Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Bringing on the new year without you Cashy, just isn't right.

Well Cashy it's been a long, amazing, rough, sorrowful, sad, hard, happy, invigorating year for us. So many things happened in 2012. Good, bad and ugly things happened. I'd like to only remember the good, but so much of this last year has been bad, unforgettable, and utterly hard.
Last year at this time we finished up watching Disney's Toy Story on Ice in Rancho Cucamonga,CA then had a horrible dinner at the Red Lobster. You didnt eat a thing. We were trying to by our time left while we were wrapping up the last two weeks of your 30 radiation treatments that only kept you cancer free for a few months. All that torture and pain for only three months. I wouldn't trade those three months for anything as you were blessed with a baby sister and being a big brother. You were such an amazing big brother. You loved your sissy so much, you were always kissing her and wanting to hold her. Last year I was so afraid you would never get to meet your baby sister. It hung in the back of my head like the sound of finger nails on a chalkboard. The idea of losing you was so scary and it was my biggest fear. Well I lost you, I couldn't keep you here, we tried so very hard. But it wasn't fair for you to endure so much pain just for our pleasure of keeping you here.

Everyone is so busy being normal, happy and living life. It's like everyone has already forgotten about you. But really what do I expect, the ball not to drop in new york city tonight? sure, I'd be happy with that. But life goes on for others, and ours is so empty, sad and at a halt. Quiet, our house is quiet. To quiet.

This year has brought us alot of joy along with all the sorrow. Our beautiful surprise baby girl Catherine Joy was brought into this world. She wasn't planned by any means as I had preventative measures in place, well we thought they were in place. It was so exciting not finding out the sec of this little bundle. Deep down I kinda knew it was a girl but I didn't get to excited about it, i didn't even buy one girl outfit until she was born. That damn psychic I went to in January 2011. She was dead on. She had told me we were going to have a baby girl (which blew me away and I passed if off as her not really being a legit psychic) she told me that you were going to die, again my biggest fear, yet i didn't believe her, and she also told me mike was going to be a prominent public speaker, which he is. Most likely will never go to a psychic again, but I'd love to go to a medium. One of my best friends lyndsey (whom her mother passed away from liver cancer when colten was a baby, man it seems so long ago) and I really want to go see Theresa Caputo. She's the Long Island medium on tv, she is awesome. Her waiting list is a year long though. Mainly I just want to know if your alright and at peace, and most important if your happy.
Grandma Vickie had a dream of you Sunday. She said you guys were at our house and you were just playing like normal and it was like you weren't really gone. She said you were so happy and you were wearing your favorite blue monkey Jammie's. this makes me happy but also sad. Sad that your not here and that the reality is your gone. I hate reality, I want to just bury myself in my bed and hide from this cruel place called reality. I try to remind myself that I need to be making the most of every second of this life I live, and that I'm "lucky" to be alive, but I'm not feeling so lucky without you.

We fought so hard for your life cashy, to save you, to give you that childhood that we always wanted you to have. I think we fought harder for you than anyone has fought for their own lives. If I could of I'd of taken that cancer out of you and put it in me. I'd of preferred it be me rather than you. Sometimes I wonder If people really fully understand what we went through to try and save you, all the vomit, the blood, the tears, the overflowing shit (seriously), the medicine, the IV's, tube feedings....and so much more, yet being so grateful to be doing it all, because it meant life. Not death. I wonder if anybody truly knows how close a mother and a child grow when going through something like this together. How a bond is formed, unlike any other that exists in the world. I wonder if anybody can even imagine going through something like this only to have the love of their life, taken away from this world.
How is it even medically possible that you just died, your little heart just quit beating. I can't even fully wrap my mind around how that happened, and I'm a nurse. Not being on morphine or any narcotics, how is it that the cancer just took over your body, that you just slipped away, that it just ended your life like that, it's unfathomable. I get nauseated thinking about it, you must of been so scared, my brave little man.
Trying to go to sleep without you is the worst, I hate that when I lay down and try to sleep all the thoughts that linger in my mind creep in and take over. I try to think about you and all of our happy times. But I mostly just cry and wish that I didn’t have to wake up in the morning without you. I wish I could stay asleep forever and just dream about you. But I have yet to even have a happy dream about you. I wish I knew if you were safe and happy.

We have alot of great memories from 2012, as hard of a year that it has been, we also had some very memorable trips and fun times with you Cashy. We went to San Francisco and donated reggae runners for your 4th birthday, we went floating numerous times with you and your pillow and blankie in tow, we did trips to fairmont hot springs, you even went to a few minutes of a matisyahu concert, Michael Franti did a shout out to you at his concert in Missoula, we went to the farmers market several times and you got yourself a Elmo balloon that you loved, you played at the park several times. Skye pearls birthday party. You got to go trick of treating after picking out your buzz light year costume (which was a little to small, but it worked), up until the night before you passed away we were soaking at lost trail hot springs after you kept insisting we "go swimming". I wish I would of got some pictures that night of you, but you looked so sick and skinny and it was almost like you were giving up, throwing in the towel. I'm so sorry cashy, I'm so sorry for everything we put you through. My heart just aches without you. I hope your safe and warm and watching over us all. Love you buddy, to infinity and beyond.
Happy New year everybody, I hope you all have a prosperous year full of love, joy, and good times. one Love!


  1. My heart breaks for you. I will never forget Cashy. What a joyful little boy. Through all his pain and he was such a strong little boy. In my eyes he will always be my hero. I think of him often and your family and wonder how hard it must be for you. I have 7 beautiful granddaughters that are healthy and I thank God every day for that. Not that it is the same, but I lost a sister to cancer. She was 49 years old and I took care of her the whole time. She suffered so horribly and in the end the cancer had went to her brain, so it was very hard to communicate with her. It has been 5 years and I miss her so much. Cancer is a horrible illness and I have lost other family members because it. I commend you and your family. You did everything humanly possible for Cashy and right now he is an angel in heaven watching over all of you. My love goes out to you and your family. God bless you...Pam

  2. I will never, ever forget you guys - or Cashy.


    I promise to keep his story alive - and my memories I have of Cash.

    Love you Kalli......breathe


  3. Heaven Is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back (Paperback)

    I don't know you personally, but have been following your heart breaking posts for a while now. I sent the title of a book that might help ease your mind about little Cashy. It is the story of a little four year old boy who during surgery dies and goes to Heaven, it may help you know what Cashy is doing. My prayers are for you and I think of you all the time. Donna McCulloch

  4. We wont ever forget I think about you everyday Kali, I pray you get thrpigh this and again I am sorry you all had tp go through this, hugs to all of you

  5. Thinking of you, and sending love and light.

  6. Hello everyone! Beloved: I may not be in the middle of a world's battlefield, and/or in some Refugee camp yet I am here daily to exhort you and all that is sick in body and spirit! I thus, leave my heartprints of "healing" cuz God has anointed me above my fellows! Come everyone and join me in my FB page and let us exalt Father God through His Son Christ Jesus. I was so lost and I lost everything what I came here for in the "land of plenty" yet God gave me so much Peace from the day that He heard my cries in the "desert wailing wilderness" .... He instructed me, He also gave me teachers, He led me, He provided me with more than enough that I am picking up His Image as a Sower and a Giver! Most significantly, lately I talk His Talk and I am becoming just like His Talk!