Friday, August 9, 2013

Grief--- it's what's for dinner, every night.

I miss you.  I miss every little thing about you; my heart literally aches without you. I wish this was all just a bad bad dream, and that I will wake up soon.
I miss your sweet baby voice saying "I yuv you momma," I miss pretending your little feet were stinky and going, "pewwwwww" and hearing your deep belly laugh as I pulled your foot away.   I do that with sissy now and she thinks it’s soooooo funny, just like you did---I almost feel like I'm betraying you when I do it to her though, but it also reminds me of you and I love thinking of you every chance I get.   

It's just so hard to believe that you’re gone, that you just fell asleep in daddy's arms and your sweet little innocent heart just stopped beating.  It makes me nauseated to even think about it.  
Why is that when death strikes a family, well in your case an innocent little boy, why is that all the support/friendship you had before, just seems to be gone, or just dissipates into thin air. Like the drama is over. Friends no longer want to tell you things or "talk", the late night chats, the emails, the messages, the visits. I couldn't even tell you the last time I got a phone call, an actual phone call. It just seems like everyone has forgotten or moved on or they have their own lives. I know that's alright and I'm not trying to be ungrateful or unappreciative, it just hurts and it’s lonely. I know it is what it is. I get that. I'm a busy person too. I could make calls too, and I don't. I just see how it is through my eyes, like I'm looking through a mirror of ugliness.  That's what I see; I see a tired, old, wrinkly girl who used to be bubbly, kind, cute and loved everybody. I understand that nobody wants to be around an ugly, sad, empty vessel with molasses like blood.  
These eyes are now eyes of a mother who's lost a son, their cold and empty. These eyes have seen things that no mother should ever have seen. I have this thick black blood circulating through my body.  It leaves you numb.  I am a mother who has buried her soul twelve feet in the ground, a mother whose heart was buried when her baby was buried. A mother who’s lost a baby to cancer and a whole lot of friends in the process.  And maybe these friends aren't lost, maybe it's the grief, nobody likes to be around someone who's constantly talking about their dead child.
It's probably deafening. But I will never stop.  I will never stop telling your story because as in a quote I read which really touched my heart, it said, "We all die, the goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." I like that and when I read it, it makes me cry because I know that's what we have to do, create your destiny, so you will be known forever for the star that you are and the fight that ou put forth.

We held the viewing of the documentary you starred in, American Drug Wars 2, Cannabis Destiny in Missoula on July 25th.  It was so great to have so many friends and family come and support you and the foundation.  It was a great turnout and there were at least a couple hundred people!  Family came from out of state and out of town.  Thanks to Amanda, Nick, Helen, Sara and Benji for helping out again by running the table for us! You guys rock!  
 I was a little bummed that only 1 of my co-workers came to see it though. I shouldnt complain though because my co workers have been amazing with donations and support throughtout your whole battle, we wouldn't have made it as far as we had without all the support.  It was a good time and it was good to get together with some friends I haven't seen or hung out with in a really long time.  Thanks to everyone who took the time out of their evening to come and cheer on our main man Cashy and support the Cash Hyde Foundation.  Each and everyone one of you, we thank you for supporting us from the beginning, Cashy is truly changing the world and we couldn't do it without all of your support. 

We floated the Alberton Gorge
with Uncle Joey and Brittney last week on Daddy and I's, 6th year wedding anniversary.  We've now been together almost 13 years! That's amazing considering all the things we've been through with you, with our relationship, sooooo much shit, that the odds for most couples wouldn't be good. We've had our fair share of difficulties but we've seem to overcome them as the days go on.   

We left Sissy at home for this float, as it can be a tad dangerous in some spots.  The rapids were a blast!  We got on the river late, as when Joe and I went to drop off the pick-up car, an old man had a flat tire and even his spare tire was flat, so we had to give him a ride to Superior to fill up his tire.  We didn't get back on the river until 4, it made for a chilly float but the guys caught tons of fish!!!  Colty was in fishing heaven!  He caught pretty much every single fish that was caught that day!  Here's a pic of Colty with his first and biggest fish caught! He was so proud of himself!  The rivers are so low now, that the rapids weren't what they usually are. But we still had a blast and Mike rowed us through like a pro!  Brittney and I sat up front and got soaked every single time the waves hit us!  Burr!  We didn't end up getting off the river until 9pm!!! 


I see all these families who have foundations for their children who've passed---Maya Thompson, she has so much support it’s insane, yet amazing.  She has offers for help constantly, they have strangers putting on events, and they have men biking across the country in Ronan's name.  Cashy what is it that we have to do to get your story out there into the mainstream (more mainstream than you already are) and have the influx of support that they have??? Maybe it's because Taylor Swift wrote a song for Ronan? Maybe it's because Brett Michael's wears a Ronan wrist band? What do we have to do to take your foundation and your legacy to the next level? We just need that next push.  We've had tremendous amount of support over the years and its been so amazing, before and after your passing, we are so thankful and blessed and couldn't be more ecstatic about how many people love you and have heard of your story.  We've also had that tremendous support walk away sometimes too.  I don't know, but I do know we need to find a way to have your story really get out there and make it a possibility for other children fighting cancer and battling a battle for their life…Because kids can't fight cancer alone, we know that.  More parents and kids need to know your story.  It could change their battle significantly.
I'm sitting here holding my really good friend Brooke and Casey's newborn baby while mom sleeps for a couple hours. Soul O'rion entered the world at 3:50 am on July 30th. 3 hours before his scheduled c/s, after mom’s water broke! I was lucky enough to be working that night and I was prepared and brought our nice Cannon camera and I labeled myself as the "birth photographer."  I got so many awesome pictures of the delivery and after when mom is holding him for the first time.  I felt so proud to be a part of such a fun amazing time in our friend’s lives!!!  It’s a plus of being my friend, and having a baby; I get to be your nurse and take care of you, plus photograph your birth!!! haha. 

As I hold him and look into his innocent eyes I can't help but think back to when I had you and held you for the first time.  You were the cutest little monkey boy ever, hairy ears, hairy back, you had black hair clear down to your eyebrows. Funny story...You were a month early and because of your gestation and your weight (5lbs 5 oz.) you required blood sugar checks before feedings.  Well the morning after your delivery the nurse came in to check your blood sugar and she goes, "is it OK if I P-O-K-E (spelling it out) baby?"  Colty, with a stark surprised look on his face turns to the nurse and goes (in this cute 3 year old voice) "don't pee on my baby OK?."  Bahahaha we all started cracking up, it was so funny.  Because she spelled out poke, he heard the "P" and though she was asking if she could pee on the baby. Oh man, that was funny.  I actually have it on video as well.  It's so cute.  Colty was such a proud big brother. He didn't want anyone peeing on his baby brother. 

Colty told me yesterday that he was "Soooo stressed out," I asked him why he was stressed out, and he goes, "well, I'm not used to not having a brother, I've always had a brother, and now with baby Soul being born, he reminds me of Cashy so much, and they keep dressing him in monkey clothes and it makes me sad,"...I got sad listening to him open up.  It’s a very rare occasion that he opens up like that and shares his feelings.  I said, "I know buddy, I miss your brother so much too, but you still have a brother, he’s just an angel watching over you now."  I wasn't sure what else to say.  Poor guy.  He also has asked me now 3 times what your body looks like in its coffin.  Its morbid to even think, but I didn't have the answer to that.  I'd like to think that your still as perfect looking as you were the day we buried you. Im not sure why he thinks of these things.  Its hard for him.  He misses you so much.  I assured him that you weren't even in that body anymore, I told him that your in his heart every minute of every day.  Thats the best answer I can give him, because I still have so many unanswered questions myself.

The birth of a baby; be it a friends, a close family member whoever it is, it really changes things for everyone. The siblings, the new mom or dad, life changes at that moment of their birth, you form this unconditional love that you've never felt before.  Only holding your baby in your arms can give you that feeling.  Now imagine holding that baby while he's taken his last breath in life and holding his lifeless body in your arms.  Cashy, I carried you in my belly for a little over 8 months; you've now been gone almost 9 months.  I carried you in my womb, I held you proudly after your birth and I wept with all my heart holding you after your death.  its a spiritual awakening for everyone who experiences the loss of a child.  The overwhelming feeling of grief is so literally breath taking.  Sometimes I feel as I can't breath thinking of all the pain and heartache you endured.  It's surreal to me that it's been that you've been gone so long. It seems like yesterday but it also feels like an eternity. We're closer to a year now and it scares me more than anything.

We traveled all the way to Olympia Washington this past weekend to attend The SonShine Organics Hempseed 2013.  We borrowed Casey and Brooke's minivan and cruised like the road warriors that we are.  We arrived Friday night just before midnight; it was nearly 3 when we left Missoula.  We arrived to the SonShine Organics campus and they had a nice living area and bedroom for us to stay in for the weekend.  We finally got to meet Sarena Haskins, a huge Cashy fan and supporter throughout your battle.  She is such a kind/sweet woman with a heart of gold. 

For some reason it felt like I had literally met her before.  You know when you have that feeling like you've been there before in another world or another life?  I don't know, it’s hard to explain.  But it felt like family and it was great to finally meet them all!  Sarena's daughter Hannah battled wilm’s tumor, (it’s a type of cancer) when she was 4 years old.  She’s' now almost 14 years old and is doing great.  Colty even had a little crush on her.  He told me he asked her for a kiss on the cheek and when he went in for it, he snuck one on the lips…my little Casanova!  haha.  I'm going to have to watch that kid closely.

The event was the next morning and people started piling in around 9 am.  The event lasted all day long. There were speakers, Mike did a speech of course, (I chickened out, yes I know, I'm not a speaker, I'm a writer, lol), there were different collectives there, there was a magician for the kids, art projects, snow cones, glass blowing, they did a nice memorial for Cashy at the end, then for the finale’ there was a acrobatic gal and some people who did fire baton twirling, and fire blowing!  It was pretty darn cool, and the whole family had a great day!  It was so much fun~!! We were so glad we were able to make it!!  Thanks SonShine Organics for having us out and showing us a great time!  You guys are so awesome!! :)

On the way home Colten kept hounding us to take him to Triple Play, in Hayden Idaho.  So we rented a hotel (total rip off, they wanted 220 dollars but we talked them down to 150), and then we find out the water park bands aren’t included in the room rate anymore like they used to.  So 60 more bucks to swim in the water park for an hour.  We decided to just sneak in and not pay unless we got caught (ya I know, bad karma but seriously 60 bucks to go swimming for an hour in water that is so chlorinated that it burns your eyes even opening them???)  We were literally there 40 minutes and left because our eyes were burning out.  I definitely wouldn't recommend Triple Play anymore.  Not worth the funds.  This pic was taken at triple play a couple months before you were diagnosed. You had so much fun swimming.

Childhood cancer.  It’s not pretty.  It’s not glamorous.  It’s not all rainbows and butterflies; it’s not about cute little kids with shiny bald heads.  Childhood cancer is scary, it’s dark, it ruins families, and it takes away those everlasting permeating smiles children are supposed to have. It bleeds bright red blood onto your brand new clean white sheets of life, not looking back at the utter terror and insanity it leaves behind. Childhood cancer is portrayed wrong is so many ways, and it’s all inaccurate.  I know what this beast called childhood cancer is and I know what it can do.  I hope I’ve portrayed over these past 3 years what cancer does to our children, how it leaves them bruised, battered, skinny, pale, weak, scarred, and the odds are that most of these children are being murdered every day by this horrible life-ruiner, CHILDHOOD CANCER.  I want people to see, I want people to realize that it could be their child next and its not a joke.

Cancer isn't racist, it doesn't care if you’re black or white, Asian or Hispanic, it doesn't care if you’re a newborn baby boy, or a 6 year old little girl, it doesn't care, it doesn't discriminate.  It could be your family next.  Are you prepared?  Would you be ready if it did happen?  I know these are all things a parent doesn't want to even think about.  But its reality and everyday 46 children are diagnosed and 7 of them will die, just like you did sweet Cashy.  You fought so hard, you loved life more than anyone I knew.  You wanted nothing more than to get on your bike and ride down the street like your big brother does.  But Cancer took that away from you.  Cancer took so much away for you my darling.  I miss you so much.  I wish I could have traded places with you a million times.  I wish you were here, I wish God could have given me the option, to save you and take me.  I would have gladly traded places with you in an instant. 

I look at your photos and I catch myself just staring at you, every part of you.  Your tiny hands, your cute ears, and the scar you had on your neck from one of your central lines.  Your scar on your head, oh that scar, I miss running my fingers along its bumps and grooves.  I know I've said that before but man I truly miss so much of you, all of you. Everything and nobody can truly understand my pain, because they never had such a special monkey boy like you.  You were one of a kind.  There is not one little boy out there like you.  Sometimes I see parts of you in little boys.  I do.  Their little voices, their mannerisms, their strive for life.  I see that a lot in little boys.  But what’s missing is you, your whole self, and your soul.  I need you back with me, so bad.  I just don't understand why.  Why you had to be taken from us.  Our family just seems so lost and incomplete without you.  Where is our 5 year old boy?  Why aren't you running amuck around the neighborhood, why aren't you bugging your brother to play his Nintendo DS?   Why aren't you here waking me up for water ever couple hours like you would always do?   Instead I still wake up every hour but instead of giving you water, I get up, get myself some water, pace around the house a few times, look in the fridge, look at my phone (no calls, no texts, maybe a snap chat from Michelle or Brooke because they both are insomniacs too), look in the pantry, sneak a peek at your brother sleeping, sneak a peek at your baby Sissy sleeping, then I crawl back into bed, Daddy doesn't even notice my restlessness.  Like I've said before, sometimes I just want to reach over and smack him with my pillow, and say "WAKE UP, how can you sleep, our baby is dead???"  But I don't do that, I'm not sure that would go over very well and I know that he struggles just as much as I do and I'm glad he does get the little sleep that he does because we're always up late and up early.  It doesn't leave much room for a good stretch of sleep.  But were used to that from staying up all the time with you at the hospital and waking up giving you water and changing your diapers.  Which I would do for the rest of my life if I could.  
This is my new favorite photo of us buddy.  I'm so glad I found it. :) 

Well baby boy, I'm going to call it a night.  I miss you so much, everything about you.  I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and ever.  Miss you little monkey man. 


Cashy Fans----If you haven't seen the ORB video, I posted on facebook.  Here’s the link to watch it. I uploaded it to YouTube so now everyone can see it.  It’s an amazing video and I truly believe Cashy was there playing with the kids and left a little sign for me.  :)