! We had such a great time! We laughed, we cried, we drank champagne, we ate, we swam, and well I will leave the rest at that! ;) it was a nice relaxing get away and it was great to rejuvenate ourselves. We got up in am and soaked again and then went back to cabin and got ready and had breakfast at the lodge as well. Fabulous 24 hours away!! Sissy and brother got to hang with grandma Vickie. Grandma Vickie misses you to cashy, I'm glad you gave her a dream. She needed that. She said you looked so healthy and well and it was like you weren't even sick. I wish I could be in that dreamland!

Well cashy I miss you so much my heart has a permanent hole in it where you left you'd everlasting light. The whole reminds me of what you became and what you are now. My hero.

Friday we leave for Arizona where we will stay with Janess and Jamison and your best bud Slade. Slade misses you even though she doesn't really know your gone. Janess called the other day telling me that Slade keeps insisting on watching your slideshow from your funeral over an over and over. She's said just hearing the music makes her cry. Ugh, I told he'd she was just torturing herself! That slideshow is a tear jerker! I can't even make it through the first song without bawling instantly. I refuse to watch it for now. To sad. So anyways, Friday we go to Arizona where we will build ten reggae runners donated by Infiniti of Scottsdale dealership where Janess works. We will assemble them on Saturday and at 4pm we will be taking the cars to Phoenix children's hospital to donate them. We are all so excited to be doing this, but a part of me is so sad that you won't be with us to test the runners and give your approval. Makes my heart hurt. That was your job. We will make sure sissy and Slade do a good job. I promise! I know you will be with us through it all.

Well I better get busy buddy. I hope you know how much your missed and I hope you're proud of us for trying so hard to keep your legacy alive! We love and miss you so much my sweet angel monkey boy. I love you To infinity and beyond. I hope your safe and warm. <3

Bringing on the new year without you Cashy, just isn't right.

Well Cashy it's been a long, amazing, rough, sorrowful, sad, hard, happy, invigorating year for us. So many things happened in 2012. Good, bad and ugly things happened. I'd like to only remember the good, but so much of this last year has been bad, unforgettable, and utterly hard.
Last year at this time we finished up watching Disney's Toy Story on Ice in Rancho Cucamonga,CA then had a horrible dinner at the Red Lobster. You didnt eat a thing. We were trying to by our time left while we were wrapping up the last two weeks of your 30 radiation treatments that only kept you cancer free for a few months. All that torture and pain for only three months. I wouldn't trade those three months for anything as you were blessed with a baby sister and being a big brother. You were such an amazing big brother. You loved your sissy so much, you were always kissing her and wanting to hold her. Last year I was so afraid you would never get to meet your baby sister. It hung in the back of my head like the sound of finger nails on a chalkboard. The idea of losing you was so scary and it was my biggest fear. Well I lost you, I couldn't keep you here, we tried so very hard. But it wasn't fair for you to endure so much pain just for our pleasure of keeping you here.

Everyone is so busy being normal, happy and living life. It's like everyone has already forgotten about you. But really what do I expect, the ball not to drop in new york city tonight? sure, I'd be happy with that. But life goes on for others, and ours is so empty, sad and at a halt. Quiet, our house is quiet. To quiet.

This year has brought us alot of joy along with all the sorrow. Our beautiful surprise baby girl Catherine Joy was brought into this world. She wasn't planned by any means as I had preventative measures in place, well we thought they were in place. It was so exciting not finding out the sec of this little bundle. Deep down I kinda knew it was a girl but I didn't get to excited about it, i didn't even buy one girl outfit until she was born. That damn psychic I went to in January 2011. She was dead on. She had told me we were going to have a baby girl (which blew me away and I passed if off as her not really being a legit psychic) she told me that you were going to die, again my biggest fear, yet i didn't believe her, and she also told me mike was going to be a prominent public speaker, which he is. Most likely will never go to a psychic again, but I'd love to go to a medium. One of my best friends lyndsey (whom her mother passed away from liver cancer when colten was a baby, man it seems so long ago) and I really want to go see Theresa Caputo. She's the Long Island medium on tv, she is awesome. Her waiting list is a year long though. Mainly I just want to know if your alright and at peace, and most important if your happy.
Grandma Vickie had a dream of you Sunday. She said you guys were at our house and you were just playing like normal and it was like you weren't really gone. She said you were so happy and you were wearing your favorite blue monkey Jammie's. this makes me happy but also sad. Sad that your not here and that the reality is your gone. I hate reality, I want to just bury myself in my bed and hide from this cruel place called reality. I try to remind myself that I need to be making the most of every second of this life I live, and that I'm "lucky" to be alive, but I'm not feeling so lucky without you.

We fought so hard for your life cashy, to save you, to give you that childhood that we always wanted you to have. I think we fought harder for you than anyone has fought for their own lives. If I could of I'd of taken that cancer out of you and put it in me. I'd of preferred it be me rather than you. Sometimes I wonder If people really fully understand what we went through to try and save you, all the vomit, the blood, the tears, the overflowing shit (seriously), the medicine, the IV's, tube feedings....and so much more, yet being so grateful to be doing it all, because it meant life. Not death. I wonder if anybody truly knows how close a mother and a child grow when going through something like this together. How a bond is formed, unlike any other that exists in the world. I wonder if anybody can even imagine going through something like this only to have the love of their life, taken away from this world.
How is it even medically possible that you just died, your little heart just quit beating. I can't even fully wrap my mind around how that happened, and I'm a nurse. Not being on morphine or any narcotics, how is it that the cancer just took over your body, that you just slipped away, that it just ended your life like that, it's unfathomable. I get nauseated thinking about it, you must of been so scared, my brave little man.
Trying to go to sleep without you is the worst, I hate that when I lay down and try to sleep all the thoughts that linger in my mind creep in and take over. I try to think about you and all of our happy times. But I mostly just cry and wish that I didn’t have to wake up in the morning without you. I wish I could stay asleep forever and just dream about you. But I have yet to even have a happy dream about you. I wish I knew if you were safe and happy.

We have alot of great memories from 2012, as hard of a year that it has been, we also had some very memorable trips and fun times with you Cashy. We went to San Francisco and donated reggae runners for your 4th birthday, we went floating numerous times with you and your pillow and blankie in tow, we did trips to fairmont hot springs, you even went to a few minutes of a matisyahu concert, Michael Franti did a shout out to you at his concert in Missoula, we went to the farmers market several times and you got yourself a Elmo balloon that you loved, you played at the park several times. Skye pearls birthday party. You got to go trick of treating after picking out your buzz light year costume (which was a little to small, but it worked), up until the night before you passed away we were soaking at lost trail hot springs after you kept insisting we "go swimming". I wish I would of got some pictures that night of you, but you looked so sick and skinny and it was almost like you were giving up, throwing in the towel. I'm so sorry cashy, I'm so sorry for everything we put you through. My heart just aches without you. I hope your safe and warm and watching over us all. Love you buddy, to infinity and beyond.
Happy New year everybody, I hope you all have a prosperous year full of love, joy, and good times. one Love!