Sunday, September 16, 2012

Laying here in bed with Cashy, he is insisting that I "go ny ny" with him, well he has all day. Id love to just sit and lay in bed and snuggle him all day, but then again nothing would get done. Where is the time to clean the house, breastfeed the baby (believe me it is time consuming, she'd be ok with sitting on my nipple all day long) cook my healthy children and husband dinner, homework with Colten, giving colten ( god knows colten is my neglected child, i need to spend more time with him) and cat attention and my hubby too ;), and also try and get a workout in as well (it's my mental vacation, even if it's only an hour).

Cashy keeps me extremely busy, and believe me I wouldn't trade it for the world. With morning meds, making fresh juice, keeping his oil dose in him every three hours, his supplements, hooking up his tube feedings because he won't eat a thing, (and believe me it's all a fight with him, most times he insists his baby sis give him his meds instead of me, yes it's interesting but we improvise, then we have to pretend to take it out, because he gets pissed and says "take it out" we pretend and he's content with that), more meds in the evening along with more oil and supplements.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I wasn't cut out for this job, like maybe I'm not a good enough mom to have such a special child like cashy with cancer , all the responsibilities and worrying, and sweat and tears that come with having a child who's battling a life threatening disease. Well I'm thankful to the lord that I am Cashy (and Colten and cats,)mom and I wouldn't want it any other way but I question if I'm really good enough for such a special boy. Maybe nothing I'm saying really makes sense, I run on minimal sleep.

Every mom wishes the best for their children. They hope for good health, and happiness and they want to give their children everything that they want. But what happens when you can't make everything better, you can't take their pain away, you can't just put a bandaid on it and kiss it all better. Isn't that what a mom is supposed to do, take away their baby's pain? What if you can't? How do you cope with that as a mother. I still don't have that answer, after two and a half years of battling this horrid beast, I still don't have that answer. I want to be able to fix him, make him that same little boy that he was two and a half years ago, but reality is he wont ever be the same. The effects of chemo and radiation are unfathomable, they have wreaked havoc on my baby's tiny body. He hasn't really even grown all but a few centimeters since we started chemo two and a Half years ago. He's a measly 22 pounds at 4 years old. He frail and pale and really tired, really really tired. It breaks my heart to see him so lifeless and wounded. I wish I could just rip that tumor out of his brain and throw if away or take it and put it in my head. He doesn't deserve this, no child does. Fuck you cancer, fuck you. I'll scream it at the top of my lungs. But it won't change anything. Children die everyday from this retched disease. It's not fair, it's not right and reality is big Pharma really doesn't want a cure for cancer, they want our loved ones to be diseased and sickened, it's all a money making scheme at the expense of our loved ones. It's a sad fucking reality and I hate everything about it.

Just lost my angry train of though, Cashy threw up, I made it fast enough and caught it with a bowl, only a small amount on the monkey Jammie's, damn I'm good. But really no mom should have to be "good" at catching vomit on time. Seriously. Fuck.
Man I love this little boy so much, words can't even express the love I have in my heart for him and all my babies.

His eyes are moving weird, the right one turns inward and then will move back and forth really fast. It scares me. Mikes so optimistic about it all, he's always like "man his eyes look good today," I'm thinking, are you insane, their crossed and twitching weird. They don't look good to me. But then again it could be the DCA that he is getting, it's a neurotoxin. Reality is its probably the tumor pressing on the optic nerves. But we're trying our hardest to be optimistic and believe he is getting better. But I'm worried he's not.
Talking with a gal from work the other night about all of this and how we believe his going to get better, she mentions how everything we do or when people see me its always, "how is cashy doing?" she goes, "it'll be so weird for you eventually when he is gone," because we're always so consumed with cash and that's what people think of when they see me. I dont think she wAs trying to be hurtful, but It hurts to even think that it's possible that he could be gone someday. I think about it alot and my stomach churns and makes me dizzy and nauseated. The thought of having to bury your own child. It's gut wrenching.

Colten John turned 8 years old yesterday, him, mike and uncle Grady and Dan are out trying to kill that trophy bull! I hope they can get one in the am! Colty is such a good kid, he didnt even want a big party he wanted to go hunting! What a man already! I'm making a cake for his arrival tomorrow.

Thank you to Christian Redhli and brittney Painter, and Sarah Bledsoe for putting on today's garage sale for Cashy and the foundation! They raised almost 600 bucks!! Thanks so much for your hard work ladies!! We love you guys!! We couldn't do it without everyones support.
Well enough tears and doom and gloom for the night. I'm gonna cuddle my little love and fall asleep holding him tight. Goodnight all. Sweet dreams.


  1. You're more than a good enough mom; you just want the best for your kids. Right now, A LOT is being asked of you, more than your fair share to be sure. That alone could cause a person to drift away into a sea of self-pity, but VERY STRONG people (like yourself) are able to redirect themselves and adapt over and over again. You are doing an excellent job.

  2. I do not know you, but we have a mutual friend (Heidi) and I KNOW you are an EXCELLENT MOTHER! There is only so much that YOU can do. There are many things that are simply out of our control. As a mom myself, I hate that reality too.

    I recently lost my 21 year old daughter to a very tragic accident this summer; and I have watched my children suffer from one issue or experience after another for all of my years as being a mother. I understand, all to well, that feeling of helplessness; and the destructive torment of self-condemnation for my inability to 'make it all better' for my girls during their times of suffering in life.

    I pray that you will find your strength in God's love and comfort; that you will see your value, worth, and amazing qualities as a mother - through his eyes; and that he will fill your mind, heart, and soul with PEACE that surpasses all our human understanding as you continue to endure and press through these trying times - as the great mother you are!

    God gave you Cash (and your other children and husband)KNOWING that you are perfect for him (them)!

    Believe that; and KNOW that God - though it does not always seem that way; or feel that way - is ALWAYS with you and your precious family.

    God Bless your heart, your precious little man, and the rest of your amazing family!

    You are all in my deepest prayers!