Wednesday, November 21, 2012

RIP Cashy Michael Hyde 6/21/08-11/14/12

Well I've pondered what I would write on this blog now for a week. So many emotions, so many lovely people; friends, family, fans. We're now traveling to Salt Lake City, in a convoy of 5 vehicles the lead car which is carrying our little angel baby Cashy. Upon arrival we will be dropping him off at Starks funeral home, then on friday evening there will be another viewing and saturday a service and his burial. What a long hard week. My friend put into good words as sayings its like the movie groundhogs day except the worst day of your life.
Well last Sunday night we were growing more concerned with how much longer we had with our beautiful boy. He was becoming more stuffier and the antibiotics didn't seem to help. I want to emphasize that he was never was in pain, he was always comfortable. Four of the nights the week before Cashy was insisting on sleeping with his brother bed downstairs on the bottom bunk. They cuddled together most the night till 3am usually and then colty would come up and tell us cashy was ready to come back up to mom and dads bed. It was very precious and I'm glad colty has that as a memory with his brother.
Monday I worked a day shift for a gal who needed needed Monday off so she would work for me Thursday night. Mike said he just slept most the day, he did our usual ritual get him up and give him a bath, get him dressed, wash his monkey Jammie's on quick wash (only takes 15 min, thank you LG) while he screams at the washer for it to finish so he can have them back. But then we would have to dry them but he was usually ok with that as he didn't want to wear wet monkey Jammie's. He was such a character. So serious and adamant about certain things. It was always his way or no way, and you know we were ok with that, so was brother and even baby sissy.
Tuesday we packed up the minivan and all the kids and drove to Darby where we stayed at our friends John and Corinne's guest cabin. What a beautiful place. Cashy planted on the couch and we all hung out and chatted for a little while, colty and dad went on a four wheeler ride. We had talked about going up to lost trail hot springs, unfortunately they were closed but they said if we wanted to come still they would open it up for us. Cashy was always up for hot tubbing so after being there for a bit Cashy kept asking to go "swimming" so we all loaded up and drove to the hot springs and we soaked it up for a half hour our so, Cashy included, after 15 min or so he was ready to get out so I took him and we got dressed. We drove back to the cabin and I got the boys ready for bed and they snuggled together upstairs while mike and I talked with John and Corinne for a bit while I fed sissy. I stayed with kids, cashy and Catherine and I all went down stairs to the king size bed and we all snuggled up and cashy and I were singing songs, he sang the Barney I love you song, it was so cute, we giggled and laughed and went to sleep while I held his hand like he loved. His last night alive was not even in our home bed, in a beautiful cabin in Darby, MT.
We packed up and left in the morning, picked up a take out order of breakfast in lolo and headed home. We ate and then Gave cashy a bath with daddy, then he insisted brother get in with him as well. We forced him to brush his teeth, as it was always a battle with him. He was a strong little monkey, he could fight off that toothbrush like a ninja. Cashy then slept most of the day with waking up to eat Cheerios (which he hasn't ate anything in weeks) mike and Cashy laid on the couch and watch movies, mike tried to turn off the tv so they could just cuddle but he kept saying "movie, daddy". He wanted to listen to the movie and just snuggle. He even wanted to watch Sons of Anarchy, one of his favorite shows,( lol yes I know not the best kid show, but hey he was an old soul, he liked that stuff)! Around 2oclock he started breathing a little labored, mike gave him some extra oil and he dozed off peacefully and the labored breathing went away. Around 7pm the breathing started again and now it was a gasping type breath. Scared me so so much and ill never forget the sound, cashy started acting anxious. We were so unprepared for this to happen we hadn't needed any kind of pain medication throughout this whole process, well I panicked and though oh my god he needs morphine to help him pass away. I frantically called the oncall pediatrician which since I work in the hospital I got the number myself and called her, she refused to order cashy any morphine and she couldn't get ahold of his pediatrician, she told me I needed to take him to the ER. Which we obviously were trying to avoid. No more pokes remember. I was so appalled by how we were treated with trying to get some medication for him. I got dr Randall's house phone number from the gals at work and called him three times at home, after the third call his angry wife answered the phone "is this the hospital" I'm like no/kinda... I told her the situation and she goes well I guess I'll wake him up and have him call you, this was 9pm, not exactly that late. We gave him more oil and Mike and i took turns holding cashy, his last coherent thing he did was puckered up his little dry lips and Gave me the sweetest kiss ever. I'll forever remember that. Well he never called and Cashy quit doing the labored breathing again I passed him to mikes mom Julie so I could breast feed the baby because she was screaming. Well he started kicking his legs and you could tell he wanted Mike or I so mike came back and cuddled him on the couch. Well minutes later, I was standing in front of them and mike goes he's gone babe, I looked for a pulse amidst the tears and I didn't even need to know I could tell he was gone. So still, yet unbelievably peaceful. 9:55pm. Mike said he literally felt Cashy enter his heart, it started rapidly beating and a strong burst of energy and he was gone. Cashy was surrounded by over 20 friends and family while he took his last breath on earth in his daddy's arms. A selfish part of me was jealous that I wasn't the one holding him during his departure from earth but I'm really glad mike has that to cherish forever. Cashy has taught me alot of things throughout this journey and one of them is to be a better person and for that I am happy mike has that special moment. I brought him into this world (which let me tell you he made quite the entrance, from a cAr accident shile i was pregnant, a hearts are decels to having the cord wrapped around his neck twice and around his shoulder, and an abruption on the placenta, he never even required oxygen though, he's that big of a stud, lol) and mike held him on his way out, and that I am grateful for.
After he passed and we all caught our breath I gave him his last bath, we undressed his lifeless skinny, pale body and I held him up like a newborn in the tub and bathed him, washed his hair, and wiped his boogers (he would always say put it back mommy, so I would pretend to put back his booger) mike goes, put it back mommy. We all laughed with tears in our eyes.
Well 40 minutes after he had passed away 5 policemen show up at the door to "investigate" the unattended death,. So I'm going to say this, we had never needed hospice care, he was always comfortable, we didn't anticipate his death to happen this week, and I had honestly never thought about his passing away, I guess maybe we were in denial, or we were just always so positive and thought that he was going to beat this tumor. So they barged in, the city cops and county sheriff and the county coroner was there. They insisted we show them some proof of him having cancer so we pulled out his giant chart we had of hospital records and such (remember this is after he just died, I had just bathed his little body and we were still in utter shock) they took photos of his records and then we argued with them as the tried to tell us that they were taking his body, after he only had been dead a hour!! My mom started getting heated with them as they also argued with her and told her that he wasn't telling her how to do her job. They made me take his little body back to our room and I laid him on our bed. They undressed him and took pictures of his shell of a body. I bawled my eyes out in confusion, anger and how demeaning and uncaring this was to do to my 4 year old son who battled such a courageous battle for his life. They questioned me what his scars were on his face like I had done it to him or something. I explained in defense. Well after coming to a agreement after nearly an hour and half of them in and out of the front door, they went to their patrol cars and sat in them just a few houses down from ours. By the time they left his was stiff and hard, and rigor had set in. At 2 o'clock one of the officers or the sheriff I can't remember, called and said that he was reading through his rules and regulations and that "Cashy's body was their property" and that they could take him now if we didn't pick a funeral home and they would take him to the county coroners office (serious!!!), we decided garden city funeral home because they have a excellent rep in Missoula. So the sheriff came back and called the funeral home and over the phone we agreed they would come and pick up his body at 6am. Thank god, 4 more hours with my boy to hold him and lay with him in our bed for the last time. Mike and I snuggled and cried and held his hand we didn't even sleep. From 4oclock to 545 I sat on our bed with him in my lap and just talked to him and cried my eyes out. I told him how sorry I was that we couldn't save him, that he was so courageous and strong throughout all of this, I told him he was my true hero and how much i love his little spicy monkey attitude. At 645 the funeral director came and mike loaded his body on a stretcher and kissed him goodbye.
What a strange and awful feeling it was to not have to get up and give cashy his daily meds, his daily juicing, make a vitamix, fight giving it all to him because he hated all of it. The first day was a blurr of tears, extreme tiredness, but yet a sense of peace encompassed me knowing that he was free and no longer suffering. I can say from that instant now on I no longer fear death. I know now that Cashy will be there to greet me and all my fears of death and dying all flew away.
The last week has literally been a blurr of emotions, busy work, and planning the thing I had feared and dreaded most, a funeral for our sweet boy. Looking through thousands of pictures and videos just filled my heart knowing that he had a great life, we gave him everything we could, we tried so hard to save his life but god wanted him back. He was to precious and innocent for this earth. But it doesn't leave me without wondering, who is holding his hand, who is rubbing his back, who is there holding him now. I don't think anyone can care or love him more than mike and I. So many questions, so much heartache. My friend Michele put it right when she texted me today, that I probably have a sense of relief that its over and he is no longer suffering but also guilt because I do have that sense of relief. Then comes the tears again, and your so blind from tears and hurt in your heart alls you can do is smile and hope that cashy is with you helping you along. If it wasn't for all my friends and family this past week, I'd probably Be confined to bed and comfy pjs everyday. I was able to go workout yesterday amidst the tiredness and fog. That was nice. It's so strange not being tied down to the house like we were. There always had to be someone home with cashy. Now it's just us 4, not us 5 like it should be.
Cashys celebration of life was Monday, there were about 300 people who attended. It was an amazing beautiful service. We were blown away with the support our community showed our family. We are truly blessed with such great friends and family and people who cared for our amazing little boy of steel. Thank you everyone who attended and helped out. We appreciate everything everyone has done, the flowers, the meals, the cards, helping with the ceremony, the Cashy's cranes, the slideshow, the ceremony handouts, and so much More and most of all, the prayers. We couldn't of done any of this without all your help and support.
Yesterday was definitely a down day, quit around the house. We wrapped everything up in Missoula and then prepared for the next ceremony this weekend. I said goodbye to my best friend who was up here the day after he died from Phoenix, thanks Janess for all your help, I love you so much. My other best friends lyndsey and jacque were here sat and helped us dress him and prepare his coffin on Saturday. We dressed him ourselves in his little tuxedo and big boy underwear (even though he wasn't potty trained, if it wasn't for cancer he would be). I keep telling mike he's probably pissed off as all hell wearing a tuxedo, he wants those monkey Jammie's. lol. But then mike reminds me when he was healthy he loved getting up every morning and getting all dressed up and ready to go.
So now were still driving to SLC about 2 1/2 hours to go. This has been a amazing beautiful drive even though its our first slc trip without him in the back doing his fist pump to the music. I miss him so incredibly much, it's impossible to even explain it in words, is how ill put it. Our bed is big and empty. Lonely.
I'm so glad I took so many pictures, there's so many memories. We will have those forever. Tonight hold your babies close and kiss them for us. Ill update again after his next ceremony. Thanks again everyone, we are truly blessed to have you all. Sleep safely Cashy, I love you so much. I hope your happy and running free. One love!


Sorry if your offended by the picture of him in his coffin but we want people to know what childhood cancer looks like, and this is reality and seven babies die everyday.

22 comments:

  1. One love Mike and Kali, The Monkey Man will live forever in our hearts!

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  2. Kalli, thank you so much for sharing! I do understand all your going through. My heart is with you in such a deep way. This brings back so many memories and feelings...some of the same feelings and emotions..of when my baby boy Isaac passed, and our life the days, hours, and minutes up until that devastating moment. I am so sorry you had to go thru all that with the police force and doctor but it went just the way God and Cashy wanted it too. He knew that's why he wanted to snuggle with his big bro and you and Mike. What a blessing you got a last kiss. You guys are AMAZING and what a powerful testimony you are...many souls will be changed because of your precious little Cashy. Hugs to you all! Penny Knopp

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  3. Please....please please accept my deepest condolences. I cannot explain how hurt my heart is right now for you all!! You see, I lost my wife Gloria this past June to Brain Cancer. I wasn't fully aware of cannabis oil at the time. Even so, I live in Illinois. Good luck trying to get it here. I watched my wife. I know THAT PAIN!! I can't imagine losing my child!! I gave up a 13 year job to be home with my wife for the last year she was alive. There was no one else. She would have been here by herself. I took care of her every need. The last day she was alive I bathed her, sponged her teeth, clipped her nails and painted them...fingers and toes, washed her clothes(which I never had a chance to put back on her) changed her bedding, and put a a rose from our bush in her ear, brushed her hair, and put perfume on her that her Daughter had given her. Just awhile later she passed. I felt relief. She had laid there for 4 days not talking, eating or drinking. I didn't want her to suffer anymore. However, she is the love of my life. I miss her dearly!!! Our Anniversary is at the end of the month. Soooo, I really do understand!! Cashy has a wonderful family!!! His Father was right to get the medicine Cashy needed to help him live!! You ALL have my UNDYING respect and sympathy!!! I am sooooo very sorry....my heart bleeds for you!! Many blessing to you and your family Cashy...sleep peacefully now.

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  4. First and foremost I want to send my condolences to you and you family. But I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your lives and Cashy's life with us. I work as a hospice nurse and I have never experienced such a touching experience. Despite not knowing you, I always looked forward to posts by mutual friends about Cashy, whether it was about how he was feeling or just positive words you all passed on. I could not imagine going thru what you have experienced but you have done so much to open people's eyes to childhood cancer. I hope there will be more awareness about treatment, options, and families experiences with childhood cancer. My heart breaks that you had to experience such ignorance after his death; unfortunately people fear death especially with children;and even when people are on hospice. I'm sure your heart will ache for a long time, but remember that he is now your angel and he has touched the lives of many. Thank you for sharing with us, thank you for allowing us to experience the ups and downs with you, the miracles, the smiles, and the peacefulness. One Love!

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  5. Thank you Kalli and I truly wish you nothing but happiness and peace in your life what a wonderful mommy and daddy your Cashy, Colty and Catherine have u should be very proud of what you have brought Cashy through and all the stresses and pain you all have endured! Not to mentio. how strong a family you have to be to keep all your kids so happy through all of this! I really dont know what more to say I coukd write all night long about how mich you have brought to all of your followers lives! Thank you sooooo much for sharing every moment.with us! Bless you all!!!!

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  6. One Love. Strength to you through all of this. David - Vancouver

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  7. Hyde family, my heart breaks for you. I recently lost my uncle, my absolute best friend and hero, to this horrible disease. I can not even imagine losing my baby! I have been praying so much for your family. Kalli and Mike, you are an inspiration...truly. I can only hope to be.as great of a parent as the two of you are. You are so strong. I pray you find peace during such a sad time in your life. You.said it right. Some are just too perfect, too precious for earth. Please keep the faith and know you will see your beautiful, strong little man again:,) One Love <3

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  8. God never gives us more than we can handle. Prayers of love and strength for the entire Hyde family.

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  9. Reading about your beautiful little Cash passing made me cry, I was so moved reading about his last kiss to you and that he left this world in his Daddy's arms. I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer in 2004 and as a Mom myself of four, I can't even begin to fathom the pain you are going through. Your little guy is perfect, pain free and able now to do all that he couldn't do when he was here... Lean on God and the support from family and friends in the rough months ahead. Hugs to your whole family, I wish you all the best...
    Samantha Bivins
    Las Vegas, Nevada

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  10. I feel close to your family even though we have never meet. I have been following Cashy for some time. He is very special to so many. Thank you for sharing his life with all of us. We are so thankful that he spent his time at home with the ones that love him. I am certain with all of the love you have shown him his heart was full. I know no words can make this time any easier for you or your family. Be strong! Thank you again for sharing your lives with us.We love you little Cashy you are an inspiration to us all!

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  11. McKenna and I are so very humbled by your family. Cashys strength gave my daughter inspiration to fight thru her pain. Cashy and your family has giving to my daughter and I love and respect. We both wish we could have met Cashy but We are so very honered to beenin all of your thoughts and prayers. I wish you all love and peace. ~BELIVE IN ONE LOVE~

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  12. My heart breaks with you. Even though we never met, I feel like we are connected. We all are because of this horrible disease. We can ask why, but there really is no answer. But it changes us and touches us because life is so fragile and precious. Your strength and honesty is going to help so many people.
    That last kiss. That last hug. That will always be there. You ask who is holding his hand and cuddling him, I believe it's God and his other angels.
    Xoxoxo. Thank you for sharing his story.

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  13. There is no deeper grief then the loss of a child..my heart goes
    out to you and your family Cashy was such a strong amazing little boy with a heart of gold. He touched so many and so many will miss him, thank you for sharing your little angel and bringing us all into your intimate moments. R.I.P Cashy we are
    all still here fighting for your cause.

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  14. Thank you for sharing Cashy with the world and uniting so many of us in the fight against childhood cancer. Thank you for sharing the story of Cashy's last few days and moments with us. It is gut wrenching to read but also, somehow comforting that he had such a good couple days prior to leaving this Earth. It is comforting that he was with the people who loved him most and shared his short life. Cashy was such an amazing little soul but I have to say that you are an amazing family who did the best for their little boy, even when you had to fight for what you felt and knew was best for him, you fought! Cashy was the boy of steel but you are the family of steel. ONE LOVE!

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  15. Thank you for sharing Kalli. your words make my heart feel the light that's in your family's hearts.within 2 days of Cashy passing my mother had a heart attack and also passed. I was already grieving for Cashy when I was told of my mom. I was kinda of a mess for a few days.The memories that flow through our heads and hearts make us remember all the sweet moments that they brought us. Thank you for letting me into your lives to share the Love that we all inside have and need to share. It's precious.It's amazing what 1 person can do, Cashy gave me hope and a renewed energy to carry on till I die, the Truth of Cannabis and the corruption of the United States Government to Lie to it's citizens in order to profit and control what we as (humans) consume. Thank you Cash Hyde, Much Love and Gratitude

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  16. One Love RIP MY GREAT NEPHEW CASHY I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART I will never forget the fight you gave me when I braided your hair before the chemo started.

    LOVE YOUR TIA Isabel Jackson

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  17. Blessings for your family Kalli...Your little man was such an inspiration as well as you both for the love you gave him and your fight to do what was best for your baby boy!! I among many will never forget his courageous battle...One Love...

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  18. You and Mike are such special parents. Cashy was lucky to have you guys. Your story is so honest and real. My heart breaks for your loss and my cheeks are wet with tears. Stay strong, momma. Much love to the Hyde family.

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  19. Thank You for this update Kalli- As hard as it was to read, I can only image how hard it must have been to write. Team Cashy Cleveland wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to be there for your family this week. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of Cashy's service via internet. That was a very special thing for me and my friends. We are completely humbled that you would involve us, Cashy's fans.
    THANK YOU & OneLove!

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  21. Few of us ever meet yet get to live with an angel. You are blessed for the time you had. I know that no words exist to ease the pain at this moment. But if I can help in any way please feel free to call. Sincerely Brian "Tiger Weedz" Smith.

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  22. I don't know where you found the strength to write that account of Cash's last days. It took me years to write four paragraphs about my daughter's surgery. I am in awe of you and I'm still praying for your little boy that he is recovering back to his "old" self in heaven.

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