You’re so beautiful and you never cease to amaze me. You inspire me so much buddy, I strive to be a better person because of you. Because your life was cut short, I feel that I need to try extra hard to do the right thing and better myself as a human being. I don't want our family to just be mediocre, I want our family to be amazing, I want everyone in the whole world to know of you and your amazing story. The courageous battle you put forth so other children can be treated the same way only better, with more research, with more information. When we first started giving you cannabis as a nausea and pain medication, we didn't have people to get advice from, we didn't have blogs to read, we didn't have any idea how to even get this super thick tarry substance in you. We used trial and error, we messed around with dosages, we made our own tinctures, we followed a special dosage regimen that we came up with ourselves. We didn't know how to get the recommended 1000mg in you a day, we didn't have lab testing then. We didn't have help or the knowledge there is now with children and cannabis, and you know what buddy, it's all because of you. There are so many children using cannabis now because of you and because of little brave Mykayla.
You are literally changing the way pediatric cancer treatments go. It's amazing and the Craziest thing is that little Mykayla’s mom had followed your story before her daughter was even diagnosed. She knew what she had to do to save her. Now Mykayla is doing so well and she looks so good. Her hair is even growing back now. They have a great following.
Here's Mykaylas cute little face.
Now what really needs to happen is children need to start using cannabis as a first priority instead of a last. A lot of parents try to fall back on cannabis as a last resort, a last ditch effort kind of thing. The problem with this is after chemo and radiation have already wreaked havoc on their little bodies, cannabis can only work so many miracles and when your body is so damaged, it tries to heal the severely damaged parts first and puts the cancer on the back burner while healing the rest of the body from the damage that has been done. If parents would look at cannabis as a first effort instead of last, there would be such better results and more children could be saved. Someday buddy. Someday.
When you were diagnosed we had just learned of Rick Simpson and his oil. We were so scared as parents hearing the words, "your son has a 4.5cm brain tumor," that we (mostly me) insisted we follow these doctors’ protocols and that would ensure that you would make it through this ok. So we hoped, and you did make it, for the most part. Finding product and making the oil was out of the question. We didn't have the time-frame or the resources and you were so sick, we thought we could lose you any day.
As we put in your obituary Cashy, you pioneered a new way of fighting cancer. You are my hero buddy, as you are too so many others. I'm the luckiest mom in the world to have given birth to her own hero. I like that.
We've been SO busy lately. Daddy and I flew to San Francisco a couple weeks ago and stayed with John and Corinne. We had a good time getting away and we ran a booth with them at the International Cannabis and Hemp Expo (INTCHE). It was interesting to say the least. My first real show I’ve been too. I guess it wasn't as hopping as most the shows, but I had fun. It's a lot of work running those booths and John’s nice new booth stand kept blowing down in the wind and it messed it all up. John handled that well I must say.
Corinne took me shopping and I got to look at all these cute stores and boutiques that we don't have here in Missoula. It was a pretty cool mall I must say!!
We went and toured around Chinatown and North Beach (San Francisco’s Little Italy), we sat on the sidewalk tables and had dinner at an Italian restaurant where we could sit and people watch. Some creepy guy walked by and yelled at us very sternly, "the truth will kill you!" Haha…BIG city living I guess!
I think Colty got a little homesick and had missed us so much that he called that Saturday crying and saying his tummy hurt. He was done a couple hours later, so it must not have been that bad. Poor kid. But he's such a sweet gentle soul that brother of yours. It sounded like Sissy did pretty good by not nursing her all weekend, I figured she would have freaked out but she didn't. Lucky me I got to pump those baby's all weekend long. I swear these things will be needing some repair here soon enough! Haha. Sis has been hard on them! Lol.
Corinne and John have a kickin’ pad let me tell you. It was beautiful; they even had their own driveway and a private gate. Pretty cool. They had a great view up on the mountain top as well. It was nice and I sat out in the sun and got a little tan one day as well! We won't forget the awesome toilet. So I walked out of the guest bathroom and I told John how nice the toilet in there was and how it just cupped your butt when you sat. Lol, I know I'm a dork. He told us if we loved that one, you must try the one in their bedroom. Lol, so the next morning I had to give it a try and I went back there and the toilet opened up by itself, I sat down and it was a perfectly warmed seat, 72 degrees (almost like someone had been sitting there for hours, lol) then I looked to the left and it had its own control panel. It had many options including a sprayer for the front and back (with warm water I might add, and yes I tried it out) then you can blow it dry with, yes, warm air. Lol. It was quite the bathroom experience! Someday I will be getting one of these seats, but first I must repair the milkers. Haha. Just kidding, like that will ever happen, I can dream right?
So after we got home, I was thinking, well back to this life. Back to the life of missing you, longing for you, this hard, hard life without you. Sometimes I feel like I was just thrown out to sea, without a flotation device, no life jacket, nothing. Like I'm being taunted, it's sink or swim baby. But most of the time I feel like I'm sinking, like I can't get my head above water. Like I'm looking through murky water, trying to focus but I can't, but I know I need to. I need to be strong, I need to be able to get my head above water and at least tread. Tread water and breathe, because I'm a fighter and a Soul Rebel just like you Cashy. I will never stop being true to you Cashy. You are my heart, and that is what I'm doing by writing this blog, writing from my heart because as much as I feel like I’ve died when you did, this makes me feel alive.
One of the dirty little secrets no one tells you when you lose a child that the pain gets worse, not better. As each day goes by it’s one more day that we've been without you, one more day without your silly giggle, without smelling your stinky toes, without holding your soft baby hand, without telling you to quit biting your nails, without getting yelled at to put your boogers back in your nose after I wiped it. So many things we've lost when we lost you and my heart can't accept it. It won't.
I met some friends, sisters Tara and Rhiannon (I hadn’t seen Rhiannon in 7 years or so) at Cara’s park the other weekend; it was such a nice day out! Tara's boys played and Catherine Joy played a little too. Tara’s boys are so darn cute, they reminded me so much of you that I wanted to just cry and squeeze them both. They probably wouldn't have appreciated that though. Haha. It was nice to see some friends. It's not very often people come and visit. Even my Missoula friends. I think people think we live in a big deep hole of depression, which is not really the case. We have our days, and don't get me wrong there's not a minute that goes by that I don't think about you, but it would be nice to get out and have more adult/female conversation besides just friends at work. Thanks for meeting me girls. Love you both!
John and Corinne came back to Montana to stay at their ranch in Darby (where you spent the last sleeping night alive). They spent the first night at our house, which I could have died showing them their guest room they had to stay in, ugh...... Sorry guys at least there was a bed. Lol, just not as fancy as your guest rooms! Lol. Then we went up to their cabin one of their last nights in town. Colty tore up his dirt bike (momma even Rode it around, damn I felt like a kid on that thing!), and he fed the horses carrots, John showed us how he can feed them carrots out of his mouth. I was waiting for him to lose a nose or an eyeball. Lol. But he didn't!
We came home the next day because momma had to work again. I don't even know why I'm working; a quarter of its getting garnished each pay check. 500 dollars each check. 4 checks now! That's a lot when we’re already scraping by. That's what we get for losing our son to cancer and not paying any bills so we could always have enough medicine for you. Well, now we've lost you, we've lost our house where you passed away in, we've lost both of our vehicles and now most of my paychecks. Wow, what else can you take from us God!! Hahahaha Lol, I laugh because none of those things even matter besides you Cashy. I'd live in a cardboard box if I could still have you here with me.
Well I've been working a lot lately and we’re getting ready to take off to SLC to come see you at your grave site and to be there for the theatrical viewing of your documentary.
American Drug Wars 2: Cannabis Destiny. It's such a great film. It will be premiering in most major cities in the US on June 6th! We're very excited!!!! I know you are too buddy. I hope this documentary gets your foundation the publicity it needs to really go viral. Hey maybe someday you'll get your own song like Ronan did, of maybe even better a lifetime movie, haha. ;)
This poster is for the premiere being shown here in Missoula, at the wilma on July 25th at 7:30 pm. everyone should come!!!
Your Sissy went in for surgery on Friday to get tubes placed in her ears. She did so well and didn't even cry when the nice lady took her away from me and went off to the OR. I cried though. I hate seeing my babies have to get procedures done. It brings back too many bad memories, worries and dreadful feelings. But thank you God she did great and was out in 25 minutes. The doctor did tell me that when he cut into the ear drum to place the tubes a bunch of puss came flooding out. Eww, poor baby girl. I know she’ll start doing much better and hopefully will start talking more and more.
So when they brought us back to the room where we had to wait, they had a crib they were going to wheel your Sissy away in, well look what was on it...a cars sticker! I knew you had put that there for a reason, just to let us know you were with us and protecting Sissy. What could be better of a sign than that!! I laughed and smiled the instant I saw it!
Well I'm really excited for the documentary to debut, and I'm excited to see what's in store for our future! I love you so much buddy. I hope your safe. I love you To the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and ever. One love.