Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Pictures, potty time, juicing and growing to do.

Cashy, I've been so sad for you these last few days. I miss you so incredibly much that there is no words in the dictionary that could describe such emptiness.
How is it even possible that your gone? Could this all just be a bad dream and I just haven't woken up yet. You know when your dreams feel so real that when you wake up they are so vivid, it was really like you were really there doing those things. I wish it was a dream. If it was I'd probably never come back to reality. Id be ok living in dreamland. Anything is possible in dream land. First thing I would do is track you down and smother you with hugs and kisses till you turned blue. Then I would do whatever it was you wanted to do. I would guess that you would want to go to Walmart or target and pick up a ten pack of hotwheels cars and maybe some markers, probably a pack of toy story band aids as well. In dream land id let you get a 100 pack of hot wheels if you asked. (Pretty much did in real life too, you were spoiled rotten).
Your fascination with hot wheels cars came about the summer you turned 3. You went on a long trip with Daddy, Casey, Dan, Domo, Skye pearl and Your bro Colten, all the way to Denver Colorado. Daddy met with a bunch of cannabis activists and there was a expo going on. While you guys were visiting people, you were shown this kids hot wheels car collection. Daddy said there was probably over a thousand cars or more. Well that night when you guys were all getting ready to leave daddy had a feeling to check your pockets, well loan behold you had like 20 cars stashed in your pockets. Daddy unloaded your stash and they let you keep one. From there on out you were obsessed!!!

When we were in California doing radiation you were at your peak of hot wheels cars obsession. Every time you went in for radiation daddy and I would be waiting for you with two brand new in the box hot wheels cars. You insisted they were in the box and you wouldn't accept them unless they were new/sealed/ in the box. No way around it. It was pretty cute at first. We went to Walmart and would buy maybe 25-30 cars at a time. First we would try giving you just one car after each radiation season, then we would try keeping the boxes and reusing the cars , putting them back in the box and taping them so you would think it was new. Not a flipping chance. You would know instantly that it was a used one. Then came the tantrum! Daddy and I would always jump to your beckon call. People often told us we spoiled you to much, but hell how can you spoil a superstar like Cashy Michael Hyde, you were only the coolest dude on earth. You couldn't. Man I'd buy you anything you wanted if I could.

Sometimes when I'm deeply thinking about you and all that you endured, I get so weak, I can't breath, I panic. Pictures of you in your white suit in your coffin circulate through my brain like a movie, a sad sad movie, almost as bad as a horror movie, some things were that bad. The thought of how cold and stiff you were when your body was this lifeless vessel. Vessel to another realm. To another life, another spiritual dimension that your godly like self gets to embark on. Thinking about it that ways makes me calmer, makes me almost excited and at peace that you are on your next spiritual journey. The medium told us you were gearing up to take another soul soon. A part of me is happy about this, but another part of me is soooooo upset and hurt at the possibility of you taking another human soul. Who will you be? What will you look like? Will you still come to me in my dreams, will I still be your mommy? This frightens me. The universe is such a powerful, enlightening, and giant mass full of radiant energy. You could be anything, anyone. I do hope who ever you go on to be, that you get a chance to be healthy and live a life with no pain and no worries about tumors or scans, or blood draws. It's only fair that you get that chance. You've paid your dues, you experienced more in your short life than a grown adult would ever imagine. I'm so proud of you for that. I'm so proud of everything you ever did. I think about the few times I got you to actually pee on the potty. Of course we bribed you with a new Spider-Man bike if you went, even once. Lol. So you went pee and the moment that pee hit the little potty chair, you were done and you pulled out the cup part that the pee sits in, you ran down the hall to the bedroom to show daddy your pee. Alot of it spilt on the carpet and wood floor as you ran all the way to show daddy, but that wasn't the point. You were so excited, I was so excited, daddy was so excited. Our baby boy peed on the potty! Daddy took you to pick out your bike and you boys came home with a new big boy spiderman bike!! You loved it, even though you could barely reach the pedals.

I love recalling all our memories we've shared with you. Sometimes the littlest of memories are easily forgotten. I don't ever want to forget a minute that I spend with you. Ever. It's all I had left, memories.

Sometimes it's easy to get off track, it's easy to just want to be sad, and have pitty for yourself. Woah is me, my baby is dead, in a coffin practically 20 feet underground beneath the snowy cold hard ground. I think about you being down under the ground and I get really upset. It really wasn't what I wanted for you. (Well obviously death in general wasnt what I wanted for you) I wanted to cremate you. I wanted to keep your ashes, I wanted to have them in a really awesome urn, maybe reggae stripped. Mainly I wanted to burn that cancer out of you, I didn't want you buried deep in the ground with that killer of a beast in your body. It send shivers up my skin thinking about it. It's not what I wanted, none of it. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices and you don't always get what you want. Ive learned that Throughout this unforgiving life. I wish I could at least visit you, your so far away. I wish I could just get off work and drive up to the cemetery and see you, or talk to you through a cool crazy special urn that you would be in on the fireplace mantle. Daddy and Colty were at least able to visit you a couple weeks ago. I hope you were giggling and teasing daddy and brother the whole time they were there. I know you were.

I ordered picture prints of a ton of my favorite pictures of you. I blew up our family photos we did in June and framed them last night. I was literally a wreck hanging pictures and cooking dinner last night. Each time mike would come in I'd be bawling hanging up another picture. It's probably not a good thing that this house is so big! It means more wall space for pictures of your cute face! People will probably think I've literally gone nuts, bonkers, off the wall with all the picture I've hung up. I don't care, I miss you and it makes me feel good. Except that I just stare at the perfect essence of your being and my heart just melts into a million pieces and I want to crumble to the floor. I wish I could just hold you and kiss that spot behind your ear where I would kiss and you would giggle and laugh because if tickled so much. It's like that song by meatloaf, "I would do anything for love"except, I would do that thing that they wouldn't do because I miss you so much I would literally do anything. If that makes any sense. Well it makes sense to me.

Everything makes sense except the fact that your gone. Im still so very sorry and sick to my stomach that this has happened to you, to us. Nothing will ever be ok again. This life without you is wrong, so now I just have to go on, without you, it literally feels like my heart is on the outside of my chest and everyone is using it as a punching bag. I was actually told the other day by a crazed maniac of a Cashy fan ( ugh, there's always some crazies out there) that I had growing to do as a person. Pshhh. Well everyone can grow as a person yes, but to be told your ungrateful and you have growing to do, well that just pissed me off. I'd like to see how much growing you'd do if you fought for almost three years to keep your baby alive, if you've seen everything from code blues to blood gurgling out of your babies mouth as he get suctioned out while on a ventilator that keeps breathing for him, or while you hold your son shaking, while his skins a crispy burned color and peeling so bad from the chemo that his butt is so raw you can't even wipe the excessive diarrhea with babies wipes because they burn the already burned skin even more, or while you mastered catching vomit in the pink puke bucket as soon as he made a certain face you knew chunks were flying, or how you held your son 6 weeks straight every morning while they sedated him with heavy narcotics so they could radiate his 20 pound little frame from head to toe. Why don't you do some of that, then tell me I have some growing to do. I'm not saying I'm this saint of a person, I've made mistakes, I've made poor decisions, but I've also learned from those bad decisions and mistakes, I HAVE grown as a person, I've grown into a mother to my hero, a momcologist, a freedom fighter, a rebel, a woman who is strong enough to hold her baby and keep it together while he is taking some of his last breaths for fear of scaring him in his last moments, I've grown into all those things and I admit I do have growing to do yes, because my time on earth isn't over and as long as I'm alive I'm Growing and I wouldn't want it any other way. If your living and not growing as a person well something is wrong. So to that awful lady who made me waste my time and tears arguing with her, yes I do have growing to do, and if I'm not growing well I'm not living!

So on to a more positive note: Juicing; so alot of people have been asking me about juicing and how and what it involves. I know the thought of juicing --Cashy, makes your head spin and you usually would automatically freak out about it, most of the time you'd be semi ok with it as long as we pretended to take it back out. You would say "take it back" so we would pretend to suck it back out of your gtube after it went right in. Lol we sure fooled you sometimes!! Haha. So juicing is an amazing way to get alot of vital nutrients to your body with out all the pulp and the vegetable or fruit itself. When you drink a fresh juice it hits your blood stream instantly faster than a shot of hard alcohol. It gives you energy, it fills you up and is such a healthy way to get your more than your recommended servings of fruits and veggies. Your dad and I absolutely love juicing. When we skip a day on accident, if we're to busy or run out of time, we just don't feel right, we feel run down, kinda cranky and drained. We try to do a daily juice around breakfast time. I will usually just drink the juice after my workout and call it good, mike usually eats something (he's so skinny he needs to! ). It fills me up for hours. We use carrots and apples as our main staple, then I add whatever I can find in the fridge, kale, beets, spinach, usually a pear as well, and parsley even. I chug it down because its a mental thing for me. Sometimes they're not the tastiest with all the green leafy veggies so I chug it down. Mike savors the flavor. Lol. So with exercising and juicing we feel better than ever! Everyone should get an omega juicer and start juicing their way to best! Lol.... I totally sound like a commercial. Hahaha.

Well I must say goodnight. Daddy's sleeping on our new mattress (after nearly 12 years on our old one) that came in today ( while I'm at work, so jealous) so please give daddy a dream Cashy! I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever to infinity and beyond! I hope your safe and warm buddy. Miss you more than you would ever know.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sgaring your struggles Kali you are such an inspiration please dont let the darkness of horribly opinionated people get you down you did allyou could do and Cashy was a wonderfully happy little boy for all he went through!!! He knows you love him!!!! Take care and I pray it gets a lil easier everyday! I lost my dad when I was very young to the horrible C word not that it was even close to how hard it would be to lose a child but it was very hard and I srill have days, stay strong as you always have and live in your memories with lil Cash man, you are always in my thoughts and prayers