Monday, March 18, 2013

Cashy: I know you're guiding me through my grief. I love you.

Cashy, it sure has been a busy last couple of weeks, between moving into the new house, working full time, and two busy kids (well a baby that is literally into EVERYTHING) and a busy daddy who has to pick up some of momma’s slack when she works, it's just been crazy and the days are flying by.

I don't remember you or your brother being as busy as little sissy is. Oh man, I need to baby proof this new house and fast. If I turn my head for two seconds she will be eating Ajax, getting into every drawer or pulling out every tampon or maxi pad she can find, or ripping out pots and pans.

I swear if there is Silence in the house, that's not good, and it means Sissy is up to no good. Hahaha. One minute sis will be right beside me, the next minute she is back in your room digging out cars, and today it was a Baggie of rocks you collected. She got into them and started tasting a few as well. Good thing they were larger rocks that couldn't fit in her mouth. She can find anything and that's no joke. The smallest particle, even a grain of rice would be picked it up with her tiny fingers and instantly into her mouth. She had a dead fly hanging from her lip the other day. Lordy lord…YUCK!

Sometimes it's truly the strangest thing to realize that your healthy kids are healthy. If that makes any sense. I often sit and just stare at Sissy while she's nursing, almost like I'm searching for something to be wrong with her. Like it’s too good to be true. How can this perfect little angel of a baby girl be mine, and be perfect all at the same time. I'm used to worrying and worrying and worrying so much that I would make myself sick. My mom even had me convinced back when you were getting scans every 3 months, that if I didn't worry than something would truly be wrong. Sometimes I look at Sissy and tell your daddy, "her eye just moved weird," or "she just hit herself on the head," or "she keeps falling and bonking her head, it must be a brain tumor." Almost every time she’s napping in her crib longer than a half hour I'm worried she's in there suffocated or smothered and just dead. Crap how long will I be like this? Forever? God I hope not. 3 years of this constant worrying and constant fear of something going wrong, well it's enough to commit you to the funny farm.

Cashy you were a worrier too, just like me. You would sit and bite your nails like a little nervous Nelly. I'm sure you got that from me. Dang nail biting. I've tried all the techniques to quit biting my nails; visualizing dog poop under my finger nails, (pshhh that doesn't work), putting tobacco on the tips of my nails (that works for a bit but eventually if wears off, and I’ll be back at it), fake nails (tried that and I just wanna bite the damn fake ones off). You were so cute when you did it though. Sometimes if you had a hang nail you'd make me bite it off. That's probably how it started because when you were a baby instead of using the dangerous nail clippers (they looked so big and scary when placed next to a tiny baby finger) I'd just lightly bite off your soft nails so you wouldn't scratch yourself.

I have so much guilt about having had to work so much in those last few months we had with you. Going to work and knowing you were at home without me to hold your sweet little hand. I'll never forget how shitty of a parent I felt that night (about a month before you passed) when it was close to 6 o'clock and I had to be at work by 7, you were so upset about me having to go, you were crying and throwing a fit. It was a Saturday night, you wanted me to sit with you on the couch and cuddle. So I called in sick. I didn't feel bad about it either, until ten minutes later when my unit manager called me. She says, "You just called in sick, but we need you and we have nobody to cover. It's too close to the shift to find someone. You HAVE to come in; can't your mom sit at home with Cash?" I was blown away that she would actually call me to make me come to work. I was like "um, well ok." And I had to go to work. Tears and my heart ripped straight out of my chest.

I shouldn't complain. My job was phenomenal throughout your whole illness. I missed a lot of work. But I would do it all over again, just to be with you. To hold you, to kiss you sweet lips, to rub your little boney back and bootie, I massaged your little tummy and your stinky feet (your right foot had the most beautiful mole on the bottom of it, a rare occurrence according to one of your earlier pediatricians).

How is it even possible that I'm living this life without you? How is it possible that I birthed you, gave you life, and now you’re gone, just like that. Gone from us forever. My heart literally aches for you, for your touch, it aches and longs to hear your sweet voice, to see your beautiful smile, that smile that won over so many hundreds of hearts.

We hung out at the cabin in Darby two weekends in a row as John and Corinne were in town. We had such a great time, Colty got to bottle feed a baby cow, he rode the 4 wheeler, he shot his bb gun, he chased squirrels, he got to be that 8 year old boy that he hasn't really had much of a chance to be. Even though you only got to go there once with us, I know you would have loved to go there and play and run wild with your brother Colten. Ride the 4 wheeler, sit by the campfire, you loved to sit by campfires, you would always just kick back and stare at the fire. With your arms behind your head cuddled up with a blankie. I always wondered what you were thinking; you always had this way about you, like you were so much wiser beyond your years. A little boy so young and innocent, yet so wise and experienced in his earthy body.

John did a phenomenal press release on his website for me about my blog and how I use it to write to you to help with my grief. Grief, what does that even mean…? It means; Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death. Trouble or annoyance.

Deep sorrow doesn't even do the word grief, justice. Grief is that pain and hole in my heart that I often talk about. It's profound mental anguish. Living without you is beyond mental anguish. It's like being in one of those SAW movies, where you’re stuck in this scene where you can't get out and you keep trying and times running out...but my time’s not running out, it's moving slowly and slowly and each day that passes, it feels like it’s been a million years without you.

Thank you John and Corinne for the fabulous weekend and for working so hard on my press release while on your vacation. You guys rock! We're so lucky to have met you guys, it’s just one more awesome thing Cashy did for us! He brought us close to so many amazing people these past three years. We are just so thankful to have gotten to know so many kind hearted, free spirited people. If it wasn't for you Cashy none of this would have been possible. To know that all of you gathered and did fundraisers, pig raffles, lemonade stands, jersey raffles, toy drives, spaghetti feeds, Scentsy bear sales, and all because of the love you have for our family and because our little boy is dead.

Can you put yourself in my shoes for one minute? Just take one minute, close your eyes, and think of your child dying (not that I would EVER want anyone to ever feel our pain). In that one minute, allow yourself to experience the pain we feel, my family feels, every second of the day. Take this one minute of pain and know this is why you all have taken it upon yourselves to permeate yourself into our lives, when most of you don’t even know us. Take a minute to think about what amazing human beings that makes you, and be proud of who you are. You all know there is more to life then the superficial things that surround us. You all get the bigger picture and you all know you are about to help us change this world and the way most people live with their eyes closed and lack of passion.

You all have made me beyond proud and honored to have your love and support, and it makes me want to strive that much harder, be that much more passionate, and be that much more involved in spreading the knowledge we have not only pediatric cancer but cannabis and it's medical benefits, about eating healthy, juicing, exercising and living that healthy lifestyle that Cashy doesn't get to live. Not because he chose to be unhealthy or out of shape, not because he chose to eat those McDonald's fries, because he didn't get a choice, he didn't get to live. He wanted to live. Cashy lived everyday of his life like it was his last. He lived his life to the fullest, the way everyone should. I can guarantee you, if Cashy would have grown into an adult, the way he should have, he would have changed the world in some way shape or form. 4 years wasn't enough.

Why is it that every holiday season at the grocery stores there are those flyers you can buy for certain disorders for a donation of a dollar or 5. Why is there never any for childhood cancer? At Albertsons right now they have shamrocks for muscular dystrophy. I always buy one of these so I can put your name on it. We've been trying to get these in as monkeys with the foundations information, Daddy went to a few stores before Valentine’s day to try to get a store to use our logo and help raise funds so we can get more reggae runners out there and help other families. We were actually contacted by a hospital in San Francisco that we donated some runners to last summer on your birthday; they would like some more runners!!! They are in need of them! We were thrilled about this. That reggae run we did with you was your last run. It was so memorable in every way. Your 4th and last birthday. I never once thought that, that day would be your last birthday. I wish I would of thrown you I giant party. We should have, even though you would have probably hated it. I remember every time I asked you what you wanted for your birthday, you would answer, "stickers!" You loved stickers. The picture below is of you with your twenty-some packs of stickers that you stuck all around the house. There were even stickers on your head, and all over your bike. Man you were such a goofball. I miss you so much, the missing you part, it's constant, it never goes away, and I know it never will, I would never want it to.

We did family photos Saturday and Sissy got her one year pics done as well, along with her naked butt picture to go on the wall with yours and big bros. It'll be so cute!! Thanks Brittany McLaughlin with Writing with Light Photography! We can't wait to see them!!

Yesterday I broke down thinking about how wrong it was doing the family photos without you. We brought a framed 8x10 photo of you and had that in the pictures with us, so you know we're always thinking of you. I cried quietly in the kitchen thinking about how much of a stinker you were during your last photo shoot. You were already starting to get sick and you wouldn't smile for the camera! Brittney even had 39 different sheets of stickers to bribe you with, you kept taking the stickers but refused to smile! My sweet stubborn boy. .
Here's a quick recipe for a fabulous way to cook Brussel sprouts. I never used to like Brussels but with our new diet I've bed trying everything, and Brussels are sooooo good!! So take the Brussels and wash then then dry them off. Cut them in halves and place in baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil or coconut oil (we use coconut oil for everything), salt/pepper, and some garlic powder (not garlic salt it makes it to salty). Bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes. Your kids might even love these, colty and sissy do!!! Enjoy hot!

Check out the picture below of Cash watching Barney Live. You can just imagine what his face looks like. He was so excited!! this was in Disney world on Cashys make a wish trip! Such great memories!


  1. Those brussels sprouts look delish, gonna have to try! So glad to hear Colty is liking his new school and bus ride :) Love reading your blog girl and can't wait to see the new family pics. Keep writing ~ Cashy hears and surrounds you always. xoxo

  2. Every mother knows in her deep heart how it feels to love a child unconditionally. Most never really think about it, they are so busy living the life they have. When I read your blog, this first time, I realized just how deep the pain of grief goes, and God knows, I've had enough too, in my lifetime. So many losses, I began death watches at the age of 12 and sat with aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, grandparents and parents, until they were ready to go. When I was older, I took up nursing, oncology of all things. And back then, way back when, there weren't a great many treatments, so 80% or so had death sentences as soon as they were diagnosed. Most of my patients died. I have in my heart, a link to your heart because of my life experience. Loving is easy, it is the letting go that we hate, the empty space unfilled we can't deal with. But know that you are not alone, he is right there, beside you, watching over his baby sister and his big brother, free of pain and finally able to do what he wanted to do, protect you all. I know this to be true and the vision is a gift to you. Let your heart heal in time, don't worry so much about it right now, just love those around you and accept that you will miss the one there, but not there, forever.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing:)

  4. Kali, I swear, I can never get through one of your posts without both smiling AND crying. You should use this blog one day and write a book. :) I think about you guys every day. All of you are forever in my heart. <3 And I can't wait to try to roasted brussel sprouts, sounds DELISH!

  5. Kalli,
    I just wanted to let you know that you guys are on my mind on my heart and always in my prayers! I'm so happy you guys took the time out to come visit Moises and I while you guys were out here for Cashy! Thank you for putting forth that effort!
    Just wondering... what is the average cost to do a reggae runner donation? I'm not sure if the company I work for would be able to donate but I would like to save up my own money and help out in some way! Let me know! I love your blog! You bring me to tears with every post but I've learned so much from you! I love you guys and hope all is well!