Monday, December 3, 2012

I'm lost without you Cashy.

Well it's almost been three weeks since you've been gone Cashy. We all miss you so much, the pain is indescribable. I catch myself expecting to hear you yell for me down the hall or I double take looking at your spot on the couch where you should be. I miss your sweet voice, your soft touch, your sassy attitude and most of all I miss holding you in my arms at night. Our bed is so lonely at night without you, you've slept with us your whole life. Now it's just a big empty king size bed.
The other night we had both Colten and the baby sleep with us. It made it feel a little better and less spacious. Colty needed it. He misses his brother. He has woke up the last two nights and told me he's been dreaming of you. He said that in his dream you were here in the house but I couldn't see you only colty could see you, he said you ran down the hall and came up to me and gave me a huge kiss and disappeared, but I couldn't see or feel you only he could. In His dream last night he said you were here on your spot on the couch and yet again only he could see you. He said you were able to talk so clearly and well. This makes me happy that your coming to your brother in his dreams. He needs that, he's so sad and it breaks my heart even more. (Which is almost impossible because its already broken into pieces).
We made it home from SLC on Tuesday night around 11. It sure was another long week without you. I swear if I watch that slide show of your sweet face one more time you might have to commit me to a looney bin. I do ok most the time but the second I see pictures of you and videos I'm a complete wreck.
Your funeral in slc was nice. Lots of your family and friends attended. Even our neighbors Nathaniel's and liems parents came to it as they were in slc for the holiday. John and Corinne flew in from Cali ad CJ flew in from Texas.
The minute I walked up to your grave site for your burial I got an uneasy feeling and seeing how deep the grave was (it was nearly 12 feet or more deep) gave me chills and a vomity feeling came over my stomach and i felt dizzy. I held it together though. Thinking of you being down there in that cold dark grave forever really made things real. That your gone and I can no longer see your delicate face or hold your sweet hand anymore. There is room in your grave for two more coffins and 5 cremations. Ugh, the thought of more people dying and being put down there with you is unsettling. The ceremony at the grave site was beautiful though, which I'm sure you know because I know you were there holding our hands. We released a bunch of yellow, green and red balloons and as they took off in the sky a beautiful hawk soared near. We knew it was you with us that very moment, flying free. Like a free bird. Mike played that song as we sat on the couch the other night and I just broke down into tears. Its like I literally cant breath sometimes. God I miss you so much. The reception afterwards was lovely and grandma and everyone made some delicious food!

Sunday night we went up to primary children's hospital where you lived for over 10 months of your life while we battled what ultimately took your life. We donated 6 reggae and rockin runners in your name buddy. It really hit home when we were up on the 4th floor and you weren't with us. I started crying on our way out thinking, crap I'd give anything to have you up there fighting cancer, even if it was you getting chemo again. I'd live up there again forever if I could have you back. Even though I know it's not what you wanted, and what kind of life would that be? I know your better off where you are, but that selfish part of me wants you here still fighting the fight. I left the oncology floor in tears and my heart in a million pieces. It felt good to leave a part of you up there again. I know you had a giant smile on your face and that you were so happy that your sissy tested and approved each of the runners. It's her new job now!

Now we're home, trying to get back in a normal routine. But what is normal without you here?? Nothing, I literally feel like I'm stuck in a Torture chamber, looking at all your pictures, your toys, your dresser full of clothes. I folded the last of your dirty clothes that' were laundered, no more washing your Jammie's on quick wash. Now we just have 4 piles of clothes when I do laundry instead of 5. It's just pure agony. I want so badly you to be here with us forever.
I put your medicine box on top of the fridge. I can't bare to throw it out yet and either can daddy. I even yelled at it the other day. The oil and everything was supposed to make you better, make you well. We thought we were beating this, you seemed to be doing so well compared to how you were in July and August. Maybe we were just in denial. But I truly never felt like I would lose you. I always had that positive attitude and perseverance to keep going and I definitely thought you'd be here for Christmas this year. Our first Christmas home since you were 1 year old. I wanted you to be here and experience it.
I remember last Christmas while in California we took you to see Santa at the bass pro shop, we waited in line and you were so patient and also not feeling well as you had received radiation earlier that day. When we got up to take our turn you got up out of the stroller and ran up to Santa and hugged him. It was so cute. Now this year our Santa picture will be missing your beautiful smile and your little sissy will be there. Maybe we will skip the whole Santa thing this year, makes me nauseated to even think about it without you. I love you buddy. I hope your safe.


We were brought the most perfect Christmas tree on Saturday morning by a friend from work, (thanks Jen! ) it was so sweet of her and her daughter to do, as picking one out myself would of been a waterfall of tears. So we set the tree up that night with Coltys buddy Owen who came for a sleep over. ( colty needed that, he misses his buddy Owen). I tried to hide my tears as we put up the ornaments. I found the most perfect ornament for him , it's a sock monkey with angel wings, seemed so fitting.

Everything just reminds me of cashy. Everything I see or do. I think of him every second of the day. I seem to be able to hold it together when I'm around people and even when we talk about Cashy I always am able to keep it cool. But when I'm alone, especially at home or in the car, I cry and I'm constantly telling you that I love you, that I miss you so much, and that I'm sorry that you suffered so much." I pretty much repeat that over and over. I hope he hears me but I hope he isn't sad that we are all so sad.

I get tears when I see things that he loved so much. Playdough and cars at target (Icouldn't even go down the matchbox cars isle) bug juice at the gas station. I even went as far as I bought him a bug juice on our trip to slc. Weird and silly I know, but it would of been more painful if I ignored it and didn't buy it and validated that he's gone. Ugh. It's all so new and raw and nothing seems right without him.

We even got rid of the minivan, mike felt it was just way to hard to be in. We let mikes cousin Jesse take it to help him get on his feet, he's got a baby boy and he needs to be able to see him as much as he can. I know that's what Cashy would have wanted, us to keep helping others even though we've lost everything.

So I'm really excited and grateful mike has worked so hard on building cashys foundation. He's done a great job. This wAy everything cashy went through will not be in vain and we can keep spreading pediatric cancer awareness as well as spreading our knowledge on cannabis as a valid form of treatment. Even though it didn't work for Cashy doesn't mean it doesn't work, we just need valid testing and research done so they can know exactly how much of a dose is needed and how often and ultimately different routes of delivery such as IV. The time will come and I truly believe because of cashy it will come sooner than later!


  1. You are truly an inspiration.I am in awe of your strength. There is that old saying "There is no love like a mothers love", and you my dear are proof of that! You (and you're family) were Cashys Angels here on earth, now he is returning that watch over you all.

  2. My heart breaks for you. Please know I have been praying for you and your family for the past year.

    You have a beautiful angel watching over all of you!

  3. Beautifully written. Thoughts and prayers sent to the family.

  4. Heartbroken and desperately sad I feel your grief though I am miles away,your every word is telling,There are no words to ease your burden.But I believe Cashy is with you,they are not the imaginings of a child Colty knows childrens hearts are open to the magic of the world.Blessed Be

  5. My heart goes out to you and your family, in my thoughts and prayers to you all.

  6. Love the sock monkey angel. It's perfect. Sending prayers for you and Mike, Colty and Catherine. Cashys memory will live on in our hearts forever. Thank you for sharing him and his journey with the world. You are paving the way for a better treatment and cure of childhood cancer. Thank you. XO

  7. I know that everyone believes something different... but the dreams Colty has been having hit me kinda hard. A few years ago I lost my baby brother. I raised my brother and sisters and when I lost my brother, I felt like I had lost my own child. Shortly after his passing, I began to have these very vivid dreams. He would visit, and we would have conversations. He would give me hugs and comfort me. He'd answer my questions about death and dying and the afterlife. His answers weren't at all in line with what either of us have believed our whole lives... a fact I still find oddly fascinating... but the dreams were incredibly comforting and painful at the same time. A big part of me wants to stay there with him, wherever he is. I miss him more than words could ever describe and I feel like a piece of me is missing. But I'm comforted by the thought that he's still here... he explained to me in the dream that when people die they don't go away. I remind myself of that every single day. I replay his words. I see him when I close my eyes and he still gives the best hugs when he visits in my dreams. The only validation I have gotten has been hearing that my sisters have had eerily similar dreams. In this life... I don't know what to believe. I don't know what to think about the afterlife that awaits us... but I do believe that there may be some truth to angels walking among us, and that we'll get to see our loved ones again.
    I believe that Cashy is with you, by your side always, and he's letting you know when you sleep. I hope you are able to hold onto those dreams and find comfort in them, even if you don't believe they are anything more than dreams.

    Thank you for sharing Cashy with the world. I've been following your blog for a very long time and I can't tell you how appreciative I am for your postings. I feel like I knew Cashy, even though I never had the privilege of meeting him. He has touched so many lives in his short years and reminds us all that life is short and precious and fragile. He's such a beautiful boy with a beautiful soul and you're very lucky that you got to be his mother! <3

  8. My heart goes out to you and your family. The loss is indescribable, you are so right. The pain can make you shudder. Nothing seems to help. And it can't be explained. Just know so many care. Cashy is so beautiful. You can melt in his eyes. What an angel! Juliena Darling

  9. Ditto to what Elizabeth said. Dreams are sent from heaven. I thought maybe because Cashy had been fighting illness for so many years that it might take a little time before he could come visit your dreams. (It took at least six months for my grandmother to come through after she passed away at 91.) So I was so surprised and happy to hear he'd come to Colten already. That means he passed over quickly with no confusion about his body. And Colten got the first visit from his little bro since they're so close and Colty's so young and open. Cling to this faith, Kalli; Cashy is near you and happy. You did a great job raising him and as much as we all wish he were still "here", he worked hard on earth and deserves his reward in heaven.

    I never told you guys this, but after Mike called me about me donating Cruisers to our local cancer institute, he came to me in my dreams for two nights in a row. It was so real, he just showed up at my front door talking about Cash and cannabis. I kept saying, "You need to get back home. You've got a baby coming." (this was back at the beginning of June) So thanks to Mike's enthusiasm, I too was made bold and now I am one of hundreds of thousands of vocal supporters of cannabis medical research.

    All that being said...there are no rules when it comes to grieving. You do whatever you need to do to hold on. We are all pulling for you.
    We love you, mama.

  10. Mommy please don't be sad, I miss you so much too. It's beautiful here where i am...but I worry a lot about you. I sleep with angels watching me... there is only love up here. I am never lonely or afraid because God is so very near. I walk with Jesus every day, He is very kind and sweet....dont worry mom he holds my hand when we cross a golden strwet. I never cry or hurt myself, I see you every day. I play and laugh and sing a lot and I hear you when you pray. Please Mommy, don't be mad at God, you see .... He loves me so much too...And even though you are not with me, I am really still with you.