Sunday, December 30, 2012

As the world turns, mine is standing still.

Cashy I miss you so much that times like these I feel like just throwing in the towel and driving home from work and not telling anyone I left. I would never do that to my coworkers or my patients but man, seeing all these new parents with their new little bundles of joy, it hurts my heart, it hurts seeing little boy babies with black fuzzy hair and their little monkey faces. It hurts so bad.
You have inspired so many people in your short four years on earth and I know you will continue to do so. You will continue to teach them so many wonderful lessons about life. You will make this world a better place. You already have and I know this is just the beginning of so many amazing things to come. I promise to help you with the big job you have ahead of you. We can do anything together.

I’ve tried as best I can to go about my life but everything is still standing still. I have so many unanswered questions. So many emotions that people just don't understand. I think some people are even afraid to say hi to me in fear of making me cry or just because they don't have the slightest idea what to say to a momma who lost her baby boy to cancer. But I'm strong like that in a weird way, I don't cry easy in front of people. I let it build up, I can usually feel it hanging in my shoulders, the raw pain.... It builds up and leaves me very tense. I cry the best in the cAr by myself. It's usually a song that sparks the tears, as like I said before everything reminds me of you.
We've been watching all our home videos lately, videos I can't even remember taking. How sad is that, that I can't even remember much of what life was like before cancer. Before you became so sick, tired, and weak. The last video I watched, I watched by myself which was a good thing because I just cry and cry and tears flow like a waterfall. The whole disc was the few weeks before you were diagnosed and the first three rounds of chemo. It starts with you and brother playing in the bathtub. Man you were so full of life and energy and you were so beautiful, your long brown hair and your to die for eyes. You were the most perfect baby. How could someone so perfect and flawless get cancer? How does a child, my child get cancer. Then I start questioning myself and blaming myself. Maybe it was because I only breastfeed you for 8 months instead of a whole year, Maybe it was the toxic formula I gave you, or all the hormones they put in cows milk? Maybe it was the food I fed you (could it of been from a hot dog, we don't eat those anymore, let alone any meat), the candy I let you eat once in awhile, maybe it was the wifi we have flowing through our house, maybe it was the TV, maybe I let you watch Mickey Mouse to many times. Maybe it was the car accident I was in when I was pregnant, maybe it was the drugs they gave me to stop my premature labor after the car accident. There's so many possibilities that it literally drives me insane. I wish I knew, so I could do everything in my power to prevent your brother and sister from getting cancer too. It really scares me and I am constantly worrying.

In your four years of life, you were never scared of anything. Never. You were so brave and strong. I remember last year when we were doing radiation. We would get up every morning (yes it was a fight to get dressed) and daddy and I would take turns being with you. We would wait downstairs in that horrible hospital, you would either be in my arms or in your stroller waiting for your turn so they could sedate you and radiate your brain and spine. God you were so brave, everyday we would walk in and they would hook up your line with the Nasty white medicine to make you sleep. You would instantly be passed out cold, every time it freaked me out, the doctors and nurses seemed so scattered, and unprepared. I was always afraid to leave you, then I had to walk out without you and it felt so awful knowing what you were going through. How they would strap you down on your body mold and then put the mask over your face after they intubated you then they would screw the mask down to the table. It was the most horrible feeling having to leave you with strangers and having to trust them, when they gave me no trust to feel. I kept your radiation mask, I often go in your room and hold it, it's a perfect mold of your beautiful face. It fits so well right in my arms, your little head. My bAby boy. I hold your mask and cry and I talk to you. I tell you how sad I am without you, how torturous it is living without you. I kiss the the perfect mold of your lips like your still there, I run my fingers down and over the indentation of your little nose and your eyes. It's you, it's your face. It's all I have left to remember how perfect your delicate face was.

I miss running my fingers over your scar on your head from the brain surgery. The scar had calcium deposits all along it so it was bumpy and I loved running my fingers over it. It was a grim reminder of what a strong little boy you were. What obstacles you over came. There were so many. The most amazing obstacle was you being able to see again after you were blind for almost two months after the brain surgery. You were so scared and totally blind. I was scared too. How could someone possibly have a quality of life if they are blind. I could never grasp it and miraculously you were given your sight back. Thank god for that.
I struggle with the fact that you are safe and happy. How can you be safe if your not with me? Isn't that what a mommy is supposed to do, keep you safe from harm, keep you warm and happy? I have literally no idea what your doing. You could be walking the streets of Timbuktu for all I know, and that worries me. Being without you is not being at all.

I have yet to have a good dream about you. The first couple weeks after you died I had dreams of you, but you were dead, and we all were frantically planning your funeral, over and over. Like every dream we were planning another funeral for you. A nightmare really. I won't be satisfied until you come to me in my dreams and show me that your ok, that your floating on a cloud and eating cheese sammys until your tummy hurts, or something. Do you even need to eat in heaven?

It's funny what becomes important when things like this happen. Tv shows, magazines, books...even the news is a joke. Who Effin cares if snookie had a baby or that Lindsey Lohan is in rehab again, who gives a rats ass. What about all the innocent babies like you that are gone and dead from childhood cancer. If everybody cared as much about pediatric cancer as they did about the next trashy episode of teen mom, well maybe you wouldn't be deAd. Maybe little kiwi, or your buddy Dawson, or juju could still be alive if people cared more about this terrible disease that is killing our children, our future. I swear if I see another gossip magazine with one of those kardashian girls on it, I'm going to throw them all in a pile and burn them in the store. Is that what the world has come to......ugh.
Well I better make some rounds and quit blabbering on. I hope everyone reading this has a good day today and will you all kiss your babies for me and hold them tight. Get down on the floor and play Legos, lt them make a mess with playdough. Cashy wouldn't want it any other way. I'd give my heart (well what's left of it) to be able to play cars one last time with Cashy. Remember tomorrow is never promised.
I love and miss you more and more everyday cashy. Please come to me in a dream. I need this. To infinity and beyond buddy, to infinity and beyond.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Christmas is over and I can breath a little easier.

Well Christmas is finally over. I will admit that I'm glad it's over. I never in my life imagined that such a great family oriented holiday would cause so much heartAche and pain. I really don't think the pain will ever get easier. Maybe more tolerable but I don't think the pain and hurt will ever be any less. My heart has a huge empty hold in it where cashy belongs. I know technically he is in my heart but I want my tangible cashy, the boy who wouldn't let me get up to even go pee or make dinner, the boy who loved lounging on the couch and the boy who would bark orders at us around the clock.
Mike and I often joked about how we were his "bitch", and you know we were perfectly ok with it. I'd bend over backwards and balance bowling pins on my head if he wanted me to. I would do anything for that boy.
Putting up the Christmas tree for the first time since 2009 was really hard. Opening presents Christmas morning was even harder. Not heading cashys giggle or his cute little voice really hurts. I really had looked forward to being home with cashy for Christmas. I was so excited to have him here with us to hang ornaments, play the elf on the shelf game with him, have him open presents and just get to be a little boy that he really hadn't ever had much of a chance to be.
Sometimes I catch myself glancing over at the empty couch where cashy should be. Everything reminds me of cashy, I mean everything. Down to eating a string cheese from the gas station on our way home from fairmont hot springs on Christmas Day. Yes even a string cheese reminds me of him. Sometimes I start thinking of him and its almost like I can't breath. Like my pain is so raw and real that it literally sucks the life out of me. Sometimes I wish it would actually. I wish it would just take me away. Take me to cashy. If it was that easy! But I know cashy would want me to be here to take care of sissy and big bro. They need me and they need their daddy too.
Most of the time im doing good, and i feel strong and then Sometimes I'm struck by this blinding wave of sadness and sorrow. I start second guessing everything, did we do everything possible? Did we just let him die right in front of our very eyes and we were just to blind or optimistic to even see that he was dying. God, we had such optimism and positiveness that he was going to over come this and change the world. We wanted the world to know his story and in hopes of finding a better way to fight cancer besides your basic surgery, chemo and radiation treatments that are your only options. But now his story does live on, he will never be forgotten. I know this. But my heart wants him here, I wish I could just get a do over right now. But what would I change really???? Nothing...... He'd still die. It's like that song, ( which I hate the song because its totally absurd) "if I die young".....the line where it goes "it's funny when your gone, how people start listening..." Well world, can you hear us....cashys dead, what will it take? Thousands of more beautiful children dead until people start really putting in the work and the research? It's a joke.

Our next door neighbor died a week after cashy died of brain cancer as well. Although he was 80 years old, it freaks me out that maybe there's something toxic up on our hill. Then I start diagnosing my other children with brain tumors. I know it's insane. I guess once a momcologist, always a momcologist. Lol.

On our way to fairmont hotsprings on Christmas Day we were cruising along and out of the blue a giant bald eagle soars across the highway right in front of us. It was beautiful and very spiritual and we all knew it was Cashy saying hi and letting us know he was with us. It made our week.
Bedtime is still the worst. Each night when mike and I go to bed, we lay there holding each other and usually one of us will start crying. It's awful, knowing cashy should be right in between us like he always has since birth. It's the worst feeling knowing that he was here and now he's just gone, Just like that, gone. Sometimes I start crying and I just can't stop, it's like I opened the flood gates and it's a full on monsoon. Crap, I hate it.

So you all might think I'm crazy, well I basically am, a little statistic for you, 51% of moms and 40% of dads suffer acute distress syndrome the first two weeks after a cancer diagnosis of their child. Well after two and a half years later my stress level and emotional instability is far from acute, it's chronic.
I got off of work my first night back after cashys death, last Tuesday am, and I'm laying on my left side with the baby in my left arm and were face to face (and she's nursing) and I'm just about asleep, kinda in that In between sleep. Well all of a sudden something literally taps me in the middle of my forehead and goes "hey", I opens my eyes and it was cashys face all hazy and misty in front of sissy's face and it instantly went away. Now I'm serious it felt so real. I smiled and went to sleep, I knew it was cashy and it left me with a calm zen feeling.
Our very sweet neighbors bought colty a three day ski camp pass at snowbowl for Christmas. So wed, thur and fri colty has been tearing up the snow and learning a bunch of new tricks on his new skis. He loved it!! Thanks John and Dana, you guys are so kind!
Colty number three on his Xmas list was "a bag of whoopie cushions". Lol, I know what freaking cool kid. So I bought him a regular whoopie cushion and "the fartenator", this is a remote controlled farting device. He's been playing with the thing nonstop. He thinks it's hilarious to trick people when they come over. He tells them that they need to check their undies. Lol. He's a character.

I couldn't find the remote control for the tv anywhere the other night and I'm searching everywhere, under the couches in the toy bin.... Well I digging in the couch and I pull out one of Cashys bug juices. Mike instantly started bawling, thus I start bawling as well. God I miss him so much, I just wish I could get another minute with him. To hold him, kiss him and tell him I love him. I hope he knows how much we all love him and how sad we are he's gone. He will never be forgotten.

We are really excited about the foundation and what is in store for us next. We've already helped a couple family's this Christmas season with checks so they could give their children a better Christmas. We're so happy we are able to help other families that are in s similar situation like we were the last two years. We know how hard it is to fight cancer and everything adds up. So it's a good feeling to be able to help out, and it's all because of People like you guys who donate that 20 dollars or that 50 dollars, it' all adds up to help out these family's that so desperately need it.
Our next big plans with the foundation Is we are going to Phoenix Arizona the end of January and we are donating 20 reggae runners to the Holsteins hospitals in the area. My best friend janess's dealership she works for is donating the 20 runners and were really excited to get down there and do this!!
Well I better get back to work as mommas and their new babies need me!! (Well not really, they just need their pain pills and their water filled, lol).

Thank you everyone who sent us cards, gifts and love for Christmas. We love you all and can't emphasize how much we appreciate everything that you've all done. We truly couldn't do it without all you'd love an support. Love you all!!!
One love!

Oh and I'm leaving this post with a very special picture of cashy and mikes parents after he passed. This picture is amazing because you can see numerous orbs surrounding cashy. It's an amazingly spiritual picture and I hope nobody is offended by it but its such a special picture and shows how his spirit does live on and it shows how his energy is just radiating out of him. It's lovely. And it's comforting to me despite all the sadness in it.
Goodnight Cashy, I hope your safe and warm, and Most of all happy. I love you to the moon and back buddy.

Monday, December 3, 2012

I'm lost without you Cashy.

Well it's almost been three weeks since you've been gone Cashy. We all miss you so much, the pain is indescribable. I catch myself expecting to hear you yell for me down the hall or I double take looking at your spot on the couch where you should be. I miss your sweet voice, your soft touch, your sassy attitude and most of all I miss holding you in my arms at night. Our bed is so lonely at night without you, you've slept with us your whole life. Now it's just a big empty king size bed.
The other night we had both Colten and the baby sleep with us. It made it feel a little better and less spacious. Colty needed it. He misses his brother. He has woke up the last two nights and told me he's been dreaming of you. He said that in his dream you were here in the house but I couldn't see you only colty could see you, he said you ran down the hall and came up to me and gave me a huge kiss and disappeared, but I couldn't see or feel you only he could. In His dream last night he said you were here on your spot on the couch and yet again only he could see you. He said you were able to talk so clearly and well. This makes me happy that your coming to your brother in his dreams. He needs that, he's so sad and it breaks my heart even more. (Which is almost impossible because its already broken into pieces).
We made it home from SLC on Tuesday night around 11. It sure was another long week without you. I swear if I watch that slide show of your sweet face one more time you might have to commit me to a looney bin. I do ok most the time but the second I see pictures of you and videos I'm a complete wreck.
Your funeral in slc was nice. Lots of your family and friends attended. Even our neighbors Nathaniel's and liems parents came to it as they were in slc for the holiday. John and Corinne flew in from Cali ad CJ flew in from Texas.
The minute I walked up to your grave site for your burial I got an uneasy feeling and seeing how deep the grave was (it was nearly 12 feet or more deep) gave me chills and a vomity feeling came over my stomach and i felt dizzy. I held it together though. Thinking of you being down there in that cold dark grave forever really made things real. That your gone and I can no longer see your delicate face or hold your sweet hand anymore. There is room in your grave for two more coffins and 5 cremations. Ugh, the thought of more people dying and being put down there with you is unsettling. The ceremony at the grave site was beautiful though, which I'm sure you know because I know you were there holding our hands. We released a bunch of yellow, green and red balloons and as they took off in the sky a beautiful hawk soared near. We knew it was you with us that very moment, flying free. Like a free bird. Mike played that song as we sat on the couch the other night and I just broke down into tears. Its like I literally cant breath sometimes. God I miss you so much. The reception afterwards was lovely and grandma and everyone made some delicious food!

Sunday night we went up to primary children's hospital where you lived for over 10 months of your life while we battled what ultimately took your life. We donated 6 reggae and rockin runners in your name buddy. It really hit home when we were up on the 4th floor and you weren't with us. I started crying on our way out thinking, crap I'd give anything to have you up there fighting cancer, even if it was you getting chemo again. I'd live up there again forever if I could have you back. Even though I know it's not what you wanted, and what kind of life would that be? I know your better off where you are, but that selfish part of me wants you here still fighting the fight. I left the oncology floor in tears and my heart in a million pieces. It felt good to leave a part of you up there again. I know you had a giant smile on your face and that you were so happy that your sissy tested and approved each of the runners. It's her new job now!

Now we're home, trying to get back in a normal routine. But what is normal without you here?? Nothing, I literally feel like I'm stuck in a Torture chamber, looking at all your pictures, your toys, your dresser full of clothes. I folded the last of your dirty clothes that' were laundered, no more washing your Jammie's on quick wash. Now we just have 4 piles of clothes when I do laundry instead of 5. It's just pure agony. I want so badly you to be here with us forever.
I put your medicine box on top of the fridge. I can't bare to throw it out yet and either can daddy. I even yelled at it the other day. The oil and everything was supposed to make you better, make you well. We thought we were beating this, you seemed to be doing so well compared to how you were in July and August. Maybe we were just in denial. But I truly never felt like I would lose you. I always had that positive attitude and perseverance to keep going and I definitely thought you'd be here for Christmas this year. Our first Christmas home since you were 1 year old. I wanted you to be here and experience it.
I remember last Christmas while in California we took you to see Santa at the bass pro shop, we waited in line and you were so patient and also not feeling well as you had received radiation earlier that day. When we got up to take our turn you got up out of the stroller and ran up to Santa and hugged him. It was so cute. Now this year our Santa picture will be missing your beautiful smile and your little sissy will be there. Maybe we will skip the whole Santa thing this year, makes me nauseated to even think about it without you. I love you buddy. I hope your safe.


We were brought the most perfect Christmas tree on Saturday morning by a friend from work, (thanks Jen! ) it was so sweet of her and her daughter to do, as picking one out myself would of been a waterfall of tears. So we set the tree up that night with Coltys buddy Owen who came for a sleep over. ( colty needed that, he misses his buddy Owen). I tried to hide my tears as we put up the ornaments. I found the most perfect ornament for him , it's a sock monkey with angel wings, seemed so fitting.

Everything just reminds me of cashy. Everything I see or do. I think of him every second of the day. I seem to be able to hold it together when I'm around people and even when we talk about Cashy I always am able to keep it cool. But when I'm alone, especially at home or in the car, I cry and I'm constantly telling you that I love you, that I miss you so much, and that I'm sorry that you suffered so much." I pretty much repeat that over and over. I hope he hears me but I hope he isn't sad that we are all so sad.

I get tears when I see things that he loved so much. Playdough and cars at target (Icouldn't even go down the matchbox cars isle) bug juice at the gas station. I even went as far as I bought him a bug juice on our trip to slc. Weird and silly I know, but it would of been more painful if I ignored it and didn't buy it and validated that he's gone. Ugh. It's all so new and raw and nothing seems right without him.

We even got rid of the minivan, mike felt it was just way to hard to be in. We let mikes cousin Jesse take it to help him get on his feet, he's got a baby boy and he needs to be able to see him as much as he can. I know that's what Cashy would have wanted, us to keep helping others even though we've lost everything.

So I'm really excited and grateful mike has worked so hard on building cashys foundation. He's done a great job. This wAy everything cashy went through will not be in vain and we can keep spreading pediatric cancer awareness as well as spreading our knowledge on cannabis as a valid form of treatment. Even though it didn't work for Cashy doesn't mean it doesn't work, we just need valid testing and research done so they can know exactly how much of a dose is needed and how often and ultimately different routes of delivery such as IV. The time will come and I truly believe because of cashy it will come sooner than later!