It's 3 am and I'm sitting here at work, it's so busy here in OB that we had to open another two whole units, because our new OB/labor and delivery unit won't be done for another month (so they say a month, but I'm guessing it will be longer) i got a little panicky and anxious thinking about things.
I'm thinking about how any of these parents who just added a new baby to their family, or are parents for the first time ---these parents could experience exactly what Mike and I are experiencing right now. Tomorrow is never promised and cancer has no rules, it doesn't care about age, or race, or if your a new parent or a parent of 3 or 4 children. Honestly I would never say I'm done having children because I have my "healthy" children and that's all I need. Because you never know what could happen,. No one is ever guaranteed tomorrow. Not that you would ever want to replace a lost child but health is never promised.
When this journey was laid in front of us over 2 1/2 years ago, I had never realized how many children and family's are affected by this horrible disease until we were thrown into this battle unwillingly. It truly opens your eyes to what really is important in life. The nice house, the nice cars, none of it really matters at all if your child is battling for their life. What matters more than your kids? Your own flesh and blood? Nothing. It's all material things that can be taken Away and brought back. But If your child dies, you can't bring them back. Your heart will be missing a piece as long as you live.
My heart is missing a piece, there's a hole in it where 4 year old healthy Cashy should be. He should be running and playing with his brother, learning to ride a bike without training wheels, Climbing trees and skinning his knees and running the neighborhood with Colten and all the neighbor kids.
Whenever I see 3-4 year old kids, I'm always so in Awe how big they are and how well they talk. I think, wow, Cashy should be 40 some pounds and talking really well. But he's 22lbs and talks about as much as a 2 year old. It breaks my heart. Mostly for the fact that he hasn't had that chance to grow and prosper as a normal child.
He was all signed up for head start this year, we went and met some teachers and saw his classroom back in may, Cashy was so excited to go to "school" that day, even if it was just to heck things out, he wore his backpack that day and filled it with markers and crayons. He was so excited for it. I kept saying to myself and mike, man I hope he is well enough this September to start school and even if it's for just a half a day a few days a week, I was thrilled for him to start learning and getting on with life past cancer. A part of me knew it wasn't going to happen but I had all the hope in the world that it would.
Cash has been wanting to get up more lately, he likes to go for rides in dads truck and moms van. We went to the home coming parade with grandma and the cousins on Saturday. He was ok for a few minutes, he mainly wanted to go get candy, even though he really didn't even want to eat it. We left shortly after arriving but I was happy that I was able to get him out of the bed and dressed. Him and cat the went to grandma Julie's while I got to get away for a few hours and attend the griz game, even though we lost, if was good to take a break and visit with family and friends. Thanks for the ticket Jan and Rich!
We decided to take Cashy off of the DCA. We decided that cannabis has so much more to offer than the DCA and with its side effects, such as muscle weakness, vomiting and risk for neuropathy, we just decided against it. We did 4 full weeks on it though. The cannabis oil is everything every cancer patient should have, its a anti nausea, antioxidant, neuoroprotectant, antibacterial, anti pain, anti seizure, and most important anti cancer. So back to the basics again. There's so many promising studies emerging with cannabis shown to stop metastasizing cancers and to ultimately cause apopotosis to the tumor itself, basically it eats itself from the inside out. So we're still praying this is working!! He's comfortable, not in pain, so that's all that matters. That my baby boy isn't in pain. Sometimes he complains of his eye hurting and he holds his hand over it. Which breaks my heart.
Colten and mike got out hunting again and this time took grandpa Jim along with them. jim was able to shoot a deer with his bow and Colten was right there by his side, helping him gut it out! Yuck! Colten was very excited! It's good to see him so happy and full of life. I wish that for all my babies.
It's Mikey's birthday today! The big 29! We're getting old!! Haha. I'll be 30 next month on Halloween! Ahh! Hard to believe we've been together since I was 18 and he was 17. It's been a LONG interesting road of ups and downs, but somehow we always prevail and make the most of it. I wouldn't want to share this road with anyone else, he's my rock and he keeps me grounded and even when I'm down and feeling defeated he's alway there with a positive attitude to keep me truckin along. Even if it's spending Christmas in the Ronald McDonald house thousands of miles away from home, we've made the hardest of hard times memorable. I love him so much for that. Happy birthday baby. I love you! I know exactly what you want for your birthday wish, as mine is the same. I never would of thought 12 years ago when I met you in Mr. kucera's class (with your big black afro, and your tinted glasses) that we'd have three beautiful children, and one who's battling cancer for the third time. Why we were given this journey I don't know, but I do know one thing, that this has made us stronger and better people today, and I wouldn't change that.
I'm still feeling terribly guilty being at work. What is a mother to do? My gut instincts say to stay home and cuddle that baby like he wants me to and never leg him go. But I feel like he's still well enough for me to keep working. Is that selfish of me? I dont know. We still have bills and such that need paid. Pretty much just power, water and phone, screw everything else. Like I said none of it matters.
But when I'm gone for 13 hours I feel so sad and guilty that I'm not there holding his hand like he likes me to do, or snuggling him in one arm and trying to feed baby girl in the other arm. It's such a special feeling to be loved by your babies, to know they need you more than anyone in the world. It's a huge concept, and I love knowing that their ours and no one else's. Our own little breed! :)
Well everyone have a good week and keep our Cashy in your prayers. He's maintaining so that's all we can ask for! Love you all. One love!