Well Christmas is finally over. I will admit that I'm glad it's over. I never in my life imagined that such a great family oriented holiday would cause so much heartAche and pain. I really don't think the pain will ever get easier. Maybe more tolerable but I don't think the pain and hurt will ever be any less. My heart has a huge empty hold in it where cashy belongs. I know technically he is in my heart but I want my tangible cashy, the boy who wouldn't let me get up to even go pee or make dinner, the boy who loved lounging on the couch and the boy who would bark orders at us around the clock.
Mike and I often joked about how we were his "bitch", and you know we were perfectly ok with it. I'd bend over backwards and balance bowling pins on my head if he wanted me to. I would do anything for that boy.
Putting up the Christmas tree for the first time since 2009 was really hard. Opening presents Christmas morning was even harder. Not heading cashys giggle or his cute little voice really hurts. I really had looked forward to being home with cashy for Christmas. I was so excited to have him here with us to hang ornaments, play the elf on the shelf game with him, have him open presents and just get to be a little boy that he really hadn't ever had much of a chance to be.
Sometimes I catch myself glancing over at the empty couch where cashy should be. Everything reminds me of cashy, I mean everything. Down to eating a string cheese from the gas station on our way home from fairmont hot springs on Christmas Day. Yes even a string cheese reminds me of him. Sometimes I start thinking of him and its almost like I can't breath. Like my pain is so raw and real that it literally sucks the life out of me. Sometimes I wish it would actually. I wish it would just take me away. Take me to cashy. If it was that easy! But I know cashy would want me to be here to take care of sissy and big bro. They need me and they need their daddy too.
Most of the time im doing good, and i feel strong and then Sometimes I'm struck by this blinding wave of sadness and sorrow. I start second guessing everything, did we do everything possible? Did we just let him die right in front of our very eyes and we were just to blind or optimistic to even see that he was dying. God, we had such optimism and positiveness that he was going to over come this and change the world. We wanted the world to know his story and in hopes of finding a better way to fight cancer besides your basic surgery, chemo and radiation treatments that are your only options. But now his story does live on, he will never be forgotten. I know this. But my heart wants him here, I wish I could just get a do over right now. But what would I change really???? Nothing...... He'd still die. It's like that song, ( which I hate the song because its totally absurd) "if I die young".....the line where it goes "it's funny when your gone, how people start listening..." Well world, can you hear us....cashys dead, what will it take? Thousands of more beautiful children dead until people start really putting in the work and the research? It's a joke.
Our next door neighbor died a week after cashy died of brain cancer as well. Although he was 80 years old, it freaks me out that maybe there's something toxic up on our hill. Then I start diagnosing my other children with brain tumors. I know it's insane. I guess once a momcologist, always a momcologist. Lol.
On our way to fairmont hotsprings on Christmas Day we were cruising along and out of the blue a giant bald eagle soars across the highway right in front of us. It was beautiful and very spiritual and we all knew it was Cashy saying hi and letting us know he was with us. It made our week.
Bedtime is still the worst. Each night when mike and I go to bed, we lay there holding each other and usually one of us will start crying. It's awful, knowing cashy should be right in between us like he always has since birth. It's the worst feeling knowing that he was here and now he's just gone, Just like that, gone. Sometimes I start crying and I just can't stop, it's like I opened the flood gates and it's a full on monsoon. Crap, I hate it.
So you all might think I'm crazy, well I basically am, a little statistic for you, 51% of moms and 40% of dads suffer acute distress syndrome the first two weeks after a cancer diagnosis of their child. Well after two and a half years later my stress level and emotional instability is far from acute, it's chronic.
I got off of work my first night back after cashys death, last Tuesday am, and I'm laying on my left side with the baby in my left arm and were face to face (and she's nursing) and I'm just about asleep, kinda in that In between sleep. Well all of a sudden something literally taps me in the middle of my forehead and goes "hey", I opens my eyes and it was cashys face all hazy and misty in front of sissy's face and it instantly went away. Now I'm serious it felt so real. I smiled and went to sleep, I knew it was cashy and it left me with a calm zen feeling.
Our very sweet neighbors bought colty a three day ski camp pass at snowbowl for Christmas. So wed, thur and fri colty has been tearing up the snow and learning a bunch of new tricks on his new skis. He loved it!! Thanks John and Dana, you guys are so kind!
Colty number three on his Xmas list was "a bag of whoopie cushions". Lol, I know what freaking cool kid. So I bought him a regular whoopie cushion and "the fartenator", this is a remote controlled farting device. He's been playing with the thing nonstop. He thinks it's hilarious to trick people when they come over. He tells them that they need to check their undies. Lol. He's a character.
I couldn't find the remote control for the tv anywhere the other night and I'm searching everywhere, under the couches in the toy bin.... Well I digging in the couch and I pull out one of Cashys bug juices. Mike instantly started bawling, thus I start bawling as well. God I miss him so much, I just wish I could get another minute with him. To hold him, kiss him and tell him I love him. I hope he knows how much we all love him and how sad we are he's gone. He will never be forgotten.
We are really excited about the foundation and what is in store for us next. We've already helped a couple family's this Christmas season with checks so they could give their children a better Christmas. We're so happy we are able to help other families that are in s similar situation like we were the last two years. We know how hard it is to fight cancer and everything adds up. So it's a good feeling to be able to help out, and it's all because of People like you guys who donate that 20 dollars or that 50 dollars, it' all adds up to help out these family's that so desperately need it.
Our next big plans with the foundation Is we are going to Phoenix Arizona the end of January and we are donating 20 reggae runners to the Holsteins hospitals in the area. My best friend janess's dealership she works for is donating the 20 runners and were really excited to get down there and do this!!
Well I better get back to work as mommas and their new babies need me!! (Well not really, they just need their pain pills and their water filled, lol).
Thank you everyone who sent us cards, gifts and love for Christmas. We love you all and can't emphasize how much we appreciate everything that you've all done. We truly couldn't do it without all you'd love an support. Love you all!!!
Oh and I'm leaving this post with a very special picture of cashy and mikes parents after he passed. This picture is amazing because you can see numerous orbs surrounding cashy. It's an amazingly spiritual picture and I hope nobody is offended by it but its such a special picture and shows how his spirit does live on and it shows how his energy is just radiating out of him. It's lovely. And it's comforting to me despite all the sadness in it.
Goodnight Cashy, I hope your safe and warm, and Most of all happy. I love you to the moon and back buddy.