Thursday, May 9, 2013

Dear May, oh how I loath thee.

Dear life...why are you so hard? Why do you have to pull at my heart strings (or lack thereof from sadness and grief) and take them in every direction…literally every day? Haven't you had enough? I have.  


For some reason these past few weeks have been extremely hard without you here Cashy.  You would think as time passes, my heart would be use to the sadness, the pain and being without you here. It's not easier, it's worse.  It's almost like I have risen out of the fog that I've been living in these last 6 months and now things are clearer, and things are clearly wrong.  


Wrong as in our family…we are a family of 5, not 4.  Wrong as in your big brother has lost a buddy and no longer has you to play with or teach bad things too.  He doesn't get to run around the back yard with you, he doesn't get to help you learn how to ride your big boy Spider-Man bike without training wheels.  He doesn't get to have a partner in crime like he should.  He should be taking you down to the gully below our house so you guys can run through the creek and get your shoes soaking wet like he does by himself now.  He should be showing you how to kick a soccer ball and score a goal (or I could show you that, mom’s an old pro--haha).  He should be helping you learn how to read by reading you books before bedtime. He doesn't get to do any of this; he has lost his best buddy, his side kick. 


We always talk about how you would be doing certain things if you were still here with us.  Such as, if you were still here you'd still be sleeping in-between daddy and I in bed. You and Sissy both.  Instead I now occupy the pillow you once laid your head to rest every night.  I don't get to fight over who gets "mommy's Blankie" now, It's always just waiting there for me instead of you snuggled up with it.  

I think a lot about how I should have been able to sign you up for kindergarten this year.  Next month you would be turning 5 years old.  It's amazing and so unfair to think, life can change so fast, in the blink of an eye.  I don't think reality will ever fully set in that you’re gone forever. That no matter how hard I wish, hope, pray, and beg to hold you or kiss you again, reality is I won't be able to. I only have your pictures and memories left.  You would never imagine how even the blurriest of pictures is a blessing to me.  I'm glad I never erased all those blurry photos that I took twenty times just to get one good one of you smiling.  I cherish each and everyone now.  Since the first of May I've been trying to post a different picture of you every day in honor of Brain Cancer Awareness month, ones that most people haven't seen.  But I start looking through the pictures and all I can do is just bawl my eyes out as the sting of you being gone resonates throughout my whole body leaving my heart numb.  I stare at these pictures looking at every detail of your sweet face, your angelic body.  How was I so lucky to have even gotten the time I did with you? But why couldn't I have had more? 

Your documentary is coming out into theaters really soon, the debut is June 6th.  We will be heading to SLC to help promote and be there at the premiere.  Then daddy will fly to Texas the same weekend for the premiere in Dallas on June 8th.  It will be playing in Missoula on July 25th as well, at the Wilma! We will be there with bells on selling bracelets and shirts.  Everyone should come and be there for this and help support Cashy’s legacy! If you’re not there I’ll be pissed!! Haha! It's a phenomenal documentary and you are the star Cashy! This documentary is the sequel to "American Drug Wars," a documentary you can find on Netflix.  It's going be huge and soon everyone will know your story Cashy.  Here is the link to the trailer: (you might have to copy and paste it)

Well last weekend your brother and I ran in theColor Me Rad 5k race here in Missoula with a bunch of new and old friends, we were Team Cashy of course! The raddest team of all!  The race was a blast and it felt good to get out there and run and throw colored chalk around. Your brother had fun too, but he was a little slow!! Haha.  He needs to get his butt in gear and start getting ready for hunting season!  So a big thanks to Michele Steele for organizing team Cashy, it was great to have gotten to meet all of her friends.  They all seemed like such great people, just like she is.  Love you Chele.  Thanks as well to Staci Manaraska for making all the ladies our reggae tutus, we all looked so fabulous!  Thanks for your hard work babe! It was nice to get out there and laugh a little bit!



Daddy worked hard today and finished up 4 more Reggae Runners that we will be donating to Sacred Heart Hospital in Spokane, WA this weekend! It's always exciting to go and donate some runners; it helps keep a smile on our face, knowing that we’re putting smiles on sick kid’s faces. It's such a good feeling and I hope you’re proud little buddy. 

Sissy is getting so darn big, she is walking all over the place and getting into everything.  I swear her middle name is baby danger!  Haha.  The other day I heard a picture frame break and I went running, found her and she's holding a giant shard of glass in her hand.  Geez, luckily there was no cuts.  Then the other day she was all tangled up in the vacuum cord, even around her neck twice.  I swear!!! Yesterday mike had left the downstairs door open and I come walking out to see her standing at top of stairs looking down, luckily again, she didn't go a tumbling down.  

Brooke and I rode bikes down Pattee canyon, by the new house yesterday.  It was a blast zooming down the road on a pedal bike again, I felt like a kid again!! Brooke was freaking me out though as she is 7 months Prego zoomin down Pattee on her cruiser bike, haha.  It was all good.   So we got a crazy idea and daddy went and bought us a mountain bike at Wal-Mart and he hooked a baby seat to it for Sissy.  So now while I’ve been at work, the boys and Sissy have been cruising downtown and around Missoula on their bikes the last two nights.  I can wait to join next time!! Hopefully I can make it back up to the house, uphill isn't the easiest on a bike!! Haha. Here is a pic of sissy eating an ice cream cone from the DQ on one of their rides. 

So at work tonight, about 6 hours into my shift I was in the room weighing a baby, changing his diaper and checking his vital signs.  I asked the mom, "So what's this little guy's name?"  She answered, "His name is Cash, Cash Michael." Same middle name and everything.  Whoa, I was speechless and got a little auseated and hot flashy.  I got flustered and I had the baby naked to weight him, but in the flustered-ness I put his clothes back on and forgot to weight him so I had to retake everything back off. Lol, oh man I wasn't sure how I felt about it.  I was overwhelmed with emotion. She said they hadn't decided if they were going to use a K or a C for it, (in my head I was like, K K K).  I left the room after finishing my tasks.   Went into the med room and couldn't hold back the tears.  Ugh, twice now in a row I've been crying at work. I hate crying in front of people, I hate to show weakness.  I know the name Cash is a pretty dang cool name, but man, hearing that this baby was a Cash Michael just like you; it broke my heart but made me smile at the same time.  I want my Cash Michael back.  :( 

My little Cash monkey boy and big brother Colty. 

Next week Daddy and I are going to San Francisco to visit John and Corinne (thanks for flying us down guys!) and daddy is going to be talking at a conference and we will be running a booth for the foundation.  I’m excited to get out of town for a bit, but nervous to leave Sissy for three nights.  She is still nursing, so I will have to be pumping.  Ugh!  Oh the joys of motherhood! ;) 

The last time we were in San Francisco was with you buddy for your 4th birthday where we donated 10 reggae runners. I miss you so much bud.  

Well, the entire month of May sucks and to top it off May 6th is "bereaved Mother's Day.”  I got a message from a fellow friend, who's also lost a baby herself, not to cancer but to childhood infant death syndrome (such a tragedy) saying it was national bereaved Mother's Day.  So now I officially hate May even more.  Real Mother's Day is coming up and I'm not even looking forward to it because Mother's Day is a day where you celebrate being a mother to your wonderful kiddos, but how can it be wonderful when you’re not here.  


The hardest thing is Knowing deep down that I'm a mother of three kids but only two are alive with me now.  My baby boy is gone because of cancer, because of that nasty Effin disease that is underfunded for pediatric research, but yet I learned last week that the government can spend nearly a million dollars a year on researching how snails have sex.  No joke.  How snails have sex???  It's disgusting and I'm ashamed to even say I'm an American if this is what it's come down to.  Snails having sex takes priority over thousands of kids dying each year.  Fuck you American government, when will our kids take priority?  Who knows, but until then people will keep shaving their heads (not my boys, their growing their hair OUT for cancer, lol); people will keep donating their money to charities that only help themselves and not the kids. When will the kids be more important? After all they are our future right?? 

Well Cashy, I'm going to go, I hope you’re happy, safe and warm.  I miss you so much and love you to the moon and back. 


Cashy Fans: 

Here is a recipe for some yummy zucchini.  Slice zucchini in half, cut end off to stabilize, brush with olive oil or coconut oil, top with garlic powder.  Top with sliced tomatoes and salt and pepper to taste. Then layer with mozzarella cheese, and add fresh basil on top.  Bake at 375 for 20-30 minutes!  So yummy! 

Here is a yummy potatoes recipe also, except instead of butter and olive oil use coconut oil (much better for you and no cholesterol) you could even use sweet potatoes instead. Yumm!


  1. Ouch. i Love you guys Kalli. i wish you were coming to Colorado for the movie. Thank you for all you have done and all you continue to do. One Love. Monkeyboy to infinity and beyond.

  2. I think about you and yours every single day. I wish I could ease your pain. I pray for you each night. One love~ T (SLC)

  3. uhg. i always read these.. in sections. i start crying too hard to read the words. and the end put me over the top. me and my boys say "to the moon and back" every night.
    ove love
    strongest family ever you guys are.