Well I've pondered what I would write on this blog now for a week. So many emotions, so many lovely people; friends, family, fans. We're now traveling to Salt Lake City, in a convoy of 5 vehicles the lead car which is carrying our little angel baby Cashy. Upon arrival we will be dropping him off at Starks funeral home, then on friday evening there will be another viewing and saturday a service and his burial. What a long hard week. My friend put into good words as sayings its like the movie groundhogs day except the worst day of your life.
Well last Sunday night we were growing more concerned with how much longer we had with our beautiful boy. He was becoming more stuffier and the antibiotics didn't seem to help. I want to emphasize that he was never was in pain, he was always comfortable. Four of the nights the week before Cashy was insisting on sleeping with his brother bed downstairs on the bottom bunk. They cuddled together most the night till 3am usually and then colty would come up and tell us cashy was ready to come back up to mom and dads bed. It was very precious and I'm glad colty has that as a memory with his brother.
Monday I worked a day shift for a gal who needed needed Monday off so she would work for me Thursday night. Mike said he just slept most the day, he did our usual ritual get him up and give him a bath, get him dressed, wash his monkey Jammie's on quick wash (only takes 15 min, thank you LG) while he screams at the washer for it to finish so he can have them back. But then we would have to dry them but he was usually ok with that as he didn't want to wear wet monkey Jammie's. He was such a character. So serious and adamant about certain things. It was always his way or no way, and you know we were ok with that, so was brother and even baby sissy.
Tuesday we packed up the minivan and all the kids and drove to Darby where we stayed at our friends John and Corinne's guest cabin. What a beautiful place. Cashy planted on the couch and we all hung out and chatted for a little while, colty and dad went on a four wheeler ride. We had talked about going up to lost trail hot springs, unfortunately they were closed but they said if we wanted to come still they would open it up for us. Cashy was always up for hot tubbing so after being there for a bit Cashy kept asking to go "swimming" so we all loaded up and drove to the hot springs and we soaked it up for a half hour our so, Cashy included, after 15 min or so he was ready to get out so I took him and we got dressed. We drove back to the cabin and I got the boys ready for bed and they snuggled together upstairs while mike and I talked with John and Corinne for a bit while I fed sissy. I stayed with kids, cashy and Catherine and I all went down stairs to the king size bed and we all snuggled up and cashy and I were singing songs, he sang the Barney I love you song, it was so cute, we giggled and laughed and went to sleep while I held his hand like he loved. His last night alive was not even in our home bed, in a beautiful cabin in Darby, MT.
We packed up and left in the morning, picked up a take out order of breakfast in lolo and headed home. We ate and then Gave cashy a bath with daddy, then he insisted brother get in with him as well. We forced him to brush his teeth, as it was always a battle with him. He was a strong little monkey, he could fight off that toothbrush like a ninja. Cashy then slept most of the day with waking up to eat Cheerios (which he hasn't ate anything in weeks) mike and Cashy laid on the couch and watch movies, mike tried to turn off the tv so they could just cuddle but he kept saying "movie, daddy". He wanted to listen to the movie and just snuggle. He even wanted to watch Sons of Anarchy, one of his favorite shows,( lol yes I know not the best kid show, but hey he was an old soul, he liked that stuff)! Around 2oclock he started breathing a little labored, mike gave him some extra oil and he dozed off peacefully and the labored breathing went away. Around 7pm the breathing started again and now it was a gasping type breath. Scared me so so much and ill never forget the sound, cashy started acting anxious. We were so unprepared for this to happen we hadn't needed any kind of pain medication throughout this whole process, well I panicked and though oh my god he needs morphine to help him pass away. I frantically called the oncall pediatrician which since I work in the hospital I got the number myself and called her, she refused to order cashy any morphine and she couldn't get ahold of his pediatrician, she told me I needed to take him to the ER. Which we obviously were trying to avoid. No more pokes remember. I was so appalled by how we were treated with trying to get some medication for him. I got dr Randall's house phone number from the gals at work and called him three times at home, after the third call his angry wife answered the phone "is this the hospital" I'm like no/kinda... I told her the situation and she goes well I guess I'll wake him up and have him call you, this was 9pm, not exactly that late. We gave him more oil and Mike and i took turns holding cashy, his last coherent thing he did was puckered up his little dry lips and Gave me the sweetest kiss ever. I'll forever remember that. Well he never called and Cashy quit doing the labored breathing again I passed him to mikes mom Julie so I could breast feed the baby because she was screaming. Well he started kicking his legs and you could tell he wanted Mike or I so mike came back and cuddled him on the couch. Well minutes later, I was standing in front of them and mike goes he's gone babe, I looked for a pulse amidst the tears and I didn't even need to know I could tell he was gone. So still, yet unbelievably peaceful. 9:55pm. Mike said he literally felt Cashy enter his heart, it started rapidly beating and a strong burst of energy and he was gone. Cashy was surrounded by over 20 friends and family while he took his last breath on earth in his daddy's arms. A selfish part of me was jealous that I wasn't the one holding him during his departure from earth but I'm really glad mike has that to cherish forever. Cashy has taught me alot of things throughout this journey and one of them is to be a better person and for that I am happy mike has that special moment. I brought him into this world (which let me tell you he made quite the entrance, from a cAr accident shile i was pregnant, a hearts are decels to having the cord wrapped around his neck twice and around his shoulder, and an abruption on the placenta, he never even required oxygen though, he's that big of a stud, lol) and mike held him on his way out, and that I am grateful for.
After he passed and we all caught our breath I gave him his last bath, we undressed his lifeless skinny, pale body and I held him up like a newborn in the tub and bathed him, washed his hair, and wiped his boogers (he would always say put it back mommy, so I would pretend to put back his booger) mike goes, put it back mommy. We all laughed with tears in our eyes.
Well 40 minutes after he had passed away 5 policemen show up at the door to "investigate" the unattended death,. So I'm going to say this, we had never needed hospice care, he was always comfortable, we didn't anticipate his death to happen this week, and I had honestly never thought about his passing away, I guess maybe we were in denial, or we were just always so positive and thought that he was going to beat this tumor. So they barged in, the city cops and county sheriff and the county coroner was there. They insisted we show them some proof of him having cancer so we pulled out his giant chart we had of hospital records and such (remember this is after he just died, I had just bathed his little body and we were still in utter shock) they took photos of his records and then we argued with them as the tried to tell us that they were taking his body, after he only had been dead a hour!! My mom started getting heated with them as they also argued with her and told her that he wasn't telling her how to do her job. They made me take his little body back to our room and I laid him on our bed. They undressed him and took pictures of his shell of a body. I bawled my eyes out in confusion, anger and how demeaning and uncaring this was to do to my 4 year old son who battled such a courageous battle for his life. They questioned me what his scars were on his face like I had done it to him or something. I explained in defense. Well after coming to a agreement after nearly an hour and half of them in and out of the front door, they went to their patrol cars and sat in them just a few houses down from ours. By the time they left his was stiff and hard, and rigor had set in. At 2 o'clock one of the officers or the sheriff I can't remember, called and said that he was reading through his rules and regulations and that "Cashy's body was their property" and that they could take him now if we didn't pick a funeral home and they would take him to the county coroners office (serious!!!), we decided garden city funeral home because they have a excellent rep in Missoula. So the sheriff came back and called the funeral home and over the phone we agreed they would come and pick up his body at 6am. Thank god, 4 more hours with my boy to hold him and lay with him in our bed for the last time. Mike and I snuggled and cried and held his hand we didn't even sleep. From 4oclock to 545 I sat on our bed with him in my lap and just talked to him and cried my eyes out. I told him how sorry I was that we couldn't save him, that he was so courageous and strong throughout all of this, I told him he was my true hero and how much i love his little spicy monkey attitude. At 645 the funeral director came and mike loaded his body on a stretcher and kissed him goodbye.
What a strange and awful feeling it was to not have to get up and give cashy his daily meds, his daily juicing, make a vitamix, fight giving it all to him because he hated all of it. The first day was a blurr of tears, extreme tiredness, but yet a sense of peace encompassed me knowing that he was free and no longer suffering. I can say from that instant now on I no longer fear death. I know now that Cashy will be there to greet me and all my fears of death and dying all flew away.
The last week has literally been a blurr of emotions, busy work, and planning the thing I had feared and dreaded most, a funeral for our sweet boy. Looking through thousands of pictures and videos just filled my heart knowing that he had a great life, we gave him everything we could, we tried so hard to save his life but god wanted him back. He was to precious and innocent for this earth. But it doesn't leave me without wondering, who is holding his hand, who is rubbing his back, who is there holding him now. I don't think anyone can care or love him more than mike and I. So many questions, so much heartache. My friend Michele put it right when she texted me today, that I probably have a sense of relief that its over and he is no longer suffering but also guilt because I do have that sense of relief. Then comes the tears again, and your so blind from tears and hurt in your heart alls you can do is smile and hope that cashy is with you helping you along. If it wasn't for all my friends and family this past week, I'd probably Be confined to bed and comfy pjs everyday. I was able to go workout yesterday amidst the tiredness and fog. That was nice. It's so strange not being tied down to the house like we were. There always had to be someone home with cashy. Now it's just us 4, not us 5 like it should be.
Cashys celebration of life was Monday, there were about 300 people who attended. It was an amazing beautiful service. We were blown away with the support our community showed our family. We are truly blessed with such great friends and family and people who cared for our amazing little boy of steel. Thank you everyone who attended and helped out. We appreciate everything everyone has done, the flowers, the meals, the cards, helping with the ceremony, the Cashy's cranes, the slideshow, the ceremony handouts, and so much More and most of all, the prayers. We couldn't of done any of this without all your help and support.
Yesterday was definitely a down day, quit around the house. We wrapped everything up in Missoula and then prepared for the next ceremony this weekend. I said goodbye to my best friend who was up here the day after he died from Phoenix, thanks Janess for all your help, I love you so much. My other best friends lyndsey and jacque were here sat and helped us dress him and prepare his coffin on Saturday. We dressed him ourselves in his little tuxedo and big boy underwear (even though he wasn't potty trained, if it wasn't for cancer he would be). I keep telling mike he's probably pissed off as all hell wearing a tuxedo, he wants those monkey Jammie's. lol. But then mike reminds me when he was healthy he loved getting up every morning and getting all dressed up and ready to go.
So now were still driving to SLC about 2 1/2 hours to go. This has been a amazing beautiful drive even though its our first slc trip without him in the back doing his fist pump to the music. I miss him so incredibly much, it's impossible to even explain it in words, is how ill put it. Our bed is big and empty. Lonely.
I'm so glad I took so many pictures, there's so many memories. We will have those forever. Tonight hold your babies close and kiss them for us. Ill update again after his next ceremony. Thanks again everyone, we are truly blessed to have you all. Sleep safely Cashy, I love you so much. I hope your happy and running free. One love!
Sorry if your offended by the picture of him in his coffin but we want people to know what childhood cancer looks like, and this is reality and seven babies die everyday.