Well, we are coming up on three months since your passing Cashy. It's not getting any easier, just more tolerable. Everyone tells me, "ohh it gets easier as the time passes." I call bullshit on that. Sometimes I feel like saying, really? Did your kid fight a cancer battle of a lifetime for two and a half years, did they get poked, prodded, radiated and poked again? And ALL for what? So we could keep you here with us?
I am grateful for the time we did get with you. But I think as the days go by, the pain gets worse, but it's tolerable pain. Like a normal, tolerable pain. As tolerable, I mean, I can drive to the store to get groceries without crying 60% of the time. You were my shopping buddy, my partner in crime, my buddy who sat behind me doing the fist pump to the song “pumped up kicks,” or you would be in the back squealing as we went over the big bumps down the hill on Garrett Street. You loved that. I remember one of the last times we went over those big dips you didn't really enjoy it, I looked back as we went over it and you had this look like you were holding on for dear life with a sort of ‘nauseated’ look on your face, that was one of our last trips to Walmart. God I miss having you, my shopping buddy, with me when I'm at Walmart. I hardly ever go there now. I just can’t bare it without you. Those last few months with you, you were so funny how adamant you were about going to Walmart to get either, playdough, markers or stickers. We had to drop everything we were doing to go to Walmart, right then. Sometimes we went twice a day. Daddy enjoyed taking you to Walmart too. I can't even type this without bawling right now. I wish I could take you one more time, just one more ride in the car, one more ride in the shopping cart, one more big kiss on your soft lips. I miss you so much, I want to snuggle your little body and squeeze your little bootie. I miss every little thing about you, I feel like I'm stuck in this giant awful world forever without you. It hurts so bad.
I had to take a break from writing this to dry my eyes and collect my thoughts. It's funny how most the time I’ll be completely fine, I’ll be able to talk about you to people, especially when I'm at work, I often find myself talking about you after I get the dreaded question, "how many kids do you have?" I always say three, and sometimes I’ll go into detail about you, mostly after feeling out my patient and deciding if I want to even go there with them. Most of the time all my patients have heard of you. You’re a local celebrity around Missoula! Sometimes they haven't heard of you so I tell them all about you and how brave and strong you were.
We've had a few busy past couple of weeks. That's what I like, to keep busy. Because when I slow down and breath, or look at your adorable pictures I get nauseated, I get dizzy and I realize holy shit, you’re really gone aren't you… I do better when I'm busy, when I have tasks, lists, and projects to finish. Our latest project is packing up stuff around the house little by little. During this two and a half year struggle with you, we also struggled with bills and money. In June, daddy and I made the decision to quit making the mortgage payment so we could focus on caring for you and getting the medicine we needed to try to save your life, and most importantly keep you comfortable. It sure costs ALOT to keep a steady flow of oil around, even for a 21 lb little squirt like you! So the house is going up for auction and foreclosure March 25th, which is getting close. So we need to wrap up our decision on what and where we are going to go. The old me would have been freaking out and having a nervous breakdown about this, but the new me, ahhh I'm not scared! Bring it on world!
I applied for a nursing license in the state of California, will this be our next adventure in life!?? I don't know. The thought of moving out of Missoula scares the crap out of me. I was born and raised in Missoula and the only time I've not been in Missoula was when we were fighting cancer with you. I have learned to adjust that's for sure. But moving away!! That's just scary! But I know you will guide us the whole way, so I'm not scared one bit!
So Wednesday night the 23rd of January we headed back up to Corinne and John’s cabin in Darby, Montana. We had Mike’s buddies Dan and Troy and Colten John with us and we went skiing the next day at Lost Trail Mountain. On our way there it was dark but as we were driving to get to their dirt road, along beside us a giant bird was soaring right beside the car, we were like, “holy cow what is that!!??” Well, it sat up on the fence post and just disappeared, and then as we're taking our turn and going straight all of a sudden there is that bird again, it was a giant white and grey owl!!! So beautiful and pure, it literally looked us in the eye again and then flew away. Crazy thing is your daddy had a dream you were an owl!!! Just another confirmation you’re with us in spirit.
The next day was such a nice ski day!!! Sun was shining and we all tore it up! until daddy and his clumsiness fell while trying to stop and look for Colten, who was behind us all. He fell and hurt his shoulder pretty bad. He had to ski down to the lift then up to the next lift, where he then had to go up two different rope tows with using only one arm, momma felt bad for him.
Well, that next day we flew as a family to Scottsdale, Arizona where my best friend Janess and her hubby Jamison (our website guy) and their lovely little terrorizer of a daughter Slade live!
Janess works for Infiniti of Scottsdale car dealership and they sponsored 10 Reggae Runners to donate to their local Children's Hospital. So we got to build them in their big showroom, there was over 20 adults and kids there to help. It was amazing and so much fun. Then we took them to Phoenix Children's Hospital and got to deliver the runners to the oncology floor. It was so much fun, immediately there were two boys (that were obviously too big for the cars) that kept trying to squeeze themselves in them. It was fun to watch! Lol.
This hospital was amazing, lights that changed colors all over the floors, giant chandeliers hanging. It was beautiful! You would have loved this place, for a hospital it was dang cool!
Thank you Infiniti of Scottsdale and all your employees who took the time out of their day to come and help out by putting the cars together, mounting the IV poles and then stickering them up. We couldn't thank you all enough for helping spread Cashy story! We're changing the world, one Reggae Runner at a time!
Janess and I got our toes done the next day and we all went to Dave and Busters and played some games. Colten was in heaven! Sladey was too, lol! We went home bright and early that Monday morning. I hate having to say goodbye to friends and loved ones. :( Love you guys!
We got home and organized ourselves for the week to come. I had to work that night we got back. But it wasn't so bad.
Last Friday we got the pleasure to meet with a medium and a clairvoyant healer. This was such an amazing experience I won't even be able to explain everything, but it was such an exhilarating experience. Basically, you are around us all the time (Which we already knew that).
She told us you weren't in any pain, you thanked us for using the oil to control your pain, and that we did a good job with that. She told us that you come to us in colors and in smoke (like incense or sage, we often burn both throughout the day). She told us that you sit on the end of our bed in a turned manner, she said you said that your older and more mature now and you don't need to lay in bed with us, you want to give us privacy now. Lol. That made us laugh, as you can imagine having a 4 year old in your bed, you get clever in ways to have "adult" time. Lol. You told us that you come to Colty often and talk to him, you told us he's ok and he's going to be fine. That makes me happy. You told us to go "south" which confirmed that maybe we do need to move to California. You also told us that you are so thankful for the foundation and that we will be helping thousands of children by what we’re doing. That makes us feel so good. You also told us that cannabis IS the cure to cancer, but it will have to remain an underground thing as the government doesn't want a cure for cancer. That's the whole goal with the foundation, to spread pediatric cancer awareness and to tell the world your story. I hope we can make you proud buddy. I could have sat and talked with the medium about you all day long, 45 minutes went by way too fast.
I'm just very thankful to have been able to do that. It was life changing and confirmed everything we had already known, that you’re forever with us in our hearts and our souls. I love and miss you so much buddy.
So after the medium we packed up and went back up to Darby that evening with the kids and Colten's friend Sierra. We stayed Friday till Monday afternoon. It was so relaxing; we blessed the full size teepee with some sage and had a nice fire in it. We watched movies, we lounged and wore sweats all weekend.
Sunday we got ready and drove up to Lost Trail Hot Springs where we soaked in the hot pool for a bit. So I'm sitting in the hot tub and I hear a mom yell, “Cash come here!” I turned and said, “Mike, that little boy’s name is Cash,” he looked about 4 years old. I thought that was really neat. Well, not even 10 minute later another family walked in with a little boy about 4 years old wearing Cars swim trunks, your favorite! I now hear the other mom say "Cash" then the first mom goes, “oh wow, there are two Cashys here today!” Now I'm like WHAT??!! In your 4 years of life, I never ever ran into another little boy named Cash, now there are two and can you believe Johnny Cash is playing on the radio??!! We were baffled and I actually got all teary eyed. It was like you were saying, “Yeah, I'm here and I can swim and play like a normal little boy again.” So were sitting with the family of the second Cash and turns out he had an older brother named Colten!!! How Effin ironic is that!! I was blown away and again Cashy you have out done yourself.
So I carry you with me in my heart Cashy, forever and always. It's crazy to think how far we've come in life. Where we are now and where we used to be. Somedays, I'd give anything to be sitting up in that hospital room with you fighting cancer, because it would mean you’re alive, fighting. But then I remember how unfair and selfish that is, how could I be so selfish that I'd want you to be in the hospital with IV’s and chemo dripping? I'm not gonna lie, I've pondered it a lot. I've also thought about how you left us, I've thought about how it looks like we just let you die. Like we just gave up and quit treating you. I hope you don't think that's what we did. I hope you know we fought so hard for you, we tried everything from the inhumane cancer treatments to the natural approach. That cancer was just too powerful. That evil evil cancer. Sometimes you just have to say it, “Fuck you cancer.”
We have met so many inspiring people since we have taken this journey with you Cashy. I know it's your plan. Out of all the cliché sayings in life, the one that now holds the most meaning to me is, “to live everyday to the fullest, because as I have now learned, life can be over in the blink of an eye.”
It shouldn’t be this way, but it is. As much as I hate to say this, life is suffering. As much as I am angry at what has happened to us, the fact of the matter is, it has happened and no amount of anger, sadness and bitterness is going to bring you back. Our outcome, our life of losing you, will never change. I have no control of that but I do have a little control over the way I choose to live my life now. I don’t want to be “the mom,” who lost you and who let it destroy everything. I don’t want to be looked at as “the mom,” who can’t survive this. I want to be looked at as the mirror image of you, someone who possessed such strength and love. Who took on the world with such fire and passion and who never gave up.
I’m not done with this world, as I have too much to fight for. I feel like I was put here on this earth to be more than what I am. I feel like you will help me achieve this, as there is now a fire that burns inside of me even as I sleep. I’m not completely ready to face the world, but I feel a little more ready than I felt a couple of weeks ago. Bring it on world, what could possibly happen that could be worse than losing you. My precious boy that I carried in my womb, that I loved and cared for like nobody else could.
I try to keep my sanity by working out 4 days a week or so... Spinning class is still my favorite. We listen to the latest hits and take commands from the instructor. Lol. As my friend Brooke would say negatively, "who wants to listen to someone's playlist and get yelled at for an hour?" Lol, I love it, I really do think it keeps me mentally stable. Haha.
That night after the visit with the medium, I had my first vivid dream of you. It was short but wonderful. I was chasing you on the beach, we were running along the shore and you were laughing and running, you had your black North Face sweater on, and your jeans rolled up to your knees. I was running after you in the water, and that was it. Short but sweet. Then the amazing thing was, I woke up and checked my Facebook account and I had a message from a friend from work Olivia. She is the one who did your hand molds after you passed (I still don't know how you were able to do that Olivia, but I praise you for that, thank you thank you, you don't even know how special it is to us. It's the most special thing to have. It's like holding his hand in real life). So her message was that she had a dream of Cash and I and we were running on the beach together. How crazy is that???!!! Well, probably not crazy at all to you. So thank you for that Cashy. I love you buddy.
So we were contacted by a group out of Michigan called Michigan Compassion. They raised enough money to put your picture and our foundation logo on a billboard on their super busy highway in Detroit!! We're so excited about this! It's so awesome!!! Now what other cancer patient has their own billboard sign!? None that I know of!!! You rock Cashy! Thank you Michigan Compassion and all the sponsors that helped donate! So kind and heartfelt of you all.
With that, I must end this post. So much has happened and so much will continue to happen by you all continuously spreading Cashy's story! He's a true saint that boy.
Love you Cashy, sweet dreams wherever you are, I hope you’re safe and warm. I love you to the moon and back and infinity and beyond buddy. One love. :)