Sunday, December 30, 2012

As the world turns, mine is standing still.

Cashy I miss you so much that times like these I feel like just throwing in the towel and driving home from work and not telling anyone I left. I would never do that to my coworkers or my patients but man, seeing all these new parents with their new little bundles of joy, it hurts my heart, it hurts seeing little boy babies with black fuzzy hair and their little monkey faces. It hurts so bad.
You have inspired so many people in your short four years on earth and I know you will continue to do so. You will continue to teach them so many wonderful lessons about life. You will make this world a better place. You already have and I know this is just the beginning of so many amazing things to come. I promise to help you with the big job you have ahead of you. We can do anything together.

I’ve tried as best I can to go about my life but everything is still standing still. I have so many unanswered questions. So many emotions that people just don't understand. I think some people are even afraid to say hi to me in fear of making me cry or just because they don't have the slightest idea what to say to a momma who lost her baby boy to cancer. But I'm strong like that in a weird way, I don't cry easy in front of people. I let it build up, I can usually feel it hanging in my shoulders, the raw pain.... It builds up and leaves me very tense. I cry the best in the cAr by myself. It's usually a song that sparks the tears, as like I said before everything reminds me of you.
We've been watching all our home videos lately, videos I can't even remember taking. How sad is that, that I can't even remember much of what life was like before cancer. Before you became so sick, tired, and weak. The last video I watched, I watched by myself which was a good thing because I just cry and cry and tears flow like a waterfall. The whole disc was the few weeks before you were diagnosed and the first three rounds of chemo. It starts with you and brother playing in the bathtub. Man you were so full of life and energy and you were so beautiful, your long brown hair and your to die for eyes. You were the most perfect baby. How could someone so perfect and flawless get cancer? How does a child, my child get cancer. Then I start questioning myself and blaming myself. Maybe it was because I only breastfeed you for 8 months instead of a whole year, Maybe it was the toxic formula I gave you, or all the hormones they put in cows milk? Maybe it was the food I fed you (could it of been from a hot dog, we don't eat those anymore, let alone any meat), the candy I let you eat once in awhile, maybe it was the wifi we have flowing through our house, maybe it was the TV, maybe I let you watch Mickey Mouse to many times. Maybe it was the car accident I was in when I was pregnant, maybe it was the drugs they gave me to stop my premature labor after the car accident. There's so many possibilities that it literally drives me insane. I wish I knew, so I could do everything in my power to prevent your brother and sister from getting cancer too. It really scares me and I am constantly worrying.

In your four years of life, you were never scared of anything. Never. You were so brave and strong. I remember last year when we were doing radiation. We would get up every morning (yes it was a fight to get dressed) and daddy and I would take turns being with you. We would wait downstairs in that horrible hospital, you would either be in my arms or in your stroller waiting for your turn so they could sedate you and radiate your brain and spine. God you were so brave, everyday we would walk in and they would hook up your line with the Nasty white medicine to make you sleep. You would instantly be passed out cold, every time it freaked me out, the doctors and nurses seemed so scattered, and unprepared. I was always afraid to leave you, then I had to walk out without you and it felt so awful knowing what you were going through. How they would strap you down on your body mold and then put the mask over your face after they intubated you then they would screw the mask down to the table. It was the most horrible feeling having to leave you with strangers and having to trust them, when they gave me no trust to feel. I kept your radiation mask, I often go in your room and hold it, it's a perfect mold of your beautiful face. It fits so well right in my arms, your little head. My bAby boy. I hold your mask and cry and I talk to you. I tell you how sad I am without you, how torturous it is living without you. I kiss the the perfect mold of your lips like your still there, I run my fingers down and over the indentation of your little nose and your eyes. It's you, it's your face. It's all I have left to remember how perfect your delicate face was.

I miss running my fingers over your scar on your head from the brain surgery. The scar had calcium deposits all along it so it was bumpy and I loved running my fingers over it. It was a grim reminder of what a strong little boy you were. What obstacles you over came. There were so many. The most amazing obstacle was you being able to see again after you were blind for almost two months after the brain surgery. You were so scared and totally blind. I was scared too. How could someone possibly have a quality of life if they are blind. I could never grasp it and miraculously you were given your sight back. Thank god for that.
I struggle with the fact that you are safe and happy. How can you be safe if your not with me? Isn't that what a mommy is supposed to do, keep you safe from harm, keep you warm and happy? I have literally no idea what your doing. You could be walking the streets of Timbuktu for all I know, and that worries me. Being without you is not being at all.

I have yet to have a good dream about you. The first couple weeks after you died I had dreams of you, but you were dead, and we all were frantically planning your funeral, over and over. Like every dream we were planning another funeral for you. A nightmare really. I won't be satisfied until you come to me in my dreams and show me that your ok, that your floating on a cloud and eating cheese sammys until your tummy hurts, or something. Do you even need to eat in heaven?

It's funny what becomes important when things like this happen. Tv shows, magazines, books...even the news is a joke. Who Effin cares if snookie had a baby or that Lindsey Lohan is in rehab again, who gives a rats ass. What about all the innocent babies like you that are gone and dead from childhood cancer. If everybody cared as much about pediatric cancer as they did about the next trashy episode of teen mom, well maybe you wouldn't be deAd. Maybe little kiwi, or your buddy Dawson, or juju could still be alive if people cared more about this terrible disease that is killing our children, our future. I swear if I see another gossip magazine with one of those kardashian girls on it, I'm going to throw them all in a pile and burn them in the store. Is that what the world has come to......ugh.
Well I better make some rounds and quit blabbering on. I hope everyone reading this has a good day today and will you all kiss your babies for me and hold them tight. Get down on the floor and play Legos, lt them make a mess with playdough. Cashy wouldn't want it any other way. I'd give my heart (well what's left of it) to be able to play cars one last time with Cashy. Remember tomorrow is never promised.
I love and miss you more and more everyday cashy. Please come to me in a dream. I need this. To infinity and beyond buddy, to infinity and beyond.


  1. Oh Kalli, my heart & prayers go out to you. No mother/family should EVER have to endure what you have and are enduring! May God's peace be with you today & everyday! -Cyndi-

  2. Kalli, I read your posts and my heart hurts for you. I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I continue to pray fof you, Mike and the kids (especially Colty). Because of Cashys battle I hug my boys thighter, let go of my to-do lists more often to play with them with undivided attention, and sometimes just sit and watch them. Cashy made such a strong impact during his short time on earth and he'll continue to do so thur you and the foundation! Hugs.

  3. My son is 4 we followed Cash's story every day. I won't even pretend to know what you're going through; I wish I could take away your pain. I have no words that can fix this, but please know you are not alone. Not one day goes by that we don't think of you all. And every time I think of angels, I see Cashy's face. I believe I will forever. I don't have much to offer but words and all the virtual ((HUGS)) I can muster, and the hope that someday you'll find more peace than heartbreak. Bless you all and your AngelBaby <3