Owls, mediums, Cashy's and billboards....

Well, we are coming up on three months since your passing Cashy. It's not getting any easier, just more tolerable. Everyone tells me, "ohh it gets easier as the time passes." I call bullshit on that. Sometimes I feel like saying, really? Did your kid fight a cancer battle of a lifetime for two and a half years, did they get poked, prodded, radiated and poked again? And ALL for what? So we could keep you here with us?

I am grateful for the time we did get with you. But I think as the days go by, the pain gets worse, but it's tolerable pain. Like a normal, tolerable pain. As tolerable, I mean, I can drive to the store to get groceries without crying 60% of the time. You were my shopping buddy, my partner in crime, my buddy who sat behind me doing the fist pump to the song “pumped up kicks,” or you would be in the back squealing as we went over the big bumps down the hill on Garrett Street. You loved that. I remember one of the last times we went over those big dips you didn't really enjoy it, I looked back as we went over it and you had this look like you were holding on for dear life with a sort of ‘nauseated’ look on your face, that was one of our last trips to Walmart. God I miss having you, my shopping buddy, with me when I'm at Walmart. I hardly ever go there now. I just can’t bare it without you. Those last few months with you, you were so funny how adamant you were about going to Walmart to get either, playdough, markers or stickers. We had to drop everything we were doing to go to Walmart, right then. Sometimes we went twice a day. Daddy enjoyed taking you to Walmart too. I can't even type this without bawling right now. I wish I could take you one more time, just one more ride in the car, one more ride in the shopping cart, one more big kiss on your soft lips. I miss you so much, I want to snuggle your little body and squeeze your little bootie. I miss every little thing about you, I feel like I'm stuck in this giant awful world forever without you. It hurts so bad.

I had to take a break from writing this to dry my eyes and collect my thoughts. It's funny how most the time I’ll be completely fine, I’ll be able to talk about you to people, especially when I'm at work, I often find myself talking about you after I get the dreaded question, "how many kids do you have?" I always say three, and sometimes I’ll go into detail about you, mostly after feeling out my patient and deciding if I want to even go there with them. Most of the time all my patients have heard of you. You’re a local celebrity around Missoula! Sometimes they haven't heard of you so I tell them all about you and how brave and strong you were.

We've had a few busy past couple of weeks. That's what I like, to keep busy. Because when I slow down and breath, or look at your adorable pictures I get nauseated, I get dizzy and I realize holy shit, you’re really gone aren't you… I do better when I'm busy, when I have tasks, lists, and projects to finish. Our latest project is packing up stuff around the house little by little. During this two and a half year struggle with you, we also struggled with bills and money. In June, daddy and I made the decision to quit making the mortgage payment so we could focus on caring for you and getting the medicine we needed to try to save your life, and most importantly keep you comfortable. It sure costs ALOT to keep a steady flow of oil around, even for a 21 lb little squirt like you! So the house is going up for auction and foreclosure March 25th, which is getting close. So we need to wrap up our decision on what and where we are going to go. The old me would have been freaking out and having a nervous breakdown about this, but the new me, ahhh I'm not scared! Bring it on world!

I applied for a nursing license in the state of California, will this be our next adventure in life!?? I don't know. The thought of moving out of Missoula scares the crap out of me. I was born and raised in Missoula and the only time I've not been in Missoula was when we were fighting cancer with you. I have learned to adjust that's for sure. But moving away!! That's just scary! But I know you will guide us the whole way, so I'm not scared one bit!

So Wednesday night the 23rd of January we headed back up to Corinne and John’s cabin in Darby, Montana. We had Mike’s buddies Dan and Troy and Colten John with us and we went skiing the next day at Lost Trail Mountain. On our way there it was dark but as we were driving to get to their dirt road, along beside us a giant bird was soaring right beside the car, we were like, “holy cow what is that!!??” Well, it sat up on the fence post and just disappeared, and then as we're taking our turn and going straight all of a sudden there is that bird again, it was a giant white and grey owl!!! So beautiful and pure, it literally looked us in the eye again and then flew away. Crazy thing is your daddy had a dream you were an owl!!! Just another confirmation you’re with us in spirit.

The next day was such a nice ski day!!! Sun was shining and we all tore it up! until daddy and his clumsiness fell while trying to stop and look for Colten, who was behind us all. He fell and hurt his shoulder pretty bad. He had to ski down to the lift then up to the next lift, where he then had to go up two different rope tows with using only one arm, momma felt bad for him.

Well, that next day we flew as a family to Scottsdale, Arizona where my best friend Janess and her hubby Jamison (our website guy) and their lovely little terrorizer of a daughter Slade live!

Janess works for Infiniti of Scottsdale car dealership and they sponsored 10 Reggae Runners to donate to their local Children's Hospital. So we got to build them in their big showroom, there was over 20 adults and kids there to help. It was amazing and so much fun. Then we took them to Phoenix Children's Hospital and got to deliver the runners to the oncology floor. It was so much fun, immediately there were two boys (that were obviously too big for the cars) that kept trying to squeeze themselves in them. It was fun to watch! Lol.

This hospital was amazing, lights that changed colors all over the floors, giant chandeliers hanging. It was beautiful! You would have loved this place, for a hospital it was dang cool!

Thank you Infiniti of Scottsdale and all your employees who took the time out of their day to come and help out by putting the cars together, mounting the IV poles and then stickering them up. We couldn't thank you all enough for helping spread Cashy story! We're changing the world, one Reggae Runner at a time!

Janess and I got our toes done the next day and we all went to Dave and Busters and played some games. Colten was in heaven! Sladey was too, lol! We went home bright and early that Monday morning. I hate having to say goodbye to friends and loved ones. :( Love you guys!

We got home and organized ourselves for the week to come. I had to work that night we got back. But it wasn't so bad.

Last Friday we got the pleasure to meet with a medium and a clairvoyant healer. This was such an amazing experience I won't even be able to explain everything, but it was such an exhilarating experience. Basically, you are around us all the time (Which we already knew that).

She told us you weren't in any pain, you thanked us for using the oil to control your pain, and that we did a good job with that. She told us that you come to us in colors and in smoke (like incense or sage, we often burn both throughout the day). She told us that you sit on the end of our bed in a turned manner, she said you said that your older and more mature now and you don't need to lay in bed with us, you want to give us privacy now. Lol. That made us laugh, as you can imagine having a 4 year old in your bed, you get clever in ways to have "adult" time. Lol. You told us that you come to Colty often and talk to him, you told us he's ok and he's going to be fine. That makes me happy. You told us to go "south" which confirmed that maybe we do need to move to California. You also told us that you are so thankful for the foundation and that we will be helping thousands of children by what we’re doing. That makes us feel so good. You also told us that cannabis IS the cure to cancer, but it will have to remain an underground thing as the government doesn't want a cure for cancer. That's the whole goal with the foundation, to spread pediatric cancer awareness and to tell the world your story. I hope we can make you proud buddy. I could have sat and talked with the medium about you all day long, 45 minutes went by way too fast.

I'm just very thankful to have been able to do that. It was life changing and confirmed everything we had already known, that you’re forever with us in our hearts and our souls. I love and miss you so much buddy.

So after the medium we packed up and went back up to Darby that evening with the kids and Colten's friend Sierra. We stayed Friday till Monday afternoon. It was so relaxing; we blessed the full size teepee with some sage and had a nice fire in it. We watched movies, we lounged and wore sweats all weekend.

Sunday we got ready and drove up to Lost Trail Hot Springs where we soaked in the hot pool for a bit. So I'm sitting in the hot tub and I hear a mom yell, “Cash come here!” I turned and said, “Mike, that little boy’s name is Cash,” he looked about 4 years old. I thought that was really neat. Well, not even 10 minute later another family walked in with a little boy about 4 years old wearing Cars swim trunks, your favorite! I now hear the other mom say "Cash" then the first mom goes, “oh wow, there are two Cashys here today!” Now I'm like WHAT??!! In your 4 years of life, I never ever ran into another little boy named Cash, now there are two and can you believe Johnny Cash is playing on the radio??!! We were baffled and I actually got all teary eyed. It was like you were saying, “Yeah, I'm here and I can swim and play like a normal little boy again.” So were sitting with the family of the second Cash and turns out he had an older brother named Colten!!! How Effin ironic is that!! I was blown away and again Cashy you have out done yourself.

So I carry you with me in my heart Cashy, forever and always. It's crazy to think how far we've come in life. Where we are now and where we used to be. Somedays, I'd give anything to be sitting up in that hospital room with you fighting cancer, because it would mean you’re alive, fighting. But then I remember how unfair and selfish that is, how could I be so selfish that I'd want you to be in the hospital with IV’s and chemo dripping? I'm not gonna lie, I've pondered it a lot. I've also thought about how you left us, I've thought about how it looks like we just let you die. Like we just gave up and quit treating you. I hope you don't think that's what we did. I hope you know we fought so hard for you, we tried everything from the inhumane cancer treatments to the natural approach. That cancer was just too powerful. That evil evil cancer. Sometimes you just have to say it, “Fuck you cancer.”

We have met so many inspiring people since we have taken this journey with you Cashy. I know it's your plan. Out of all the cliché sayings in life, the one that now holds the most meaning to me is, “to live everyday to the fullest, because as I have now learned, life can be over in the blink of an eye.”

It shouldn’t be this way, but it is. As much as I hate to say this, life is suffering. As much as I am angry at what has happened to us, the fact of the matter is, it has happened and no amount of anger, sadness and bitterness is going to bring you back. Our outcome, our life of losing you, will never change. I have no control of that but I do have a little control over the way I choose to live my life now. I don’t want to be “the mom,” who lost you and who let it destroy everything. I don’t want to be looked at as “the mom,” who can’t survive this. I want to be looked at as the mirror image of you, someone who possessed such strength and love. Who took on the world with such fire and passion and who never gave up.

I’m not done with this world, as I have too much to fight for. I feel like I was put here on this earth to be more than what I am. I feel like you will help me achieve this, as there is now a fire that burns inside of me even as I sleep. I’m not completely ready to face the world, but I feel a little more ready than I felt a couple of weeks ago. Bring it on world, what could possibly happen that could be worse than losing you. My precious boy that I carried in my womb, that I loved and cared for like nobody else could.
I try to keep my sanity by working out 4 days a week or so... Spinning class is still my favorite. We listen to the latest hits and take commands from the instructor. Lol. As my friend Brooke would say negatively, "who wants to listen to someone's playlist and get yelled at for an hour?" Lol, I love it, I really do think it keeps me mentally stable. Haha.

That night after the visit with the medium, I had my first vivid dream of you. It was short but wonderful. I was chasing you on the beach, we were running along the shore and you were laughing and running, you had your black North Face sweater on, and your jeans rolled up to your knees. I was running after you in the water, and that was it. Short but sweet. Then the amazing thing was, I woke up and checked my Facebook account and I had a message from a friend from work Olivia. She is the one who did your hand molds after you passed (I still don't know how you were able to do that Olivia, but I praise you for that, thank you thank you, you don't even know how special it is to us. It's the most special thing to have. It's like holding his hand in real life). So her message was that she had a dream of Cash and I and we were running on the beach together. How crazy is that???!!! Well, probably not crazy at all to you. So thank you for that Cashy. I love you buddy.

So we were contacted by a group out of Michigan called Michigan Compassion. They raised enough money to put your picture and our foundation logo on a billboard on their super busy highway in Detroit!! We're so excited about this! It's so awesome!!! Now what other cancer patient has their own billboard sign!? None that I know of!!! You rock Cashy! Thank you Michigan Compassion and all the sponsors that helped donate! So kind and heartfelt of you all.

With that, I must end this post. So much has happened and so much will continue to happen by you all continuously spreading Cashy's story! He's a true saint that boy.

Love you Cashy, sweet dreams wherever you are, I hope you’re safe and warm. I love you to the moon and back and infinity and beyond buddy. One love. :)

There's a giant hole in my heart where you belong Cashy.

Well Cashy it's been a little over two months since you left us and gone to heaven. We miss you more than words can even describe. I still think of that night like it was yesterday. I think about How you looked so peaceful after you passed, how all your pain and suffering went away instantly when your little old soul left your physical body. Your face and lips were so cold, your body so lifeless and stiff. Your sores on your face almost instantly healed. You looked beautiful yet so frighteningly empty. Like your body was just a shell and your soul burst into a million pieces when you left us. That's how daddy described it, you went into his heart, it started beating so fast and he said it was like your energy burst into a million pieces and went into everyone. We all have a piece of you with us in our hearts forever.

We've had a few interesting weeks lately. Daddy and I attempted to learn to snowboard, even Colten tried once! We went out twice, (daddy three times) and tried our hardest to learn the trade, but we decided that its not for us and we will always be skiers at heart! Being on a ski hill and not being able to soar down the mountain as fast as you'd like, well it's frustrating, and my ass and my knees hurt for a good two weeks!! I know you were with us watching and laughing at us as we kept biffing it down the bunny hill! Haha. Just as I was thinking about how you'd love watching us and brother, a little boy on skis about 3 years old zooms by us with a Paul frank monkey helmet on. I knew that was a sign you were there with us. Whenever I see those monkeys I just know you are there to make sure I'd see it and know your with me. Well it's what id like to believe.

Living without you just doesn't feel right. Our family is a family of 5, not 4. When it's just us four, everything is so uncomplicated and easy. Your brother is basically a grown man, he's so self sufficient, he wakes up with his alarm clock every morning for school and gets up and takes a shower, dad or I get up and make him breakfast and send him on his merry way. He's such a strong, smart big boy and he misses you so much. He hurts, we all hurt, but he really misses his little brother. There's such a huge age gap now between your brother and baby sissy. We now have an 8 year old and a 9 month old. Your supposed to be my middle child, my little boy, my big 4 year old. We have such a void in our lives now without you. My heart aches and longs to hold you, to kiss your lips, your fingers and that little spot on your neck behind your ear where I would always kiss you till you giggled. I miss that so much.

I miss taking care of you. You were such a big part of our lives, everything revolved around cashys care. Sometimes I find myself creeping down the hall way to grab sissy out of her crib or to let her down, I creep quietly so I won't wake you up. Isn't that just crazy. I catch myself and then quickly become burdened with grief that I could have possibly forgot that your gone and it doesn't matter how loud or quiet I am because your not going to wake up. I wish I would just wake up, wake up from this nightmare I'm living. This nightmare we have to call life without you. It's no life, no parent should ever have to live life without their 4 year old.

At work tonight one of my co workers that had lost a baby while she was 30 weeks pregnant several years ago asked me if I'm grateful for the time I had with you, or if I thought it would of been easier to lose you in the womb than to have never spent a single day with you. I told her, you bet I'm grateful for every second I spend with you my sweet boy. You changed our lives for the better in so many ways. You don't even know. It was like you were almost sent here on earth to show us the way to live right and to appreciate every little thing.

When you were diagnosed with cancer , life was so uncomplicated and straight forward. I fell into this hole of thinking material items would make me happy, the need for the nice big house, the new cars, and everything that really doesn't matter in life. Nothing matters more than good Heath and happiness. Those material things don't make you happy, ya for the moment they can, but when you look at the big picture, your not happy, your just existing. Your dad and I had a rough patch those few months before you were diagnosed with cancer. One night we got into it about possibly not making the mortgage payment and I was up In arms about it. He said to me ( and ill never forget this) well nothing really matters besides our family, we could move into our camp trailer and live there as long as were all healthy and happy nothing else matters right? I didn't agree, I said there is no way I would live in our camp trailer. That's how far gone I was into the need for material items. Ill never forget that because after Cashy was diagnosed with cancer my views on what was really important changed and I realized that, fuck, our cute house on the hill, our nice truck and blazer and four wheeler do not matter. They don't. You can always get a new house, you can always get a new car. We could live in a tent in the middle of the desert and as long as I have all my babies and my husband well we will be alright. I'm ashamed it took you getting cancer for me to realize how good I really had it, how nothing in the world is more important than your family. Nothing. I became complacent and that's no way to live. I'm sorry I wasted your first year and a half of life not cherishing every moment with you and your brother. I truly regret it, I regret not getting down on the floor to play cars and playdough with you more, I regret not taking you on that wagon ride or to the park more.

I didn't fully become aware of what I had done to myself and what I i needed to do to better myself until your cancer came back in October 2012. In July 2012 I was still struggling with my happiness and what I truly wanted for our lives and how we needed to change for the better. I was overweight, nearly 190lbs, I never had truly lost the baby weight from your brother and then after you it just kept stacking on. I wasn't happy with myself and I knew I needed to change something and fast. That's when I started working out and in August somehow by the grace of god I got pregnant with your baby sissy. ( thank you marina IUD for spontaneously combusting in my body somewhere). I was so shocked and angry that this happened. We took the right preventative measures. I was scared to death that maybe this baby was given to us to replace or prepare us for the loss of you. I didn't want another baby, you were my baby and nobody could take that place. The thought of three kids freaked me out, how could i possibly love another baby as much as I love you and your brother? But now I couldn't be more happy that we have sissy here with us. She is such a true blessing to our family. Pure joy. Catherine Joy Hyde, she keeps us sane in the hardest of days. We couldn't do it without her. I'm pretty sure I'd be in bed crying everyday all day if I wasn't for her and of course my spinning class at the Y.

Getting back into shape and eating healthy is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm addicted to working out now! Who'd of ever thought that!! I try to be active at least 4 days during the week and at least one day on the weekend. It's been great. Your daddy even joined me for spinning class twice this week! He loved it too! This week I cycled over 58 miles! It's a great feeling and I'm in the best shape I've been in since my soccer star days! Lol. Even though I've lost 45 lbs and I feel and look better than I have in years, I still have a bad self image when I look at myself but I'm getting better at being positive and loving myself and that's thanks to you cashy.

We've been getting better at doing more things outside of the house with out you. Still everything reminds us of you. I swear I saw you walking out of the grocery store with a lady the other day, a cute little boy with sweats and a hoodie and a beanie on with the hood pulled over his head. It looked so much like you hand in hand with his mom. I wanted to go and turn his head and grab his little hand to make sure it wasn't you, but my craziness tucked back inside and I got in the car without you and drove home.

We were watching tv the other night and a little boy reached up and kissed his mom on the lips and mike and I both looked at each other and just knew what each other were thinking. That it looked like you kissing that momma. I pretty sure I burst into tears. Can't remember.

Why is it that every song I hear reminds me of you? I've now convinced myself that whenever I'm listening to pandora or my iPod on shuffle, each song that comes on it was from you, a little sign of sort. Maybe I'm just crazy but like mike told me I can believe whatever I want Because believing is believing and no one can take that from you. No one. Your daddy's so smart sometimes!!

Well last weekend we went up to Corinne and John's cabin up in Darby, where you spend your last day and night alive. I was worried that I would be a complete wreck being up there without you, but it was peaceful and serene, and thanks to a couple glasses of wine, I was relaxed and had a great time visiting and telling stories about you and how amazing of a child you were/are. We even talked about daddy and I's crazy wedding! oh man is that a story for another tome! I knew you were with us in spirit though.

We got some great family photos with our new camera, but the only thing that was missing was you. How can a family photo ever be normal again without you? Ive decided our next family photos we get we will have a picture in a frame of you so we can hold it proudly and still have somewhat of a family photo even if your not here physically.

Because of you cashy we've met so many amazing people and now lifelong friends we would have never known if it wasn't for you and cancer. As sad as it is to lose a child, we've gained so much throughout this journey you've put us on and I'm thankful for everything we've endured to get us here. Ill rephrase that, I'm not thankful we've lost you one bit, but if thats what your journey was supposed to be, to come and make our family stronger, more wise, healthier, more open and most of all capable of loving everyone no matter their faults or flaws. If that makes any sense.

I still haven't had any vivid dreams of you alive and well. In all my dreams your dead and we all are aware. It's like we're constantly planning your funeral, and your their in the house just laying in your monkey Jammie's, dead. It's disturbing.
I had a terrible dream the other week, I had taken your sister to the doctor here in Missoula for a consult to get a central line placed in your chest (ugh!), for when she gets cancer down the road. Horrible. My mind is screwed up To even dream a dream like that. Thank god that was only a dream! I want nothing more than to know that your safe and happy. Please just let me know, just a little glance, a small one.... Please Cashy.

Daddy finished his tattoo of you on his arm with your giant angel wings and tombstone. It's beautiful and I love it so much! I know you would too!! I got my arm tattoo finished and my tattoo of you and the angel on my leg finished and touched up as well. They look so good!!!

Daddy and I went on a "couples escape" night at Quinn's hot springs on Wednesday night. We went skiing on Wednesday day, only after having both our new pairs of ski boots totally just kill our legs and feet. Why so ski boots have to be to most uncomfortable boot ever? If only you could wear snowboarding boots on your skis, it would be so much nicer! now that's an idea! Lol. So we ski'd then went to the hot springs and soaked for a hour and a half then got ready for dinner at the lodge. Dinner was amazing and we ate more food in one setting than we do in a whole week! Lol, not really but I felt so stuffed the thought of getting back into my swim suit again was awful, but we soaked again for another hour or so. Then we came back to our cabin and finished off our deserts we couldn't even touch earlier! We had such a great time! We laughed, we cried, we drank champagne, we ate, we swam, and well I will leave the rest at that! ;) it was a nice relaxing get away and it was great to rejuvenate ourselves. We got up in am and soaked again and then went back to cabin and got ready and had breakfast at the lodge as well. Fabulous 24 hours away!! Sissy and brother got to hang with grandma Vickie. Grandma Vickie misses you to cashy, I'm glad you gave her a dream. She needed that. She said you looked so healthy and well and it was like you weren't even sick. I wish I could be in that dreamland!

Well cashy I miss you so much my heart has a permanent hole in it where you left you'd everlasting light. The whole reminds me of what you became and what you are now. My hero.

Friday we leave for Arizona where we will stay with Janess and Jamison and your best bud Slade. Slade misses you even though she doesn't really know your gone. Janess called the other day telling me that Slade keeps insisting on watching your slideshow from your funeral over an over and over. She's said just hearing the music makes her cry. Ugh, I told he'd she was just torturing herself! That slideshow is a tear jerker! I can't even make it through the first song without bawling instantly. I refuse to watch it for now. To sad. So anyways, Friday we go to Arizona where we will build ten reggae runners donated by Infiniti of Scottsdale dealership where Janess works. We will assemble them on Saturday and at 4pm we will be taking the cars to Phoenix children's hospital to donate them. We are all so excited to be doing this, but a part of me is so sad that you won't be with us to test the runners and give your approval. Makes my heart hurt. That was your job. We will make sure sissy and Slade do a good job. I promise! I know you will be with us through it all.

Well I better get busy buddy. I hope you know how much your missed and I hope you're proud of us for trying so hard to keep your legacy alive! We love and miss you so much my sweet angel monkey boy. I love you To infinity and beyond. I hope your safe and warm. <3

Bringing on the new year without you Cashy, just isn't right.

Well Cashy it's been a long, amazing, rough, sorrowful, sad, hard, happy, invigorating year for us. So many things happened in 2012. Good, bad and ugly things happened. I'd like to only remember the good, but so much of this last year has been bad, unforgettable, and utterly hard.
Last year at this time we finished up watching Disney's Toy Story on Ice in Rancho Cucamonga,CA then had a horrible dinner at the Red Lobster. You didnt eat a thing. We were trying to by our time left while we were wrapping up the last two weeks of your 30 radiation treatments that only kept you cancer free for a few months. All that torture and pain for only three months. I wouldn't trade those three months for anything as you were blessed with a baby sister and being a big brother. You were such an amazing big brother. You loved your sissy so much, you were always kissing her and wanting to hold her. Last year I was so afraid you would never get to meet your baby sister. It hung in the back of my head like the sound of finger nails on a chalkboard. The idea of losing you was so scary and it was my biggest fear. Well I lost you, I couldn't keep you here, we tried so very hard. But it wasn't fair for you to endure so much pain just for our pleasure of keeping you here.

Everyone is so busy being normal, happy and living life. It's like everyone has already forgotten about you. But really what do I expect, the ball not to drop in new york city tonight? sure, I'd be happy with that. But life goes on for others, and ours is so empty, sad and at a halt. Quiet, our house is quiet. To quiet.

This year has brought us alot of joy along with all the sorrow. Our beautiful surprise baby girl Catherine Joy was brought into this world. She wasn't planned by any means as I had preventative measures in place, well we thought they were in place. It was so exciting not finding out the sec of this little bundle. Deep down I kinda knew it was a girl but I didn't get to excited about it, i didn't even buy one girl outfit until she was born. That damn psychic I went to in January 2011. She was dead on. She had told me we were going to have a baby girl (which blew me away and I passed if off as her not really being a legit psychic) she told me that you were going to die, again my biggest fear, yet i didn't believe her, and she also told me mike was going to be a prominent public speaker, which he is. Most likely will never go to a psychic again, but I'd love to go to a medium. One of my best friends lyndsey (whom her mother passed away from liver cancer when colten was a baby, man it seems so long ago) and I really want to go see Theresa Caputo. She's the Long Island medium on tv, she is awesome. Her waiting list is a year long though. Mainly I just want to know if your alright and at peace, and most important if your happy.
Grandma Vickie had a dream of you Sunday. She said you guys were at our house and you were just playing like normal and it was like you weren't really gone. She said you were so happy and you were wearing your favorite blue monkey Jammie's. this makes me happy but also sad. Sad that your not here and that the reality is your gone. I hate reality, I want to just bury myself in my bed and hide from this cruel place called reality. I try to remind myself that I need to be making the most of every second of this life I live, and that I'm "lucky" to be alive, but I'm not feeling so lucky without you.

We fought so hard for your life cashy, to save you, to give you that childhood that we always wanted you to have. I think we fought harder for you than anyone has fought for their own lives. If I could of I'd of taken that cancer out of you and put it in me. I'd of preferred it be me rather than you. Sometimes I wonder If people really fully understand what we went through to try and save you, all the vomit, the blood, the tears, the overflowing shit (seriously), the medicine, the IV's, tube feedings....and so much more, yet being so grateful to be doing it all, because it meant life. Not death. I wonder if anybody truly knows how close a mother and a child grow when going through something like this together. How a bond is formed, unlike any other that exists in the world. I wonder if anybody can even imagine going through something like this only to have the love of their life, taken away from this world.
How is it even medically possible that you just died, your little heart just quit beating. I can't even fully wrap my mind around how that happened, and I'm a nurse. Not being on morphine or any narcotics, how is it that the cancer just took over your body, that you just slipped away, that it just ended your life like that, it's unfathomable. I get nauseated thinking about it, you must of been so scared, my brave little man.
Trying to go to sleep without you is the worst, I hate that when I lay down and try to sleep all the thoughts that linger in my mind creep in and take over. I try to think about you and all of our happy times. But I mostly just cry and wish that I didn’t have to wake up in the morning without you. I wish I could stay asleep forever and just dream about you. But I have yet to even have a happy dream about you. I wish I knew if you were safe and happy.

We have alot of great memories from 2012, as hard of a year that it has been, we also had some very memorable trips and fun times with you Cashy. We went to San Francisco and donated reggae runners for your 4th birthday, we went floating numerous times with you and your pillow and blankie in tow, we did trips to fairmont hot springs, you even went to a few minutes of a matisyahu concert, Michael Franti did a shout out to you at his concert in Missoula, we went to the farmers market several times and you got yourself a Elmo balloon that you loved, you played at the park several times. Skye pearls birthday party. You got to go trick of treating after picking out your buzz light year costume (which was a little to small, but it worked), up until the night before you passed away we were soaking at lost trail hot springs after you kept insisting we "go swimming". I wish I would of got some pictures that night of you, but you looked so sick and skinny and it was almost like you were giving up, throwing in the towel. I'm so sorry cashy, I'm so sorry for everything we put you through. My heart just aches without you. I hope your safe and warm and watching over us all. Love you buddy, to infinity and beyond.
Happy New year everybody, I hope you all have a prosperous year full of love, joy, and good times. one Love!

As the world turns, mine is standing still.

Cashy I miss you so much that times like these I feel like just throwing in the towel and driving home from work and not telling anyone I left. I would never do that to my coworkers or my patients but man, seeing all these new parents with their new little bundles of joy, it hurts my heart, it hurts seeing little boy babies with black fuzzy hair and their little monkey faces. It hurts so bad.
You have inspired so many people in your short four years on earth and I know you will continue to do so. You will continue to teach them so many wonderful lessons about life. You will make this world a better place. You already have and I know this is just the beginning of so many amazing things to come. I promise to help you with the big job you have ahead of you. We can do anything together.

I’ve tried as best I can to go about my life but everything is still standing still. I have so many unanswered questions. So many emotions that people just don't understand. I think some people are even afraid to say hi to me in fear of making me cry or just because they don't have the slightest idea what to say to a momma who lost her baby boy to cancer. But I'm strong like that in a weird way, I don't cry easy in front of people. I let it build up, I can usually feel it hanging in my shoulders, the raw pain.... It builds up and leaves me very tense. I cry the best in the cAr by myself. It's usually a song that sparks the tears, as like I said before everything reminds me of you.
We've been watching all our home videos lately, videos I can't even remember taking. How sad is that, that I can't even remember much of what life was like before cancer. Before you became so sick, tired, and weak. The last video I watched, I watched by myself which was a good thing because I just cry and cry and tears flow like a waterfall. The whole disc was the few weeks before you were diagnosed and the first three rounds of chemo. It starts with you and brother playing in the bathtub. Man you were so full of life and energy and you were so beautiful, your long brown hair and your to die for eyes. You were the most perfect baby. How could someone so perfect and flawless get cancer? How does a child, my child get cancer. Then I start questioning myself and blaming myself. Maybe it was because I only breastfeed you for 8 months instead of a whole year, Maybe it was the toxic formula I gave you, or all the hormones they put in cows milk? Maybe it was the food I fed you (could it of been from a hot dog, we don't eat those anymore, let alone any meat), the candy I let you eat once in awhile, maybe it was the wifi we have flowing through our house, maybe it was the TV, maybe I let you watch Mickey Mouse to many times. Maybe it was the car accident I was in when I was pregnant, maybe it was the drugs they gave me to stop my premature labor after the car accident. There's so many possibilities that it literally drives me insane. I wish I knew, so I could do everything in my power to prevent your brother and sister from getting cancer too. It really scares me and I am constantly worrying.

In your four years of life, you were never scared of anything. Never. You were so brave and strong. I remember last year when we were doing radiation. We would get up every morning (yes it was a fight to get dressed) and daddy and I would take turns being with you. We would wait downstairs in that horrible hospital, you would either be in my arms or in your stroller waiting for your turn so they could sedate you and radiate your brain and spine. God you were so brave, everyday we would walk in and they would hook up your line with the Nasty white medicine to make you sleep. You would instantly be passed out cold, every time it freaked me out, the doctors and nurses seemed so scattered, and unprepared. I was always afraid to leave you, then I had to walk out without you and it felt so awful knowing what you were going through. How they would strap you down on your body mold and then put the mask over your face after they intubated you then they would screw the mask down to the table. It was the most horrible feeling having to leave you with strangers and having to trust them, when they gave me no trust to feel. I kept your radiation mask, I often go in your room and hold it, it's a perfect mold of your beautiful face. It fits so well right in my arms, your little head. My bAby boy. I hold your mask and cry and I talk to you. I tell you how sad I am without you, how torturous it is living without you. I kiss the the perfect mold of your lips like your still there, I run my fingers down and over the indentation of your little nose and your eyes. It's you, it's your face. It's all I have left to remember how perfect your delicate face was.

I miss running my fingers over your scar on your head from the brain surgery. The scar had calcium deposits all along it so it was bumpy and I loved running my fingers over it. It was a grim reminder of what a strong little boy you were. What obstacles you over came. There were so many. The most amazing obstacle was you being able to see again after you were blind for almost two months after the brain surgery. You were so scared and totally blind. I was scared too. How could someone possibly have a quality of life if they are blind. I could never grasp it and miraculously you were given your sight back. Thank god for that.
I struggle with the fact that you are safe and happy. How can you be safe if your not with me? Isn't that what a mommy is supposed to do, keep you safe from harm, keep you warm and happy? I have literally no idea what your doing. You could be walking the streets of Timbuktu for all I know, and that worries me. Being without you is not being at all.

I have yet to have a good dream about you. The first couple weeks after you died I had dreams of you, but you were dead, and we all were frantically planning your funeral, over and over. Like every dream we were planning another funeral for you. A nightmare really. I won't be satisfied until you come to me in my dreams and show me that your ok, that your floating on a cloud and eating cheese sammys until your tummy hurts, or something. Do you even need to eat in heaven?

It's funny what becomes important when things like this happen. Tv shows, magazines, books...even the news is a joke. Who Effin cares if snookie had a baby or that Lindsey Lohan is in rehab again, who gives a rats ass. What about all the innocent babies like you that are gone and dead from childhood cancer. If everybody cared as much about pediatric cancer as they did about the next trashy episode of teen mom, well maybe you wouldn't be deAd. Maybe little kiwi, or your buddy Dawson, or juju could still be alive if people cared more about this terrible disease that is killing our children, our future. I swear if I see another gossip magazine with one of those kardashian girls on it, I'm going to throw them all in a pile and burn them in the store. Is that what the world has come to......ugh.
Well I better make some rounds and quit blabbering on. I hope everyone reading this has a good day today and will you all kiss your babies for me and hold them tight. Get down on the floor and play Legos, lt them make a mess with playdough. Cashy wouldn't want it any other way. I'd give my heart (well what's left of it) to be able to play cars one last time with Cashy. Remember tomorrow is never promised.
I love and miss you more and more everyday cashy. Please come to me in a dream. I need this. To infinity and beyond buddy, to infinity and beyond.

Christmas is over and I can breath a little easier.

Well Christmas is finally over. I will admit that I'm glad it's over. I never in my life imagined that such a great family oriented holiday would cause so much heartAche and pain. I really don't think the pain will ever get easier. Maybe more tolerable but I don't think the pain and hurt will ever be any less. My heart has a huge empty hold in it where cashy belongs. I know technically he is in my heart but I want my tangible cashy, the boy who wouldn't let me get up to even go pee or make dinner, the boy who loved lounging on the couch and the boy who would bark orders at us around the clock.
Mike and I often joked about how we were his "bitch", and you know we were perfectly ok with it. I'd bend over backwards and balance bowling pins on my head if he wanted me to. I would do anything for that boy.
Putting up the Christmas tree for the first time since 2009 was really hard. Opening presents Christmas morning was even harder. Not heading cashys giggle or his cute little voice really hurts. I really had looked forward to being home with cashy for Christmas. I was so excited to have him here with us to hang ornaments, play the elf on the shelf game with him, have him open presents and just get to be a little boy that he really hadn't ever had much of a chance to be.
Sometimes I catch myself glancing over at the empty couch where cashy should be. Everything reminds me of cashy, I mean everything. Down to eating a string cheese from the gas station on our way home from fairmont hot springs on Christmas Day. Yes even a string cheese reminds me of him. Sometimes I start thinking of him and its almost like I can't breath. Like my pain is so raw and real that it literally sucks the life out of me. Sometimes I wish it would actually. I wish it would just take me away. Take me to cashy. If it was that easy! But I know cashy would want me to be here to take care of sissy and big bro. They need me and they need their daddy too.
Most of the time im doing good, and i feel strong and then Sometimes I'm struck by this blinding wave of sadness and sorrow. I start second guessing everything, did we do everything possible? Did we just let him die right in front of our very eyes and we were just to blind or optimistic to even see that he was dying. God, we had such optimism and positiveness that he was going to over come this and change the world. We wanted the world to know his story and in hopes of finding a better way to fight cancer besides your basic surgery, chemo and radiation treatments that are your only options. But now his story does live on, he will never be forgotten. I know this. But my heart wants him here, I wish I could just get a do over right now. But what would I change really???? Nothing...... He'd still die. It's like that song, ( which I hate the song because its totally absurd) "if I die young".....the line where it goes "it's funny when your gone, how people start listening..." Well world, can you hear us....cashys dead, what will it take? Thousands of more beautiful children dead until people start really putting in the work and the research? It's a joke.

Our next door neighbor died a week after cashy died of brain cancer as well. Although he was 80 years old, it freaks me out that maybe there's something toxic up on our hill. Then I start diagnosing my other children with brain tumors. I know it's insane. I guess once a momcologist, always a momcologist. Lol.

On our way to fairmont hotsprings on Christmas Day we were cruising along and out of the blue a giant bald eagle soars across the highway right in front of us. It was beautiful and very spiritual and we all knew it was Cashy saying hi and letting us know he was with us. It made our week.
Bedtime is still the worst. Each night when mike and I go to bed, we lay there holding each other and usually one of us will start crying. It's awful, knowing cashy should be right in between us like he always has since birth. It's the worst feeling knowing that he was here and now he's just gone, Just like that, gone. Sometimes I start crying and I just can't stop, it's like I opened the flood gates and it's a full on monsoon. Crap, I hate it.

So you all might think I'm crazy, well I basically am, a little statistic for you, 51% of moms and 40% of dads suffer acute distress syndrome the first two weeks after a cancer diagnosis of their child. Well after two and a half years later my stress level and emotional instability is far from acute, it's chronic.
I got off of work my first night back after cashys death, last Tuesday am, and I'm laying on my left side with the baby in my left arm and were face to face (and she's nursing) and I'm just about asleep, kinda in that In between sleep. Well all of a sudden something literally taps me in the middle of my forehead and goes "hey", I opens my eyes and it was cashys face all hazy and misty in front of sissy's face and it instantly went away. Now I'm serious it felt so real. I smiled and went to sleep, I knew it was cashy and it left me with a calm zen feeling.
Our very sweet neighbors bought colty a three day ski camp pass at snowbowl for Christmas. So wed, thur and fri colty has been tearing up the snow and learning a bunch of new tricks on his new skis. He loved it!! Thanks John and Dana, you guys are so kind!
Colty number three on his Xmas list was "a bag of whoopie cushions". Lol, I know what freaking cool kid. So I bought him a regular whoopie cushion and "the fartenator", this is a remote controlled farting device. He's been playing with the thing nonstop. He thinks it's hilarious to trick people when they come over. He tells them that they need to check their undies. Lol. He's a character.

I couldn't find the remote control for the tv anywhere the other night and I'm searching everywhere, under the couches in the toy bin.... Well I digging in the couch and I pull out one of Cashys bug juices. Mike instantly started bawling, thus I start bawling as well. God I miss him so much, I just wish I could get another minute with him. To hold him, kiss him and tell him I love him. I hope he knows how much we all love him and how sad we are he's gone. He will never be forgotten.

We are really excited about the foundation and what is in store for us next. We've already helped a couple family's this Christmas season with checks so they could give their children a better Christmas. We're so happy we are able to help other families that are in s similar situation like we were the last two years. We know how hard it is to fight cancer and everything adds up. So it's a good feeling to be able to help out, and it's all because of People like you guys who donate that 20 dollars or that 50 dollars, it' all adds up to help out these family's that so desperately need it.
Our next big plans with the foundation Is we are going to Phoenix Arizona the end of January and we are donating 20 reggae runners to the Holsteins hospitals in the area. My best friend janess's dealership she works for is donating the 20 runners and were really excited to get down there and do this!!
Well I better get back to work as mommas and their new babies need me!! (Well not really, they just need their pain pills and their water filled, lol).

Thank you everyone who sent us cards, gifts and love for Christmas. We love you all and can't emphasize how much we appreciate everything that you've all done. We truly couldn't do it without all you'd love an support. Love you all!!!
One love!

Oh and I'm leaving this post with a very special picture of cashy and mikes parents after he passed. This picture is amazing because you can see numerous orbs surrounding cashy. It's an amazingly spiritual picture and I hope nobody is offended by it but its such a special picture and shows how his spirit does live on and it shows how his energy is just radiating out of him. It's lovely. And it's comforting to me despite all the sadness in it.
Goodnight Cashy, I hope your safe and warm, and Most of all happy. I love you to the moon and back buddy.

I'm lost without you Cashy.

Well it's almost been three weeks since you've been gone Cashy. We all miss you so much, the pain is indescribable. I catch myself expecting to hear you yell for me down the hall or I double take looking at your spot on the couch where you should be. I miss your sweet voice, your soft touch, your sassy attitude and most of all I miss holding you in my arms at night. Our bed is so lonely at night without you, you've slept with us your whole life. Now it's just a big empty king size bed.
The other night we had both Colten and the baby sleep with us. It made it feel a little better and less spacious. Colty needed it. He misses his brother. He has woke up the last two nights and told me he's been dreaming of you. He said that in his dream you were here in the house but I couldn't see you only colty could see you, he said you ran down the hall and came up to me and gave me a huge kiss and disappeared, but I couldn't see or feel you only he could. In His dream last night he said you were here on your spot on the couch and yet again only he could see you. He said you were able to talk so clearly and well. This makes me happy that your coming to your brother in his dreams. He needs that, he's so sad and it breaks my heart even more. (Which is almost impossible because its already broken into pieces).
We made it home from SLC on Tuesday night around 11. It sure was another long week without you. I swear if I watch that slide show of your sweet face one more time you might have to commit me to a looney bin. I do ok most the time but the second I see pictures of you and videos I'm a complete wreck.
Your funeral in slc was nice. Lots of your family and friends attended. Even our neighbors Nathaniel's and liems parents came to it as they were in slc for the holiday. John and Corinne flew in from Cali ad CJ flew in from Texas.
The minute I walked up to your grave site for your burial I got an uneasy feeling and seeing how deep the grave was (it was nearly 12 feet or more deep) gave me chills and a vomity feeling came over my stomach and i felt dizzy. I held it together though. Thinking of you being down there in that cold dark grave forever really made things real. That your gone and I can no longer see your delicate face or hold your sweet hand anymore. There is room in your grave for two more coffins and 5 cremations. Ugh, the thought of more people dying and being put down there with you is unsettling. The ceremony at the grave site was beautiful though, which I'm sure you know because I know you were there holding our hands. We released a bunch of yellow, green and red balloons and as they took off in the sky a beautiful hawk soared near. We knew it was you with us that very moment, flying free. Like a free bird. Mike played that song as we sat on the couch the other night and I just broke down into tears. Its like I literally cant breath sometimes. God I miss you so much. The reception afterwards was lovely and grandma and everyone made some delicious food!

Sunday night we went up to primary children's hospital where you lived for over 10 months of your life while we battled what ultimately took your life. We donated 6 reggae and rockin runners in your name buddy. It really hit home when we were up on the 4th floor and you weren't with us. I started crying on our way out thinking, crap I'd give anything to have you up there fighting cancer, even if it was you getting chemo again. I'd live up there again forever if I could have you back. Even though I know it's not what you wanted, and what kind of life would that be? I know your better off where you are, but that selfish part of me wants you here still fighting the fight. I left the oncology floor in tears and my heart in a million pieces. It felt good to leave a part of you up there again. I know you had a giant smile on your face and that you were so happy that your sissy tested and approved each of the runners. It's her new job now!

Now we're home, trying to get back in a normal routine. But what is normal without you here?? Nothing, I literally feel like I'm stuck in a Torture chamber, looking at all your pictures, your toys, your dresser full of clothes. I folded the last of your dirty clothes that' were laundered, no more washing your Jammie's on quick wash. Now we just have 4 piles of clothes when I do laundry instead of 5. It's just pure agony. I want so badly you to be here with us forever.
I put your medicine box on top of the fridge. I can't bare to throw it out yet and either can daddy. I even yelled at it the other day. The oil and everything was supposed to make you better, make you well. We thought we were beating this, you seemed to be doing so well compared to how you were in July and August. Maybe we were just in denial. But I truly never felt like I would lose you. I always had that positive attitude and perseverance to keep going and I definitely thought you'd be here for Christmas this year. Our first Christmas home since you were 1 year old. I wanted you to be here and experience it.
I remember last Christmas while in California we took you to see Santa at the bass pro shop, we waited in line and you were so patient and also not feeling well as you had received radiation earlier that day. When we got up to take our turn you got up out of the stroller and ran up to Santa and hugged him. It was so cute. Now this year our Santa picture will be missing your beautiful smile and your little sissy will be there. Maybe we will skip the whole Santa thing this year, makes me nauseated to even think about it without you. I love you buddy. I hope your safe.

*******************

We were brought the most perfect Christmas tree on Saturday morning by a friend from work, (thanks Jen! ) it was so sweet of her and her daughter to do, as picking one out myself would of been a waterfall of tears. So we set the tree up that night with Coltys buddy Owen who came for a sleep over. ( colty needed that, he misses his buddy Owen). I tried to hide my tears as we put up the ornaments. I found the most perfect ornament for him , it's a sock monkey with angel wings, seemed so fitting.

Everything just reminds me of cashy. Everything I see or do. I think of him every second of the day. I seem to be able to hold it together when I'm around people and even when we talk about Cashy I always am able to keep it cool. But when I'm alone, especially at home or in the car, I cry and I'm constantly telling you that I love you, that I miss you so much, and that I'm sorry that you suffered so much." I pretty much repeat that over and over. I hope he hears me but I hope he isn't sad that we are all so sad.

I get tears when I see things that he loved so much. Playdough and cars at target (Icouldn't even go down the matchbox cars isle) bug juice at the gas station. I even went as far as I bought him a bug juice on our trip to slc. Weird and silly I know, but it would of been more painful if I ignored it and didn't buy it and validated that he's gone. Ugh. It's all so new and raw and nothing seems right without him.

We even got rid of the minivan, mike felt it was just way to hard to be in. We let mikes cousin Jesse take it to help him get on his feet, he's got a baby boy and he needs to be able to see him as much as he can. I know that's what Cashy would have wanted, us to keep helping others even though we've lost everything.

So I'm really excited and grateful mike has worked so hard on building cashys foundation. He's done a great job. This wAy everything cashy went through will not be in vain and we can keep spreading pediatric cancer awareness as well as spreading our knowledge on cannabis as a valid form of treatment. Even though it didn't work for Cashy doesn't mean it doesn't work, we just need valid testing and research done so they can know exactly how much of a dose is needed and how often and ultimately different routes of delivery such as IV. The time will come and I truly believe because of cashy it will come sooner than later!