Christmas #2 without my Cashy.

Cashy- (sorry I wrote this yesterday and couldn't get it posted)

Its been so long that I've written you, that i'm worried i'm at some kind of writers block or something.   I feel terrible that I haven't written, please don't think i've forgotten about you, beacuse that is the opposite.  I think about you constantly, every second, minute and hour of the day, there isn't a time that goes by that you don't come across my mind.  

Questions that come across my mind such as, what would you be doing at this very moment?   We always think of you when something funny happens and we know you would of gotten a kick out of it.  We think of you when sissy is acting stubborn and we get these quick glimpses of you shining through her very own existance.  She resonates so much similarities with you that its so uncanny.  The way she yells at me "Noooo!"  It sounds just like you.  Sometimes I sit and hold her feet and hands and visualize that im holding you, this part of me wants you back so bad that at times I just pretend im holding you, just for a moment, it feels so right.  Sissy feels so right.  She is such a blessing to our family.  She keeps us grounded and keeps us going.  without her and Colten we would be a complete mess.  I know that your so proud of your baby sissy, I have a feeling you come to her and tell her things to do to be naughty.  I just know it.  

Alot has happened in the last few months.  I just finished up my 3 months of Labor and Delivery orientation. After being a nurse in the OB unit I finally got to finished up my oreintation (I had got into 8 of the 12 weeks of orientation when you were diagnosed with cancer in 2010, so my orientation was put on hold).  It seemed to have gone by so fast this time.  I did 8 weeks of day shifts and then back to my usual night shift for the remaining 4 weeks.  Im now a real labor nurse!  Its alot of information and liability, but I know I'll be really good at it once I get into the swing of things.  Ive learned alot thanks to my fabulous preceptors Kris and Jessica.  They showed me the ropes, and now im on my own.  My second night on my own (last night) I came onto shift and my patient had a precipitous delivery (meaning the baby came so fast the doctor couldnt' make it).  Thank god for the charge nurses to help me.  We had to deliver this baby without the doctor and sometimes it can get scary.  The baby did good though and everything was fine, after my adrenaline settled down.    

Some people ask me, how I am able to come to work and watch new babies be born and see all the happiness going on.  I think, why would I be saddened by peoples happiness and joy?  Seeing moms hold their new babies for the first time, and dads shedding tears when they hear that first cry, it gives me strength and hope, and makes me feel like there is good in the world.  But sometimes I also get that awful feeling in my stomach.  But to put that smile on my face it's easy, I did it three weeks after you died, but inside my head sometimes I'm screaming. I can't help but think will this child be one of the 46 children diagnosed a day with cancer someday? Will this baby live a full healthy life? 

Ive come to realize that you can't live life that way. Expecting the unexpected. Dreading the worst all the time. Thats no way to live and I know you wouldn't want me to either. But how can you continue to have a smile on your face and be happy when your insides are like hot lava ready to explode with grief at any moment. Cashy I hope you feel my never ending love and respect I have for you. You are truly my hero and I will forever be in your debt as you've taught me more in life than anything else in this world. You taught me strength, you've taught me unconditional love, you've taought me patience, and perseverence, you've taught me how to live life to its fullest and to never take one minute for granted. Its easy to do. You can get caught up in things that aren't important and when that happens I know your there to show me the right way.

We also shared our exciting new with the world that you are going to be a big brother again!  Hyde baby #4 will be due July 5th, 2014. Of course im thinking it will be june because you and sissy both came a month early. 4 babies, isn't that just plain crazy???!!  Im not to scared though because I've had three children to take care of when you were here, granted it was very very hectic taking care of your needs and a new baby, but this should be a peice of cake for us.  We found out on halloween (my birthday) that we were pregnant.  Want to know something else crazy, we found out we were prengant with you on halloween in 2007.  I didn't even realize that until Grandma Vickie pointed that out to me.  Something about that seems magical to me.  You arrived June 21st, 2008.  My summer solstice baby.  We are all very excited for the new addition, despite being constanty tired and neauseated alot, it is started to subside and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  

I never would of imagined having to send in a finalized copy of what we want on your tombstone. My own baby. The life I had given you, was so easily taken Away.  And now it forever engraved into a headstone. Your Birth and death date, with not enough time in between. It's so final and forever permanent. I looked it over 40 times, to make sure it was perfect.  I cried after I signed the peice of paper that makes your engravements on your tombstone permanent, I did that 2 months ago. I cried at the fact that your not even in Missoula for me to visit and see. Sometimes I get upset at the fact that I agreed to have your body laid to rest in Salt Lake City forever. I hope your not upset about that. And even creepier thought is that the other half of your tombstone belongs to people who aren't even gone yet. Like we're planning for them to die. Great Grandma and grandpa will be buried right next to you. So someday you'll have some company. Hopefully not to soon or anything. Look over and protect your grandparents for me would you. I know grandpa Jim is part cat and has 9 lives, but after 5 heart attacks and two quadruple bypasses, things can get a bit hairy now and then.   

We went to Salt Lake City for Thanksgiving this year mainly to see your nice and shiny tombstone.  Its beautiful.  I cried seeing it, and I cried as the reality of it sunk it.  That your gone, and this peice of stone is all thats left to represent your earthly body.   We had a great time in Salt Lake visiting family and goarding ourselves with Grandma's delicous cooking.    Grandpa Jim seems to be declining in his health,  he even took a fall on the concrete outside and was so stubburn that he wouldn't even go to the hospital to get checked out.  He reminds me alot of you.  How you were so stubborn and set in your ways,  you guys are spitting images of eachother.  Grandma told us Grandpa has a really hard time going up to see your tombstone.  She said he instantly starts to bawl and she thinks he feels guilty that your gone and hes still here.  It breaks my heart that he feels that way.  But its true, little boys shouldn't die before their great grandparents.   

Sissy pulled out your bin of mAtchbox cars the other day and today we pulled out your big lego blocks, sissy loved them. I stumbled upon the cars and had a minor break down knowing that it wasn't you that pulled out those cars to play with. I wish it was. I'm still counting on waking up from that bad never ending dream that I'm in. The one where you died. What a fucked up dream....when you just can't wake up no matter how loud you scream. Can this really be reality? A reality without my boy, my heart? I don't even know how my blood can circulate. Am I even alive?

I had the most awful dream the other week.  I literally woke up crying and shaking.  I dreamed that I was holding you while standing, you were so weak and frail.  So much more sick in this dream than you ever were in real life here with us.  I was holding you and pleading with Mike that we must do something.  We must save him, I kept saying.  I remember telling your daddy about a drug they use for brain tumors called Avastin.  its not a chemo, but it somehow slows down the blood flow in the blood vessels that feed the tumor.  This drug was presented to us when you were diagnosed the third time, Dr. Bruggers offered avastin and tomodor to try to buy us more time.  We declined and thought that we had this in the bag using cannabis oil, a organic whole food diet, jucing and every natural supplement god made.  Boy were we wrong.  So in my dream Im pleading with Mike to let us try this new drug on his while continuing to use high dose cannabis oil.  I was crying, I kept saying I couldn't let you die, that we needed to save you.  I woke up in tears, greatful that I was able to hold you and thankful that you were never nearly as sick as you were in this dream, but shaken by the reality of the dream.  The reality that your are already gone, and there is nothing more we can ever do to save you.  Your gone. 

Big brother Colty's christmas concert was last week.  He did so good singing up there, he looked so handsome.  It was bittersweet seeing all the cute children singing and dancing.  But it also brought so much raw emotion to my heart seeing the little kindergartners getting up there and stuttering their words as they sing the songs they worked so hard on to remember.  You belong up there singing and dancing to.  I couldn't help but feel a sting of jelously and resentment seeing them.  I miss having you here.  I miss so much about our life with you.  This new life without my baby boy is so hard.  

The anniverary of your death was hard.   Its so hard to believe that you've been gone a year already.   We had a nice get together at our house with family and friends in celebration of the life you had and shared with us.  Daddy ordered a 15 pound prime rib from Diamond Bar meats.  We hardly ever eat meat but if we do its Diamond Bar meat or Elk meat.  Yumm, they lather the meat in this delicous seasoning thats to die for.  So many people recognized your life that day, we had letters, messages, flowers were sent, cards.  Everyone was so amazingly kind.  I wish we were celebrating another Cancer free Cashy party instead of your deathiversary.   Its all so surreal.  That your gone and never coming back.  So we had a fire in the teepee in the backyard and then we lit off some of those chinease floating lanterns that we ordered for your birthday but were unable to light off then as it was way to windy in San Francisco (Im really not a huge fan of that cold windy place, ill stick to my roots here in Missoula.  Is it ever nice weather in actual San Francisco???), we lit off around 20 of them and it was beautiful!  Im pretty sure you were there guiding the lanterns to safety so we wouldn't burn down Pattee Canyon!  I hope you felt the love that everyone has for you buddy.  You are so loved and greatly missed.

I came across some of your old shoes the other day.  Tears instantly filled my eyes, but a smile came across my face.  I miss little boy shoes, little boy clothes, and most of all my little boy.  there were your monster booties and your crocs you high jacked without me knowing from Bob wards our local sporting good store.  Thats a great memory of you, even though you are now labeled a "shoplifter," haha.   I was pushing you around in the cart and I stopped to look at the crocs because you sure loved those kinds of shoes.  You nonchelauntly grabbed a pair (somehow your perfect sized pair) and took your shoes off and threw them down and put the new ones on without me even noticing until we got home.  I was to embarresed to take them back, plus I knew you'd be mad If I did.  Sorry Bob Wards,  its your karma I guess for firing me when I worked there in highschool and had to miss a saturday shift because I had a soccer game.  Hello priorities!  

A couple weekends ago we threw a fundraiser for a little girl named Aleisa Snow.  Shes almost 2 years old and is battling neuroblastoma.  We had a spaghetti feed, silent auction and Jewel Marie Photography took professional photos with Santa Clause for a donation.  This was our first spaghetti feed/auction that we've thrown for a family on our own.  We weren't prepared the best but it all worked out and we raised $2100.00 dollars for her and her family so they could have a wonderful stress free christmas.  It sure felt good to know we were helping a family in need just like we were helped when we were in need nearly 4 years ago and everyone came to our rescue.  I knew your were proud of us all for coming together to help a family in need.  Thanks to everyone who donated items, who donated their time and energy, we couldn't of done it without all of you.  

Daddy showed up with a new puppy about 7 weeks ago.  Hes a english bulldog and the cutest most well behaved thing ever.  We named him Bruce.  and when you say Bruce, you have to say it like the shark in the movie finding nemo......"Hello, my name is Br--uce!"    I knew you would like that!  The name fits him well.  We had a slow start with potty training and he kept insisting on pooping in sissy's room on her pink shag rug.  I almost had a nervous break down about all the poop and he must of caught on because he hasn't really had any accidents since, and that was around 3 weeks ago!  He was initially sleeping in his kennel at night, well daddy fell for his whining and let him sleep on the couch, now he thinks the couch is his perch and insists on sleeping on the couch all day long. Its pretty cute, thank god though that he can't get on our bed!  he's to short to jump up!  The other day he had a stand off with the doe in the back yard and he pretty much won.  He ran that deer right out of our yard.  Hes becoming quite the guard dog!

So now were gearing up for Christmas eve at our house with the whole (both sides) family coming to celebrate tonight.  Its hard to think about how everyone will be together and having a care free fun night but you won't be there to celebrate with us.  To open presents.  Your last christmas alive we spent it in loma Linda California while you had to undergo 30 radiation treatments day after day for 6 weeks.  You were so brave and strong.   I've never known anyone stronger than you.  Your strength and perseverance amazed me everyday, its still does to this day.  Im so thankful that we have have the memories we have that last christmas with you.  Missoula came together for us and got us a hotel suite for 2 nights with a christmas tree in the room waiting with ornaments to decorate.   We snuck out of the ronald mcdonald house without actally "checking out" (which is a big no no, but it was a huge process to get checked back in once checked out), and enjoyed the four of us (and sissy in my belly), we actually went back christmas eve to the ronald mcdonald house where a nice family put on christmas eve dinner for all the families, it was beautiful.  You boys were able to actaully decorate a tree that year and it meant alot to us, more than anyone will ever know.  Thank you to everyone who helped put that on for us.  We truly appreciated it so much and still do to this day. 

I can't help but wonder what you would be into this year. Would it still be matchbox cars? Would it be trains?  Would it be army guys, or star wars characters?  Would it be playdough still?  Or Toy story??  Or would you have found a new fascination now as a 5 and a half year old boy?   I can't help but wonder.  I miss you buddy.  I miss you so much its hard to even put into words the pain I feel everyday in my heart without you.  I lost a son, my baby, my second born....to brain cancer.  who would of ever thought this would be my path in life, that losing my love of my life would mold me into the person I am today.  I would of never imagined this life for myslef  or my family but Im truly greatful for the time we've spent with you even though it was short, it was sweet and amazing.  I love you to the moon and back Cashy, to infinity and beyond, forever and ever.  I hope your opening presents up in heaven and having a huge celebration with all the other little boys and girls who've been taken to soon.   I long to see you and hug you in my dreams again.  I love you.  

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Merry Christmas to everyone who's been a part of our journey the past almost 4 years, we are truly blessed to have met so many inspirational and amazing people throught this journey.  We couldn't thank you all enough for everything you all have done.  We love you all. One love.

Our friends and family in Salt Lake City were able to get enough donations of toys to take 100 bags of toys and two new reggae runner trucks to primary children's hospital and the Shriners hospital in honor of our sweet Cashy.  We are truly blessed that people are still taking action and honoring our sweet boy and his legacy.  We love you all.