Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving Cashy.

Today I struggle with what is there really to be thankful for? Today is our first holiday without you my sweet angel. It's hard to really even comprehend that your gone. I'm sure it will hit really hard when we go home and everything has to go back to normal. But what is normal without your? I don't have that answer. Your were are normal. We lived to care for you, we would of done anything for you, I still would. I hope you are here watching over us and listening to us all talk about how sweet yet sassy you were.
Tonight I sat alone and listened to some of your videos that are on my phone, just so I could hear your sweet voice. Oh how I miss it so much. Sometimes I feel like I can hear you yelling for me. Then I remember your sweet body is gone. No more meds, no more forced bathes, no more juicing, no more vitamixing, no more tube feedings, no more diaper changes, no more washing your monkey Jammie's in a rush, no more cuddling on the couch holding your hand, no more trips to Walmart in the van with you dancing in the back, no more buying cars or little boy pj's and little boy toys. What are we to do? Everything just seems so wrong without you. I'm so sorry we couldn't save you.
I miss you so much that there will forever be a hole in my heart for you. Until we meet again little monkey man, be safe and I love you. Please come to me in my dreams, I need to see your sweet face.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

RIP Cashy Michael Hyde 6/21/08-11/14/12

Well I've pondered what I would write on this blog now for a week. So many emotions, so many lovely people; friends, family, fans. We're now traveling to Salt Lake City, in a convoy of 5 vehicles the lead car which is carrying our little angel baby Cashy. Upon arrival we will be dropping him off at Starks funeral home, then on friday evening there will be another viewing and saturday a service and his burial. What a long hard week. My friend put into good words as sayings its like the movie groundhogs day except the worst day of your life.
Well last Sunday night we were growing more concerned with how much longer we had with our beautiful boy. He was becoming more stuffier and the antibiotics didn't seem to help. I want to emphasize that he was never was in pain, he was always comfortable. Four of the nights the week before Cashy was insisting on sleeping with his brother bed downstairs on the bottom bunk. They cuddled together most the night till 3am usually and then colty would come up and tell us cashy was ready to come back up to mom and dads bed. It was very precious and I'm glad colty has that as a memory with his brother.
Monday I worked a day shift for a gal who needed needed Monday off so she would work for me Thursday night. Mike said he just slept most the day, he did our usual ritual get him up and give him a bath, get him dressed, wash his monkey Jammie's on quick wash (only takes 15 min, thank you LG) while he screams at the washer for it to finish so he can have them back. But then we would have to dry them but he was usually ok with that as he didn't want to wear wet monkey Jammie's. He was such a character. So serious and adamant about certain things. It was always his way or no way, and you know we were ok with that, so was brother and even baby sissy.
Tuesday we packed up the minivan and all the kids and drove to Darby where we stayed at our friends John and Corinne's guest cabin. What a beautiful place. Cashy planted on the couch and we all hung out and chatted for a little while, colty and dad went on a four wheeler ride. We had talked about going up to lost trail hot springs, unfortunately they were closed but they said if we wanted to come still they would open it up for us. Cashy was always up for hot tubbing so after being there for a bit Cashy kept asking to go "swimming" so we all loaded up and drove to the hot springs and we soaked it up for a half hour our so, Cashy included, after 15 min or so he was ready to get out so I took him and we got dressed. We drove back to the cabin and I got the boys ready for bed and they snuggled together upstairs while mike and I talked with John and Corinne for a bit while I fed sissy. I stayed with kids, cashy and Catherine and I all went down stairs to the king size bed and we all snuggled up and cashy and I were singing songs, he sang the Barney I love you song, it was so cute, we giggled and laughed and went to sleep while I held his hand like he loved. His last night alive was not even in our home bed, in a beautiful cabin in Darby, MT.
We packed up and left in the morning, picked up a take out order of breakfast in lolo and headed home. We ate and then Gave cashy a bath with daddy, then he insisted brother get in with him as well. We forced him to brush his teeth, as it was always a battle with him. He was a strong little monkey, he could fight off that toothbrush like a ninja. Cashy then slept most of the day with waking up to eat Cheerios (which he hasn't ate anything in weeks) mike and Cashy laid on the couch and watch movies, mike tried to turn off the tv so they could just cuddle but he kept saying "movie, daddy". He wanted to listen to the movie and just snuggle. He even wanted to watch Sons of Anarchy, one of his favorite shows,( lol yes I know not the best kid show, but hey he was an old soul, he liked that stuff)! Around 2oclock he started breathing a little labored, mike gave him some extra oil and he dozed off peacefully and the labored breathing went away. Around 7pm the breathing started again and now it was a gasping type breath. Scared me so so much and ill never forget the sound, cashy started acting anxious. We were so unprepared for this to happen we hadn't needed any kind of pain medication throughout this whole process, well I panicked and though oh my god he needs morphine to help him pass away. I frantically called the oncall pediatrician which since I work in the hospital I got the number myself and called her, she refused to order cashy any morphine and she couldn't get ahold of his pediatrician, she told me I needed to take him to the ER. Which we obviously were trying to avoid. No more pokes remember. I was so appalled by how we were treated with trying to get some medication for him. I got dr Randall's house phone number from the gals at work and called him three times at home, after the third call his angry wife answered the phone "is this the hospital" I'm like no/kinda... I told her the situation and she goes well I guess I'll wake him up and have him call you, this was 9pm, not exactly that late. We gave him more oil and Mike and i took turns holding cashy, his last coherent thing he did was puckered up his little dry lips and Gave me the sweetest kiss ever. I'll forever remember that. Well he never called and Cashy quit doing the labored breathing again I passed him to mikes mom Julie so I could breast feed the baby because she was screaming. Well he started kicking his legs and you could tell he wanted Mike or I so mike came back and cuddled him on the couch. Well minutes later, I was standing in front of them and mike goes he's gone babe, I looked for a pulse amidst the tears and I didn't even need to know I could tell he was gone. So still, yet unbelievably peaceful. 9:55pm. Mike said he literally felt Cashy enter his heart, it started rapidly beating and a strong burst of energy and he was gone. Cashy was surrounded by over 20 friends and family while he took his last breath on earth in his daddy's arms. A selfish part of me was jealous that I wasn't the one holding him during his departure from earth but I'm really glad mike has that to cherish forever. Cashy has taught me alot of things throughout this journey and one of them is to be a better person and for that I am happy mike has that special moment. I brought him into this world (which let me tell you he made quite the entrance, from a cAr accident shile i was pregnant, a hearts are decels to having the cord wrapped around his neck twice and around his shoulder, and an abruption on the placenta, he never even required oxygen though, he's that big of a stud, lol) and mike held him on his way out, and that I am grateful for.
After he passed and we all caught our breath I gave him his last bath, we undressed his lifeless skinny, pale body and I held him up like a newborn in the tub and bathed him, washed his hair, and wiped his boogers (he would always say put it back mommy, so I would pretend to put back his booger) mike goes, put it back mommy. We all laughed with tears in our eyes.
Well 40 minutes after he had passed away 5 policemen show up at the door to "investigate" the unattended death,. So I'm going to say this, we had never needed hospice care, he was always comfortable, we didn't anticipate his death to happen this week, and I had honestly never thought about his passing away, I guess maybe we were in denial, or we were just always so positive and thought that he was going to beat this tumor. So they barged in, the city cops and county sheriff and the county coroner was there. They insisted we show them some proof of him having cancer so we pulled out his giant chart we had of hospital records and such (remember this is after he just died, I had just bathed his little body and we were still in utter shock) they took photos of his records and then we argued with them as the tried to tell us that they were taking his body, after he only had been dead a hour!! My mom started getting heated with them as they also argued with her and told her that he wasn't telling her how to do her job. They made me take his little body back to our room and I laid him on our bed. They undressed him and took pictures of his shell of a body. I bawled my eyes out in confusion, anger and how demeaning and uncaring this was to do to my 4 year old son who battled such a courageous battle for his life. They questioned me what his scars were on his face like I had done it to him or something. I explained in defense. Well after coming to a agreement after nearly an hour and half of them in and out of the front door, they went to their patrol cars and sat in them just a few houses down from ours. By the time they left his was stiff and hard, and rigor had set in. At 2 o'clock one of the officers or the sheriff I can't remember, called and said that he was reading through his rules and regulations and that "Cashy's body was their property" and that they could take him now if we didn't pick a funeral home and they would take him to the county coroners office (serious!!!), we decided garden city funeral home because they have a excellent rep in Missoula. So the sheriff came back and called the funeral home and over the phone we agreed they would come and pick up his body at 6am. Thank god, 4 more hours with my boy to hold him and lay with him in our bed for the last time. Mike and I snuggled and cried and held his hand we didn't even sleep. From 4oclock to 545 I sat on our bed with him in my lap and just talked to him and cried my eyes out. I told him how sorry I was that we couldn't save him, that he was so courageous and strong throughout all of this, I told him he was my true hero and how much i love his little spicy monkey attitude. At 645 the funeral director came and mike loaded his body on a stretcher and kissed him goodbye.
What a strange and awful feeling it was to not have to get up and give cashy his daily meds, his daily juicing, make a vitamix, fight giving it all to him because he hated all of it. The first day was a blurr of tears, extreme tiredness, but yet a sense of peace encompassed me knowing that he was free and no longer suffering. I can say from that instant now on I no longer fear death. I know now that Cashy will be there to greet me and all my fears of death and dying all flew away.
The last week has literally been a blurr of emotions, busy work, and planning the thing I had feared and dreaded most, a funeral for our sweet boy. Looking through thousands of pictures and videos just filled my heart knowing that he had a great life, we gave him everything we could, we tried so hard to save his life but god wanted him back. He was to precious and innocent for this earth. But it doesn't leave me without wondering, who is holding his hand, who is rubbing his back, who is there holding him now. I don't think anyone can care or love him more than mike and I. So many questions, so much heartache. My friend Michele put it right when she texted me today, that I probably have a sense of relief that its over and he is no longer suffering but also guilt because I do have that sense of relief. Then comes the tears again, and your so blind from tears and hurt in your heart alls you can do is smile and hope that cashy is with you helping you along. If it wasn't for all my friends and family this past week, I'd probably Be confined to bed and comfy pjs everyday. I was able to go workout yesterday amidst the tiredness and fog. That was nice. It's so strange not being tied down to the house like we were. There always had to be someone home with cashy. Now it's just us 4, not us 5 like it should be.
Cashys celebration of life was Monday, there were about 300 people who attended. It was an amazing beautiful service. We were blown away with the support our community showed our family. We are truly blessed with such great friends and family and people who cared for our amazing little boy of steel. Thank you everyone who attended and helped out. We appreciate everything everyone has done, the flowers, the meals, the cards, helping with the ceremony, the Cashy's cranes, the slideshow, the ceremony handouts, and so much More and most of all, the prayers. We couldn't of done any of this without all your help and support.
Yesterday was definitely a down day, quit around the house. We wrapped everything up in Missoula and then prepared for the next ceremony this weekend. I said goodbye to my best friend who was up here the day after he died from Phoenix, thanks Janess for all your help, I love you so much. My other best friends lyndsey and jacque were here sat and helped us dress him and prepare his coffin on Saturday. We dressed him ourselves in his little tuxedo and big boy underwear (even though he wasn't potty trained, if it wasn't for cancer he would be). I keep telling mike he's probably pissed off as all hell wearing a tuxedo, he wants those monkey Jammie's. lol. But then mike reminds me when he was healthy he loved getting up every morning and getting all dressed up and ready to go.
So now were still driving to SLC about 2 1/2 hours to go. This has been a amazing beautiful drive even though its our first slc trip without him in the back doing his fist pump to the music. I miss him so incredibly much, it's impossible to even explain it in words, is how ill put it. Our bed is big and empty. Lonely.
I'm so glad I took so many pictures, there's so many memories. We will have those forever. Tonight hold your babies close and kiss them for us. Ill update again after his next ceremony. Thanks again everyone, we are truly blessed to have you all. Sleep safely Cashy, I love you so much. I hope your happy and running free. One love!

Sorry if your offended by the picture of him in his coffin but we want people to know what childhood cancer looks like, and this is reality and seven babies die everyday.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Charging along, one day at a time.

It's been a couple weeks since I've updated this blog, man time sure does get away from me. We're constantly going going going.

Cashy has been doing really well these last couple weeks. He's adjusting we'll to the oil again, he's been wanting to leave the house quit often, "go with daddy," he says. He's all about getting in the van or dads truck and going for a ride. He started this new obsession with wanting to go to the gas station for a "bug juice" (they are these awful sugary drinks for kids in a little bottle with a lid that can close and open), im not sure where this came about but thank god he doesn't even drink them at all (talk about growing cancer) he just insists on going and getting one, but he doesn't even Take a sip of them. So now we have bug juice bottles all over the house. Yuck. But anything for our cashy! He's spoiled rotten.

The other day he insisted that mike take him to Walmart, he picked out a CArs racetrack toy that cost like 40 bucks and he only played with it for a few minutes. I swear! You can't say no to that child, or it's a complete shit show! Ohwell, I'd buy him the whole damn toys R us store if I could!
Well last week I kept asking him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he would yell and me and say, No! So I didn't push the issue, if he wanted a costume I'd get him one. Well last minute on Halloween he decided he wanted a costume and NOW, and he wanted to be BUzz lightyear and he wanted to get Candy!! So mike dropped me and sissy off at Coltys school Halloween parade and he took him to the Halloween store and all that was left was a 12-18 month buzz lightyear. He's so tiny that it actually fit him, it was a little high watered on the legs though. So he dressed up that evening and we took him and sissy to 4 houses until he said he wanted to go home, he got out and walked up to each house and said trick of treat, and got his candy. He was so dang cute!! Sissy too! Brother colty took off with the neighbors and tore up the neighborhood.

Halloween is my birthday (the big 3-0 this year, ahhh, I don't want to say that to loud) so after the trick or treating, mike and I and a bunch of our friends went out on the town. We will just say we all had a little to much fun that night, and we weren't feeling so hot the next day! ;). I had to work that next night too! It was a long night!

Cashy is still stuffy but now he's got the green bloody tinged boogers, and it's been a month since the stuffyness started. His pediatrician seems to think its his tumor growing, but I know it's a sinus infection, so we are trying out some antibiotics with the hopes that it will clear things up and not hurt his stomach to bad now that we have his stomach back on track. It seems like once you get one thing under control something else backfires and reverses everything you've done. He started rubbing his cheek last week where his sinus's hurt and hd rubbed it raw and now ix continuing to pick sf his face, non stop, so he has three little scabs on his cheek that won't heal because hE keeps picking the scabs off. I'm ready to put socks over his hands and tape them! if his sinus's don't clear up, then dr Randall will put in a referral for a visit with an ENT (ear nose and throat doctor) for "comfort measures" Consult. I don't like those words, they make me think of death and dying. He's comfortable right now, so that's not a problem, he's just stuffy. We're staying as positive as we can. Nothing can bring our spirits down, even though sometimes I just wanna break down and cry and say why cashy, why Cant colty just have a little brother that wants to play and run around, what About Catherine, will she get to grow old with her big brother? It's not fair, and frankly it's heart breaking to think about even. But how much more can your heart break when it's already broken into a million pieces? I try not to do that pitty party stuff to much though because negative thinking doesn't get anyone anywhere. It's easy to get side tracked and think of the doom and gloom, but you just can't do that when your fighting cancer. You can't. You have to keep your head up, a smile on your face, and tAke each day like its a blessing from god. Which it really is.

Sometimes I wonder why there is so much pain in this world? Why do kids have to suffer like this? The average family doesn't even know what this kind of pain even feels like, not even the slightest, and I hope none of you ever do.

Cashy is so funny with how he lets us do his daily routine/cares. He delegates things to everyone on his own terms, no set way or person. If mike or I go to give him his meds, well he wants the other person to do it. Same with diaper changes and tube feedings. He will say brother do it, sissy do it, and yes even the dog irey do it. The other day I had to have irey help us change his poopy diaper. It was very interesting but we got it done! Lol. The other night cashy was insisting that Mike bring him a glass of water, but he had to hand it to me first then I had to hand it to him. He's so goofy I swear. Thank god we have each other to help out, because it gets exhausting! All the demanding, it's tiring on a person!

The last three nights cashy has insisted on going to sleep in brothers bunk bed with him. It's so cute! They're all cuddled up together. He stays in there until about 3 am then he's ready to come back to "moms and dads bed".
He still fights us really hard on the tube feedings, but he's getting a little more tolerable with it. Oh and another great vomiting In about a month!!!! Well except for one time when his tube feeding got pushed in way to fast, he threw it up, but no morning vomiting which is always a sign of the tumor. His eyes are still looking good too. Once this sinus infection clears up I'm positive he will start being on the move again. He' is up and walking around more often than he was so that's Always a good sign too.

Mike and colty have been out hunting hear an there, mikes been dealing with his truck, I swear it's one thing after another with that thing. My bestie Janess came up from Phoenix for my birthday weekend and my mom threw me a dirty thirty birthday party up at a cabin on seely lake there was 9 of us ladies and we had a friggin blast, such a blast that we were all asleep by 1 am. Lol. Baby Catherine joined us and got held and passed around all night. It was a good time, thanks mom for throwing me a blast of a party, even though I'm an old lady now and thank you janessy for flying all the way to celebrate! We even got a cashy inspired best friends tattoo!

I started doing Bikram hot yoga this weekend! If you don't know what it is, if is a 90 minute yoga class in a 105 degree temperature room, it's effin hard, but it was so relaxing (after I got past the part of nearly passing out from heat exhaustion, lol) such a god workout though!! I am still sore from the few times that I've gone, gonna go again when I get up today!! I love it!' It's so relaxing and really puts your mind at ease for those 90 minutes and you walk out a fresh yet sweaty person ready to take on the day!

So This is our third holiday season fighting cancer! Three years now about! We're excited to actually have Christmas at home this year! No smelly hospital or tiny Ronald McDonald house room, our own house!!! How exciting! I'm totally going to play the elf on the shelf game with the kids this year! Last year it wouldn't of been very easy to hide the elf in our little Ronald McDonald house room. So this year it's on! The kids will love it! Ill need some ideas ladies on where and what to do with this elf! I still need to pick one up! Lol.

Well I've probably missed some things but I'm working in the NICU watching a whole slew of monitors In case the babies do something naughty with their vital signs. Not a fun job to do for 12 hours, ugh. So boring and the beeping is driving me crazy. Its actually like a bad flashback of the PICU days with Cashy. Sitting watching the monitor and hesitating and having your heart sink at every beep you hear. God I hated those days!
Well everyone hAve a nice Wednesday!! Soon I will be sleeping! Thanks for all your continued support and prayers everyone, we couldn't do it without you guys!! One love!