Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Like you knew it was your last kiss.

Cashy, you have been on my mind ALOT lately, well you’re on my mind every minute of the day but lately it seems like every second. You’re there in everything I do, everything your brother and sister do, everything I see, everything I hear. You’re there, around me, reminding me of how empty my heart is without you.

The songs I hear on Pandora or the radio, I think of you, even the new songs that have come out since you passed, I always think, "man, Cashy would love this song." Or I see a little boy with Car shoes on or shirt with a monkey on it, I think of your sweet face and how unfair it is that my little boy isn't here to wear those shoes or to wear that shirt. God knows you loved your shirts with monkeys on them. You went through a little phase where you would only wear the Paul Frank monkey shirts. Preferably your orange one. You loved monkeys. Probably because you were one, hahaha.
When I see little babies that look like little monkeys (as in they have dark hair all over) I think of you. You were so cute as a newborn. You had hairy ears, hairy eye brows, sideburns, and even dark hair on your arms, and you had jet black hair. You were a month early and you had a lot of problems while in my belly. I was rear ended by an old man with his license plate reading "rondo." His name was Ron and he was 81, but a stone cold asshole. I was 27 weeks pregnant and I had just left Target with your brother, we were heading towards the stop light on Mullen and Broadway. There was a lot of construction going on so I stopped at the flashing red light because there were cars coming and there was no way I could get out, I was inching my way out when Rondo came along and smashed into me. He comes up to my window screaming at me, "Why the hell did you stop?", I'm like excuse me it was a red light and I'm yielding to turn. Then he continued to call me fat and that he didn't know I was pregnant. Jerk. Yeah, I was fat, but whatever.
So there began my next ten weeks, of massages (which I wasn't complaining about), chiropractor visits, doctor visits and bed rest. Ugh, it was a long ten weeks but we made it. When you were born you had the cord around your neck and body twice, there was an abruption on my placenta, a super thin cord, but you came out screaming and a whole 5 pounds 5 ounces. We were so thrilled you were healthy and the cutest little monkey baby ever, and my good friend Chelsey got to be my nurse and help deliver you, (thank God we didn't give her a heart attack, with the way your strip looked throughout labor, every contraction was a deep deep heart deceleration, thank God I didn't have to have a c-section).

I had been so nervous while pregnant about being able to love another baby as much as I loved your big brother. Everyone always would tell me that your heart makes room for more love and affection, compassion, and pure joy when another baby comes along. It just happens. The second you were born my heart swelled with love and I knew immediately that you were special and that you would change our lives for the better! And boy did you do that. When you were about a week old, I clearly distinctively remember holding you and looking at you and thinking, man for some awful reason I had a feeling you weren't going to be here forever. Like at that very moment I had this overwhelming feeling of doom and gloom that something bad was going to happen to you. I quickly shrugged it off thinking it was my crazy hormones raging, but the feeling, it always lingered. Now I know why.

A couple weeks ago I had THE most horrible dream about you. Ugh, it hurts my heart to even talk about it. But I will because it’s therapeutic.

So I was in this half sleep/half awake state while daddy got up with brother to get him off to school, daddy let me sleep in because I had to work that night. So in this horrid dream we were all walking/strolling downtown like we were at a Saturday farmer’s market. I was pushing you in your jogging stroller (the one you loved so much, "Cashy’s troller", you called it), and daddy had Sissy in front of the pack and Colten was running along touching everything. We were minding our own business, having a great family outing. I stopped strolling and went in front of the stroller to pick you up and give you a kiss, you were kicked back with your leg over your knee and your arms were tucked back behind your head, a famous Cashy lounging position. I instantly realized you were dead, I touched your feet and they were so cold and your skin was peeling. You were stiff as a board, yet frozen in your kicked back position. I tried to play cool but as I looked around, everyone was staring and whispering and pointing at you. They were like, "geez these people are pushing around their dead kid." I immediately woke up, crying huge years and Mike walks in seeing me crying and was like, "what is wrong?" I told him the dream and he just gave me a big hug. This dream has really stuck with me and has left me even more broken hearted. Stupid tricks the mind of a grieving mother can play. I hate you Brain! P.S., please let me sleep. I am a terrible terrible sleeper. I NEED sleep sooooo bad. Even when I'm home on the nights I'm off work, I sleep terrible, I ease up every hour or so. I have done this even before cancer, although it’s twenty times worse now. Sometimes I think hmmm, maybe an Ambien prescription wouldn't be half bad. Lol.

Some amazing and very heartwarming things have happened lately and I know it's at the hands of you. You’re changing the world Cashy, and that's all I can say right now about it. You’re changing the world buddy.

We've been out keeping busy and having a lot of good times lately, I know you've been with us the whole time as well. I like to keep busy, that way I don't get sucked in the sad deep deep dark hole of being emotional and moping around. If I keep busy, I can stay positive. If I'm idle for even a minute, I turn into an emotional ball of blubberyness about how you’re not here to enjoy the things that we are enjoying. It's not fair.

Colty and Mike went Steelhead fishing last weekend with Aunt Michele and Uncle Craig, they had an awesome time! They caught a bunch of natives and unfortunately had to put them back, but Colty was super excited to catch such a big fish!!!

Colty and I went to Silver Mountain Resort with Brooke, Casey and Skye Pearl this last Friday night, we did the indoor water park, cooked a big birthday dinner for Casey and stayed in this amazing condo. It was a great time, Daddy and sis would of come, but they were both sick. Your poor sis has had three double ear infections in less than 7 weeks. Ugh. She had to get a strong antibiotic shot in both legs over three days, six total shots. Poor Sissy, I had to literally hold her down while they injected the shots all three times. It broke my heart, made me queasy and brought back a whole bunch of terrible memories of me having to hold you down for the million different procedures you had throughout the years. I'm so sorry for that, we thought it was the best thing for you at the time, ugh, as hard as that is to say.

Easter, another painful holiday without you that we can just add to the list. I was negative about Easter, I pretty much think Easter is a lame holiday. So Colten had insisted on staying the night at Mike’s parent’s house (yes, he likes the neighborhood girls), Colten got a brand new dirt bike last week so I figured a stupid Easter toy from China would be ok skip this year. My mom and Mike’s parents got him something anyway. So the bad and terrible Mom that I am, I didn't get either kid an Easter basket. I just wasn't in the mood for it, hell there should be three not just two. So there were none. Colten seemed ok with it. Although he kept texting me from Julie's phone Sunday morning if I had found where the Easter bunny left his basket. Oops. I told him the Easter bunny said “since he got a 600 dollar dirt bike last week that it counted as an Easter present.” Sorry buddy. Lol. Someday soon I’ll be better at all of this, right now I'm a little lost in this world of grief and emotion that I would just rather not do any of it.

So while Colten was at Mike’s parents, Mike, Sissy, Casey and I went on a big hike up the mountain in front of our house. We hiked for almost 3 hours. It was supposed to be just a little walk, but turned into quite the jaunt. I had to work so I didn't even get a nap in. I sure did struggle come 5am at work though, but it was all worth it.

Thanks for a lovely dinner Jim and Julie, we appreciate you guys cooking us up a yummy meal!

Your sweet Sissy is turning one soon!!! Next week on the 9th. I can't believe it's already been a year since she was born, and almost 5 months since you've been gone. You would be so proud of your baby sister, she is such a sweet, gentle baby. A year ago I would never have thought that you would be gone for almost 5 months by the time she turned one. So I was giving her a bath Saturday night and was thinking how much you would have loved to take a bath with her. You would have taught her how to swim on her belly like you always did. I sure miss giving you baths. You loved baths when you were tumor free. You would get in the tub and start making the water flow back and forth as you pretended to swim and you would call for momma to look at you swimming like a big boy. When you had the tumor you hated bathes, and we had to rip your clothes off and throw you in. Sometimes you would quickly switch your demeanor and all of a sudden remember, "oh yeah, I love baths!" I wish I could still give you a bath, I even loved getting in the bath with you as you often demanded.

I will never forget the last bath I gave you. You had been gone for about 10 minutes when we decided we should clean you up and get you ready. I held you by the neck like I bathe the limp newborn babies, I washed you gently, I washed your hair, I wiped your boogers, which I pretended to put the booger back, because that's what you would say every time we wiped your nose, "put it back!!!" Daddy saw me wipe your nose and he said it, it kinda broke the silence and we all laughed with tears in our eyes. No one should ever know how it feels to literally bathe your baby for the last time. Good thing we bathed you then because the cops came shortly after and ruined our whole grieving process as they hung around “the unassisted death.” It still upsets me when I think about that. His death was not unassisted, I am a registered nurse and Mike and I were his primary caregivers. My mom is a registered nurse as well, there is no way you can say it was an unassisted death. He was assisted, we held him while he took his last breath. I have never seen a nurse hold someone while they take their last breath. My mom called out time of death, it was very professional and I'm glad we didn't have extra strangers in our house. Also don't you think if the cops had to come and investigate that they would of at least examined and of even looked at Cash when they arrived. Not one time did they come up and check his pulse or anything. They didn't even look at him until they had been there for 40 minutes or so. Then they made me take out medical records and show them that indeed he had cancer. Then the most horrifying thing was they made me take him back to my bedroom and undress him as they took pictures of his naked lifeless body, they even lifted up his eye lids. My sweet boy who fought a long and hard disease that would make grown men cry like babies, was now being disrespected just like that, it ripped my already broken and empty heart. Then they asked me what the marks on his cheeks were in accusatory tone, like I had burned him with a cigarette or something. Ugh, I'm done talking about that, it literally makes my skin crawl. We hope to have set precedence and maybe something like that won’t happen to another family who chooses to use a natural approach, not death by a slow pharmaceutical poisoning.

Cashy, I'm glad and thankful you went the way you did. You didn't lay in a morphine coma for weeks like all the other children who die daily of cancer. You were up walking, talking and eating Cheerios the day you died. I'm so thankful you didn't pass in the night with us beside you. If I would have woken up to find you dead, I don't know what would have happened. I’d probably be locked up at Warm Springs. I'm thankful everyday for those last moments with you, the giant kiss on my lips you gave me before you passed, I'll never forget how dry those big lips were. You were so stubborn about putting on Chap-Stick, but you just reached up and kissed me, like you knew it was your last kiss. I'm thankful I got it. That was the last coherent thing you did. Daddy got to hold you as you passed and I got your last big kiss, thank you for that. Oh man I miss you. It definitely doesn't get easier. Each day I think I get numb to the pain.

The other night at work I walked in a patients room to find her sound asleep with the movie Cars playing in the background. Man I wasn't ready for that. That was your all time favorite movie. The second I saw it playing, all sorts of emotions came pouring out of me and I instantly had to run out with tears in my eyes. Thank God she was asleep. She would have thought I was crazy! Lol.

Colty has been enjoying his new school, he loves his new teacher and seems to be happy with the switch. He came home from school the other day upset because a older kid had pushed him down and told him (I hate even repeating this) that his brother deserved to die, I want to peel that kids eye lids off just for even saying that. If I ever see him out and about he will get my two cents! So I had to go to the principal’s office and talked to him about it. He said he was going I take care of it. Rotten little asshole kids, I swear. I hate bullies!!! If you were ever a bully (and I can think of a few from my past) you should be ashamed of yourself and look up those people you bullied and seriously give them a sincere apology for hurting them. When a bully picks on you it sticks with you forever. I remember when I was in the 6th grade this big giant fat kid came up to me and called me "Cowie Moocarthy" (my maiden name is McCarthy) I wasn't even fat or chubby. But it stuck with me forever. So for your good deed of the week, look up someone you bullied and tell them how deeply sorry you were for that. It will make their day and I guarantee they haven't forgotten what you did to them!

So every night I work I get asked that dreaded question, "So, how many kids do you have?" I swear at least two of my patients will ask me that a night. It’s rather depressing always having to tell people your son died of brain cancer. I need to come up with a better response, because when I say my middle son passed away from brain cancer it makes an awkward silence and makes me nervous. I don't think people know what to say. They are in the height of their glory with their new baby and this nurse comes in talking of her dead kid, well not a very feel good moment right there. Oh well, I will talk about you even when I'm 80 years old and senile! I'll probably be one of those crazy old ladies in a nursing home carrying a baby doll around looking and yelling for her son. I can see it now. I had one PTS mother last week as I walked into the room go, "are you Cashy Hyde's mom?" Lol, I laughed, yep that's me! My PT told me when her mom left she said she felt like she was hanging with a celebrity. That literally made me laugh! Thanks Cashy for the smile!

Well Cashy I must call it a night. I hope you know how much I love and miss you.

This Thursday we are coming to Salt Lake to see you. It's been way too long. I only wish your headstone was ready to see. Next time. I look forward to sitting and talking to you buddy. But I know even though I'm not there now, you’re around me, you hear me, you see me, you feel me. I know you are with us. Protect us on our drive sweet boy. I can't wait to visit. I hope you’re happy and playing and having a great time with all your friends up there. Juju, Kiwi, Dawson, Ronan....I know you’re up there playing with all the cool kids! Keep em’ out of trouble!! ;) love you to infinity and beyond buddy. Miss you my little monkey man.

Momma.

Cashy fans, I added a photo of food marketing translation, so when you’re shopping you’ll know to avoid these phrases on your food.

Know that anything in a box is bad, it usually has preservatives, and anything that say natural flavor is also known as MSG. Educate yourselves to better yourselves and your family!

This is where cancer comes from so if you’re educated on what garbage not to buy, we'll you’re on your way to healthier and better living! ;)



























3 comments:

  1. I can't wait to walk with you. Love love love..

    ReplyDelete
  2. Much love to you, mama. I had no heart for Easter this year, either. I wish I had more than love, understanding (actually, I wish I didn't have that, honestly) and love for you. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great job with the blogspot blog.

    ReplyDelete